I wish I’d saved it for you

By Mir
January 30, 2006

First things first: I am continuing my deep and abiding love for Tae Kwon Do. Not only did Chickadee crane around and flap her belt at me in excitement today (“LOOK MAMA,” she mouthed, “ALL MY STRIPES!”), but I arrived for pick-up in time to watch the class go through a short routine where there was punching and positioning and HI-YAing and it was really quite impressive.

And not just because MY wonderful and talented child (who is, by the way, one of the youngest in the class) was one of maybe only 5 (in 30 kids!) who had successfully passed both memorization quizzes and earned maximum stripes. (Aren’t you glad I’m not one of those moms who brags on her kids?)

Anyway. Likely I cannot, you know, form a fulfilling relationship with Tae Kwon Do wherein it brings me snacks while I’m watching television. For that, I may need one of those, um, you know. Man-things. A guy. But you KNOW how I feel about the whole guy thing. So I thought I’d get some perspective from a friend of mine who is perhaps not as jaded and cynical and I am.

The problem is that said friend and I had a long and bizarre IM conversation and I fully intended to save it so as not to lose a single morsel of bizarro goodness. But somehow I closed the window and it was lost. POOF! Gone. Now I can share the gist, and a few of the more notable particulars, but truly, it was a masterpiece.

A masterpiece of horrors.

The background is this: My friend uses one of those online dating things. The same one, in fact, that I’ve been toying with joining for real. (And by “toying with” I of course mean “my mother has been pestering me about.”) Right now, you see, I have only free membership. Which means that if an actual normal male human came along and wanted to talk to me, and I wanted to talk back, the site will tell me “Too bad, you have to give us money first! Nyah nyah!”

Now, I’ve not been having much luck as a free member–nor do I really care all that much, at this point–but my friend has been a very busy lady. This site has brought all manner of dates her way. She lives in a much more metropolitan area than I do, which is what I choose to believe is the reason for the discrepancy. As opposed to, say, the fact that she’s prettier and more interesting than I am. Anyway.

We happened to be online at the same time, and this is approximately what transpired between us:

Her: I went out on a date with a new guy last weekend, did I tell you?
Me: Nope, what happened to the comedy guy?
Her: It was a disaster. Oh, I saw him last night. Which was even MORE of a disaster.
Me: Why? I thought things were so great?
Her: Oh, they WERE.
Me: Uh oh.
Her: Oh, we went out for a great dinner. Wound up back at his place. Things were going nicely.
Me: … and…?
Her: He has some… interesting sexual interests.
Me: Oh no.
Her: And by interesting I mean ANAL.
Me: Oh. Dear. Ewww.
Her: And apparently I am a huge prude! For not being interested! For feeling that thousands of years of evolution cannot be wrong!
Me: I don’t think most women would willingly smear their genitalia with feces. I don’t get why men are willing to go that route.
Her: God, I hadn’t even thought of it that way. More ewwwww.
Me: Oh lord… I’m not laughing AT you… I’m… okay, I AM laughing at you. But also with you. Also? Seriously??
Her: Yes. Excuse the hell out of me. My clit is over HERE.
Me: Perfectly good place for that just a tad forward!
Her: Sorry, this one is exit only!
Me: I’m going to wet my pants.
Her: So, um, I don’t think I’m going to be seeing HIM again.
Me: No? Ya think?
Her: I am still trying to figure it out. He seemed so normal.
Me: So, uh, I was gonna ask you if I should go ahead and pay to sign up. But I’m thinking maybe not…?
Her: Oh, no, you should. It’s entertaining, aside from the humiliations.
Me: I’m afraid. More afraid, now, actually, after talking to you.
Her: Did I ever tell you about this one weird guy’s idea of foreplay?
Me: … no…?
Her: He wanted me to throw a pie in his face.
Me: Whaaaaaa? No. You made that up.
Me: Because kissing is so old school…?
Her: I have no idea. Freaked me right out. BUT, he was a match from them.
Me: Perhaps there isn’t a checkbox for “enjoys pastry foreplay.”
Her: On the other hand, remember the nice nerd guy?
Me: Yeah, I think so.
Her: He was a fix-up from a woman at work. He joined the matching service and they basically said “We will never be able to find anyone for you, so here, we don’t even want your money.”
Me: NO!
Her: SERIOUSLY. They completely REJECTED him. Meanwhile, we’ve had several perfectly nice dates.
Me: I had no idea they would even do that to people.
Her: Go figure. He’s a nice guy.
Me: Wow.
Her: In fact, I think I’d have to call this a successful relationship. Yeah. No pouting demands for anal sex, no pies in the face. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve had in a long time.
Me: Which part of this is supposed to be making me want to get out there and date, exactly…?
Her: Oh, was that what I was supposed to be doing?
Me: Nevermind.
Her: You should write about this.
Me: Don’t worry, I plan to.

So you get the general idea. It’s good to have friends who can really share with you, like that. And reaffirm your decision to remain safely inside the house.


  1. Jen

    Oh Christ. I think I’m going to wet my pants.

    Pie in the face? Oh, Lord A Mercy! And I thought I knew some jacked-up guys.

    Now tell us…how could you NOT join after hearing all this? Come on now…for the live action comedy if nothing else…

  2. margalit

    I am SO with you on the whole back door phenon. I know it’s supposed to be the cool thing to do, but no thank you. Just no.

    a few years back and friend talked me into joining JDate and I have to say, I met some of the most unusual people. One guy worked in a quarry. Now, where you gonna meet someone that works in a quarry at a bar?

    But I’m with you, inside your own home is so much safer.

  3. Marvo

    Pie in the face? Let me write that down and add it to the list of things that women won’t do. Anal. Check. Pie in the face. Check. Wrestling in motor oil. Check. Sticking my tongue into her outie belly button. Check.

  4. Amy

    My friend was basically rejected from one of those online dating sites. They said that he would match up with less than 1% of the women registered on the site. Ouch.

  5. Melissa

    I had a guy who wanted me to pee on him. That was enough for me to say Hell no. Stay at home. Eat a pie, not throw a pie.

  6. Cele

    You’ve just reaffirmed my desire to never, ever break another one in. When this one dies, I will just stuff him and prop him up in a corner and buy new batteries.

    Oh, God I think I’m going to have nightmares now.

  7. Yadoge

    Very nice blog. Hug from Venice (Italy)

  8. Liz

    Hi. I’ve been lurking for some time now. Just had to let you know that last night as I was cleaning up the kitchen I was testing my memorization of the 5 tenets — and I knew them (just after reading yesterday’s post). You’re a great Mom!

  9. Bob

    yet another reason that keeps me coming back to your blog. the variety of topics is unsurpassed. yesterday, a heartwarming mother-daughter moment, today anal sex. with you, we’ve run the gamut from the debate of panty styles to homemaking tips (who can forget your unique pecan pie) to parenting (I believes sales to gypsies have been contemplated) and now sexual do’s and don’t’s. I’m learning so much here, I could write a how-to book. A how-to Mir book. I’ll make a mint.

  10. Lisa

    OMG!!! Ok, its even funnier (and worrisome) that I just got in contact with an old friend, who happens to be a comic over there! Now I’m worried…lol

  11. Jessie

    Glad to hear Chickadee remembered her memory exercise!

    Also, now that I hear about your friends dating experiences, I miss dating even less than I did before (which was about zero). I can’t believe someone would ask for a pie in the face! There could be some serious issues there.

  12. anom

    I have been lurking for forever and just had to pop in and say not all matches are anal-sex (on what the second date??), pie-throwing weirdos. I met my husband through them (and one of my best friends). Don’t be scared. Go out and let them buy you pie– that way you don’t have to cook or do the dishes :)

  13. ben

    Perhaps her date was moved by the latest phenomenon, “Brokeback Mountain”, which was described as “Buttcrack Mountin'” at the FWFR. So yeah, apparently it IS trendy to ride the hershey highway and all that. And hold onto your blog, Google will beat a highway of it’s own to your door, now…

    About the other thing? I keep thinking “That’s a damn fine piece of pie!” Perhaps he’s a twin peaks pervert, er, fan?

  14. Angela

    I, too, shall have to say that given the choice between pie-in-the-face, hershey highway, or nerd lovin’, I’ll take the nerd every time.

    Congrats to Chickie!

  15. Aimee

    Oh dear. My boss just walked in as I got to the part about pastry foreplay and I think I pulled a muscle trying not to laugh. Mir, I think I love you.

  16. vkj

    Hi Love your blog. Lose is not spelled loose. Just so you no.

  17. Amy-GO

    I have been with the same man since I was seventeen. This post makes me very, very glad. I’m with Cele – I have NO desire to ever break in another one. But Go, Mir! ;)

  18. Jenn2

    I can’t imagine why you haven’t signed up yet, Mir! You should have your mom talk to your friend. he he he.

  19. minnie

    i have 2 words for you: blog fodder. if all else fails, just THINK of all the entries you can regale us with!

  20. betsy

    Mir, it’s lilypad here. Remember me? The cool chick who emailed you from Beijing last summer? I am such a huge lurking fan. And I think I just wet my pants. You are so freaking talented (and not just because you made me wet my pants). But seriously, you must join the online dating service. Think of the material! Seriously.

  21. gretchen

    Oh Mir, it reminds me of that scene in Crimes and Misdemeanors where Woody Allen’s sister is decribing this HORRIBLE date with a guy she met through the personals. (similiar stuff to what you are relating here…)Through out the tale Woody Allen keeps keeps screaming “OH my GOD no!”

    Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommened it (I think…for reasons other than that scene of course…)

  22. laura

    I think the pie in the face disturbs me more than the anal sex. All guys THINK they like anal sex (I dunno – maybe they do) (but not with me – I’m just sayin’)…but noboby really wants a pie in the face, do they?

  23. PsychoDater

    It’s true, it’s all true. Mir, I can’t believe you made me laugh out loud and it happened to me! Please online date. You can’t leave me out here all alone…

  24. Mom

    Pester, pester, pester.

  25. Dawn

    At least she finds people she actually meets. I just find IM buddies. Sigh. But it does make good blog fodder.

  26. David

    With that many comments, I just knew this entry had to be a doozie. Oh, baby, and how! *LOL* Did the dating service thing myself once. Never heard about anything like that. Lordy!

    Kudos to you and Chickadee.

  27. Jenrigg

    Take it from someone who lived in Paris for years…. EVERY French man I ever dated seriously wanted to go that route. I’m not kidding. Every single one of them said, when I declined, “oh it’s because you’ve never had it done to you properly”. Needless to say, I hightailed it back to the UK and met the man of my dreams. Bliss. Thank you for sharing BTW!!

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