Look over there! Something shiny!

By Mir
January 15, 2006

I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.

I’m trapped inside my BRAIN. Let me tell you, it’s a horrifying place to be. It is VERY crowded in here, and noisy. In the event of cabin depressurization or a water landing or a plain ol’ crash there are no oxygen masks, flotation devices, or big inflatable slides. There’s only… ummm… well, you could try grabbing onto one or another of the misfiring neurons and hope that it doesn’t land you in the great black abyss, I suppose. Good luck with that.

Now, usually, I can pluck something out of here and point it to my fingers and they do a little dance with the keyboard and VOILA, a little something for you to read. The problem today is that nothing that seems within reach is anything that deserves to see the light of day. Stupid brain.

Everything that currently clogs up my poor brain can be classified in one of more of the following categories:

1) I’m overreacting about something that will probably turn out to be nothing. But just in case, I’ve decided to obsess about it for approximately 23 hours and 59 minutes out of each day. (The remaining minute shall be spent wondering if I should take a break and have a snack.)

2) I’m devoting a lot of time and energy to something I’m not ready to talk about yet, lest it skitter away from the harsh glare of reality and slip out of my grasp forever. You know how it is… you open the door and your fluffy little pet project gets spooked and takes off and gets run over by a car. Messy.

3) There are some lovely people in my life whom I love in spite of the fact that they will scour my blog for any indication that I need! to! talk! about THINGS and then badger me to SHARE. Sometimes, I just want to write about stuff and then pretend it never happened. Or be vague about something without having to screen my calls for the next week if I wish I avoid a thorough grilling. There are things I could say, if not for this conundrum. As it is, I feel the need to preemptively state that everything is fine! And my phone is broken!

4) There is no number 4.

Anyway, given all of that, what I’m left to talk about is… uhhhh… well, I’m still working on that part.

Hey! I know! I’ll distract y’all with some issues on which I need advice, and then YOU can talk, and I can go back to doing whatever it is I normally do to extricate myself from this sort of self-absorption. Doesn’t that sound like a great plan? Of course it does!

Feel free to offer your learned opinions on any and all of the following:

1) What’s the difference between running and walking shoes (sneakers, that is)? I need to buy some sneakers that will hold up to a LOT of walking and am wondering if I should buy some running shoes in the hopes that they’ll last longer, or be more comfortable, or something. Any recommendations on a cheap but durable brand/model?

2) I think it would be a spectacular fund raiser to auction off the chance to smack Teri Hatcher upside the head. The only question, to my mind, is what cause is the most noble and deserving of this opportunity. Please let me know your opinion on which philanthropic endeavor is most compatible with bitch-slapping that annoying woman.

3) I would love it if someone could explain to me WHY the only men who contact me off of any sort of matching site are smokers. When filling out a profile, the respondant is given the opportunity to specify that a potential match meet any variety of criteria from hair color to food preference. I am flexible on nearly everything. Except smoking. I have no desire to date an ashtray. I clearly state that I am not interested in smokers. Hence I am only contacted by smokers. Why?

4) There is still no number 4.

Discuss. I’m going to look for a broom and maybe some garbage bags.


  1. Jen

    I was just going to lurk here to find the shoe comments, but since no one has said anything, I thought I’d say hi. hi! (longwinded as ever, I guess.) I don’t know who terri hatcher is … but I get the feeling that’s okay.

  2. Jenny

    Your! Brain! sounds like a fun, if manic place to be trapped.

    1) Shoes. Heh. I buy cross-trainers since I’m such an athlete. Hahahahahaha! Heh. Hmm.

    2) Are you selling raffle tickets? I will buy several, if only for the hope that someone, somewhere, will get to smack TH.

    3) Smokers. They should fix that on fleeshmarphoney so that the hot, non-smoking babes aren’t matched with ashtrays.

    4) Unsolicited advice. Keep your pet projects in the house for a while.

  3. buffi

    Shoes! I can help with that. I sold shoes all thru college. Running and walking shoes are very different. Running shoes have padding and support in the front aat the ball of the foot. Walking shoes have support at the heel. (Think about where your foot strikes the ground when you walk vs run)

    Cross trainers are a good choice, too, tho. And why no number 4? What have you got against 4?

  4. Michele

    Oooo! Me me pick me for number three!

    All the non-smokers are married.

    Hope you have your flak jacket on for the matching sites. They’re annoying after the first half-dozen dates. I just deleted mine.

    Good luck, Mir. You’ve got us in your corner.

  5. Betsy

    Whatever you do, I’d highly recommend New Balance shoes. They’re not cheap – but they will last and last and last.

    Online dating? Consider it all fodder for a book someday, and save all the wacky replies and/or profiles you find accordingly.

    And if you’re in need of a distraction? Come visit my brand-spanking new site, with the design work all done by yours truly…!

  6. karen

    New balance shoes are the best. Or at least, they’re the best for me. I went to get walking shoes or cross-trainers because i don’t run. Ever, if I can help it. But the running shoes were cuter, so I got them instead, and they’re great.

  7. holley

    Dangit, I actually had something sage and useful to say, but Buffi, Betsy and karen said it first. Absolutely: New Balance, walking shoes — the padding’s in the right place. But they are heavier than running shoes.

    Amnesty International hasn’t gotten much press lately.

    You sound like something’s up, do you want to talk about it?

  8. Angela

    I’m with Holley and the whole “dangit, I had something to say about shoes” thing. Pttthhppptttttt! to those of you who stole our thunder.

    Don’t really have answers for the other two.

    Mir, do you need to talk?

  9. Jenn

    I wear crosstrainers, for no other reason than that a lot of walking shoes are kind of plain and ‘eh’ and running shoes always seem to me to have narrow soles and I am clumsy enough, I don’t need a narrow soled running shoe making me roll my ankle and fall over. Been there, done that.

    And yeah, New Balance shoes are nice. I don’t think they’re that expensive, but then again, I wait until they go on sale and use my husband’s employee discount.

  10. Monkey loves Kitten

    Ditto on New Balance. I love them because they come in “wide” and, coincidentally, so do my feet. The style I have is 471 and a quick Froogle pops ’em up at $40 lots of places.

    Don’t be too hard on Teri. She has no ass, and not in a good way.

  11. dad

    Your problems are over.
    I have a huge supply of extra fours (4’s) which you are welcome to.

    Knock yourself out.

    You are entertaining, even about nothing!

  12. Lisa

    Hmmm….I’d pay money to Bitch slap Teri Hatcher and several other annoying celebrities, I think you are on to something there.

  13. Cele

    Okay after I’ve read the comments I have my own…

    1) Remember when we all bought $1.99 knock of Keds, and they were the best tennis shoes? What’s that all about? Running shoes, cross trainers, and walking shoes – all too expensive, made in third world countries for haypennies on the dollar.

    2) People still watch that show? What’s that about? I gave up after the fifth episode, and while I love Felicity Huffman (what a great actress – and Marcia Cross is no slouch) the plot at overacting drove me crazy.

    3) If you’re paying big bucks for a match service (and no tennis balls – little skirts – and cute instructers are involved) and all you get are ashtrays, I’d ask for my moneyback.

    4) I’ve got a four. Mir at least they think there is something you need (want) to talk about and they don’t think it is them you are talking about.

    5) argh, I had a five…

  14. David

    Guilty as charged. Now, about your questions:
    1. What can I tell you? I pick my sneakers based on their having velcro fasteners. I hate tying shoes.
    2. Bitch-slap Teri? Gee, I thought she was rather fetching back when she was hanging out with Superman. Did I miss something? *ducks quickly*
    3. No idea at all. Sounds to me like the match filters are clogged — probably with cigarette smoke.

  15. Carol

    C’mon Mir, are you SURE there’s not something that you NEED to talk about????

  16. AuntieRob

    To us, it may sound like you need to talk, but I understand your need not to do so until you have sorted out all of the minutiae. Just remember we are there for you when you ARE ready. We are a soft place to fall.

  17. shannon

    Buffi is right about the shoes…however, did you know that running shoes are designed to last only 6 WEEKS? Yes, that is not a typo, weeks. (I currently sell shoes, although not running/sport shoes, a friend of mine designs for Adidas and gave me that little, gasp enducing, tidbit).

    Smokers never think people really mean it when they say things like, “smokers need not apply.” They think that they’ll be the one to change your mind because they are. that. cool! and you will be able to overlook the stench that emenates from their bodies (imgaine Pig Pen and his stink lines…smokers!).

  18. JenE

    Go with the New Balance suggestions. Just remember that the lower the number on the shoe, the lower the quality. I walk about 2.5 miles a day each day of the week, and mine last me about 6 months. I have two different pairs of NB shoes in the 700 model series, and I love them.

  19. Nothing But Bonfires

    Maybe you’re not reading their profiles properly and they’re not smokers, they’re SMOKING HOT.

    Also, with the Terri Hatcher thing, maybe we could do a two-for-one deal and also put Tom Cruise in there. Or Carson Daly. Or Ashlee Simpson. Or….yeah, this is going to be hard.

    (By the way, I accidentally wrote “out” Tom Cruise rather than “put” Tom Cruise. Freudian slip or what?)

  20. ishouldbeworking

    I also vote for New Balance. Love ’em,love ’em,love ’em! I personally don’t have anything against Teri Hatcher, but I’m all for a good bitch slappin’ any day.

  21. Dawn

    Re only smokers contacting you – because online dating is the 12th circle of hell. Married men somehow think I will be delighted to be their little bit on the side. And who knew Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde had so many aliases?

    Let me know when you get the Smack Hatcher fund raiser organized. I’m in!

  22. wheelomatic

    New Balance or Saucony=last and last. This from some one who walked ~500 miles in 7 months (Training for the MS 3-day) and, being short-legged and chunky puts a lot of wear on shoes.

    Could not care less about TH-what is with the bags under her eyes any way? But sure I’d pay $$ to smack her just on the GP that anyone that over paid and over exposed needs a reality check.

    Sounds like the filters in SmeeGlarmony need cleaning and not in that fun way. I would definitely write their customer service. FYI one of my BFFs got matched with such a control freak she had to change her phone number. Ick.

    Be brave and don’t talk til you’r ready.

  23. Contary

    Well, I don’t much have anything against Terri Hatcher. Shoot. Hey! Maybe you could provide an alternate asshat celebrity twit!

    For example, I could slap Michael Jackson so hard his nose falls off.
    Ok, so admittedly it wouldn’t take much of a smack, but still.

    What d’ya think?

  24. Amy-GO

    1. My motto is “Never run unless you are being chased.” So I know less than nothing about running shoes. Sorry.
    2. I don’t watch Housewives, so I don’t know why she’s annoying, but she’s skinnier than me, so count me in.
    3. Smokers. GROSS! I’m just sayin’.
    4. Yes, I do realize that I’m completely unhelpful. Apparently my brain is not at its best tonight, either. :)

  25. mrsmogul

    When I clicked on something shiny I expected to see a coin or something :)

  26. ben

    Everyone seems to have missed the point.

    What, exactly, do you need a broom and trash bags for?

    And, did you ever find them?

    I gots ta know! I can’t sleep unless I know the Truth.

    (also, why won’t your blog ever remember me? Am I not special? Enough?)

  27. Shiz

    The answer to #2 is Women Against Violence Against Women.

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