Sung to the tune of “I left my heart in San Francisco”

By Mir
January 5, 2006

Only, I haven’t been to San Francisco in a very long time, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t leave my heart there. There was this one VERY steep hill where I became momentarily convinced the car was going to go muffler over windshield and we were all going to die… I MAY have left a small piece of my stomach around there. But that’s the only anatomy I possibly misplaced in the Bay Area.

Nope, my version is “I shovelled my sanity away.”

And the story–as it so often does–starts with my typical opener: Hi, I’m a moron!

The thing is, I’ve been making incredible progress in cleaning up around here. Having finally dug out the playroom has given me the boost I needed to declutter other areas as well. And once the clutter is picked up, I can do revolutionary things like… dust! I’m on a roll now! It’s great! My house is starting to look almost tidy, and I’m digging it. Today I filled two more garbage bags with STUFF that has been laying around for who knows how long but is completely unnecessary. Progress!

So I really should’ve known that something would go wrong.

I take a very lovely little pill every evening, see? I heart my little pills. They are small and unassuming and seem to have no effect on me other than keeping me from closing myself in the closet and crying for extended periods of time. Not that I’ve ever done that. Hahaha! Right. Um. So those pills, they mean an awful lot to me and my fragile psyche.

My doctor gave me a prescription, a while back, and a bunch of samples to tide me over while I waited for the mail-in company to send me my three-month supply.

Here’s how the mail-order company is SUPPOSED to work:
You mail in a prescription. They mail you your meds.

Here’s how the mail-order company ACTUALLY works:
I mail in a prescription. When I haven’t heard anything in a week, I call them. They know nothing. A week later, they call my ex (because he carries the health insurance) and explain to him that they’ve never heard of HIPAA my prescription cannot be filled because the insurance has recently moved that particular medication out of the accepted formulary. A preauthorization will be required, and they are mailing my prescription back to me. Another week passes and I realize I never got the script back. I call them. They know nothing. The prescription is never seen or heard from again.

Wow, that prescription mail-in benefit is invaluable, don’t you agree?

I went back to my doctor and asked for a new prescription, to fill locally. I explained about the preauthorization required, and the doctor said to take the prescription to the pharmacy, the pharmacy would fax over the necessary forms, they would fill them out, the preauthorization would be processed, all would be happy. And then she gave me another six boxes of samples, to tide me over.

I walked out of the doctor’s office and tucked the boxes into the glovebox of my car. Over the course of the next week or so I spotted them in there, a few times, and chuckled to myself, thinking about what might happen if I was pulled over.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Okay, sure… *opening glovebox, drugs spilling everywhere*
Cop: Um, ma’am? Step out of the car, please. Keep your hands where I can see them.

At some point, I realized I should take the meds inside, and so I did. And I put them… somewhere.

And then I cleaned my little heart out over the course of the next week or so.

Three things have happened this week.
1) I discovered that my prescription STILL has not been filled, because the preauthorization STILL has not been processed.
2) I ran out of the rest of the meds that I had before this last batch of samples.
3) I realized that I have no recollection of what happened after the samples left my car… and, in fact, I cannot find them anywhere.

I am without my happy little pills. I am bereft.

And I have turned the house upside down and still have not found the 6 weeks or so of samples which were given to me. It does not help my overall frustration level to realize that I have essentially misplaced $100 worth of medication.

But… DID I misplace it? Or did I THROW IT AWAY during my cleaning frenzy? It seems so unlikely; the boxes are bulky, and surely I would’ve noticed. It’s more likely that I just put them somewhere really stupid. Like, I was going through phone bills from 1999 and came across the boxes and said to myself, “Oh, these don’t belong here. Perhaps I shall place them in my medicine cabinet, where they belong. Oh! Wait! Better yet, I think I shall place them in a plastic bag and then put that bag into the deep freeze where I will never find it again.”

Nooooo recollection of any such thing, of course. And now? Without my happy pills? I’ll be lucky to remember to brush my teeth, nevermind figuring out what the hell I did with my medication.

Thank goodness I still have my hormone patches. I’m considering wearing an extra one. Or twelve. Just until I solve the mystery of the disappearing pills. Or feel compelled to sit in the closet and cry.


  1. Michele

    I hearby nominate Mir for the blue ribbon “I hate it when that happens” award. I misplaced a 200 dollar check from my mother one time and had a banking disaster ensue — because I was certain that I must have deposited it. . .

    Good luck on finding the mysterious disappearing happy pills. Did you check in the back of the wardrobe? Maybe there is a mysterious faun laying in front of his Narnian fire and using up all of your happy.

  2. Latte Man

    Gee, you really have those prescription mail order companies down pat. (Sorry to say)

    I have had the same EXACT experience with them, only one of my meds is a “controled substance” in NJ (and apparently only in NJ) which does not allow for more than a thirty day supply, so I have to play this tango with them MONTHLY!

    The only suggestion I can offer is since you of course wanted to keep these little gems all to yourself and not have them wind up as child playthings, look in “high” places.

  3. Cele

    Mir, I know you’re much wiser than this, but I know you are suffering happy pill anxiety. DO NOT USE MORE THAN ONE HORMONE PATCH. they don’t call it hormonal for nothing.

    And I have to ask the obvious, you did check the glove box right? They will show up, you will feel better.

    I am now sworn off mail in pharmacies.

  4. Theresa

    I hate those mail in prescriptions! They never got the kids asthma meds to me in time, yet when I tried to just refill at the pharmacy, I couldn’t, because the ins. wouldn’t approve another Rx, even though we never got the dang things!

    Hope you find those pills. I puffy heart my own little happy pills.

  5. DebR

    Here’s hoping that the missing happy pills have already magically reappeared!!! (Or that if you didn’t you have an understanding doc who will give you some more samples today.)

    Our insurance is about to change in a month or so and I was thinking of trying the mail prescription thingy to save some $$. Now I’m thinking maybe NOT!

  6. Bob

    they weren’t in the glove compartment in the wrecked car were they?

  7. ishouldbeworking

    That’s exactly what I was gonna post. Good luck finding your meds.

  8. Jessie

    Hope you’ve found them by now. The only similar experience I’ve had was when I lost my birth control pills for a couple of hours. As soon as I realized they were missing I went into complete panic mode until they were found. (They were in a file folder I had been using for some work stuff the previous day. Why? No clue.)

  9. Gina

    Oh my goard! I feel for you, Mir.

  10. margalit

    I’m a bigger moron. A friend came over to cash my check since I’m completely housebound after my surgery and can’t get to the bank. She gave me $300, I wrote her a check, and then promptly lost the envelope with the cash in it. Why is the cash important. Lunch money! Kids had to borrow today. What an idjit I am. And I also went on a cleaning spree, tossing out a ton of crap while looking for the envelope. Shit.

  11. David

    My money’s on the catch-all kitchen cabinet. You know, the one everyone has that should bear a warning label that reads “Warning: contents under extreme pressure. Do not even THINK about opening this cabinet unless you’re looking for missing meds”?

  12. carmen

    Mir, if your happy pills are Zoloft, 50 or 100 mgs, email me. I’ve got a bunch extra here since I went off them.

  13. Amy-GO

    AAAArgh! I hate to lose stuff, I double hate insurance companies, I am so sorry. I’m with Latte man, look in kid-proof places. Except you probably already have…any chance you put them in a purse you aren’t using any more? Or in the pocket of something that’s now in the hamper? My two most common lost-item hiding places. Good Luck!

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