It was 7 degrees outside this morning when I took the kids to school. I still haven’t thawed.
Thus begins the official season of me spending the next 5 months huddled next to the heating vent, applying hand lotion in a crazed, obsessive manner. No matter how well I may manage to clean myself up during the winter, my chapped hands always give me away. People, there’s a REASON we’re all better off with me working from home.
Anyway. An entire day of running around in the freezing cold has left me totally devoid of cohesive thought. (Yes, that IS different than normal. Normally I have cohesive thoughts that are dumb, sure, but they do follow some sort of progression.)
Hey! It’s time for my annual pre-holiday FREAK OUT! Those of you who wished me dead upon hearing how early I complete my Christmas shopping will be delighted to learn that this lulls me into a false sense of security, and about 10 days before the big day I realize that I haven’t:
A) wrapped any presents
B) mailed any presents
C) created Christmas cards
D) mailed any Christmas cards
E) figured out teacher gifts
F) started thinking about Monkey’s birthday, which by the way is right after New Year’s and therefore soon.
My typical response to this state of affairs is to:
A) wrap the presents that need to be mailed
B) spend some quality time with my special friend, Click-N-Ship
C) decide I’ll skip cards this year
D) wonder if all my friends will think I’m snubbing them because I didn’t send cards
E) remember that I already bought teacher gifts
F) completely panic about Monkey’s birthday and wonder if I can convince him not to have a party this year.
So far, I’m RIGHT ON SCHEDULE on all counts.
I should have known that my evening would be like this, actually. There were plenty of clues. The fact that it’s December, for example. The very twinkly fake tree in my living room. The fact that I was making dinner tonight and opened the freezer to take out a bag of peas, and a fork fell out.
A fork. Fell out of my freezer. I don’t know about you, but that’s not where I keep my cutlery, as a general rule. And the other people who live in this house are theoretically too short to reach the freezer door. So I just don’t want to think too much about it, thankyouverymuch.
Other clues that it’s that MAGICAL time of year:
* I regularly lie in bed at night, annoyed that the candle lamps in the windows are making it too bright in my room, but too tired to get up and unplug them all.
* During round 2 with the big bank using all-offshore customer service–after going around and around with a nice Indian woman where I tried to explain that I need a letter from them to get the title to my car, while she tried to tell me they’d be happy to write the letter as soon as I send them a copy of my title–I actually burst out with, “Who’s on first? What’s on second?” The rep didn’t find it amusing, but I’m pretty sure that’s only because she doesn’t speak english.
* Chickadee was named Student of the Month for the second grade, and my first thought was that they must’ve chosen her because of the car accident and the stitches and everything. Way to be a proud parent!
* Monkey is becoming so shaggy that I keep meaning to cut his hair, but then I reason that since he’s wearing a hat most of the time I can get away with waiting longer.
* But I do vow to make “Mmmm… psychotically good” my new catch phrase.
So… ummm… if I disappear after tomorrow, probably I died at the Post Office. As a precautionary measure, I do realize it’s likely not the best place to test out my new phrase, but still. It’s a dangerous place. Pray for me.