It was 7 degrees outside this morning when I took the kids to school. I still haven’t thawed.
Thus begins the official season of me spending the next 5 months huddled next to the heating vent, applying hand lotion in a crazed, obsessive manner. No matter how well I may manage to clean myself up during the winter, my chapped hands always give me away. People, there’s a REASON we’re all better off with me working from home.
Anyway. An entire day of running around in the freezing cold has left me totally devoid of cohesive thought. (Yes, that IS different than normal. Normally I have cohesive thoughts that are dumb, sure, but they do follow some sort of progression.)
Hey! It’s time for my annual pre-holiday FREAK OUT! Those of you who wished me dead upon hearing how early I complete my Christmas shopping will be delighted to learn that this lulls me into a false sense of security, and about 10 days before the big day I realize that I haven’t:
A) wrapped any presents
B) mailed any presents
C) created Christmas cards
D) mailed any Christmas cards
E) figured out teacher gifts
F) started thinking about Monkey’s birthday, which by the way is right after New Year’s and therefore soon.
My typical response to this state of affairs is to:
A) wrap the presents that need to be mailed
B) spend some quality time with my special friend, Click-N-Ship
C) decide I’ll skip cards this year
D) wonder if all my friends will think I’m snubbing them because I didn’t send cards
E) remember that I already bought teacher gifts
F) completely panic about Monkey’s birthday and wonder if I can convince him not to have a party this year.
So far, I’m RIGHT ON SCHEDULE on all counts.
I should have known that my evening would be like this, actually. There were plenty of clues. The fact that it’s December, for example. The very twinkly fake tree in my living room. The fact that I was making dinner tonight and opened the freezer to take out a bag of peas, and a fork fell out.
A fork. Fell out of my freezer. I don’t know about you, but that’s not where I keep my cutlery, as a general rule. And the other people who live in this house are theoretically too short to reach the freezer door. So I just don’t want to think too much about it, thankyouverymuch.
Other clues that it’s that MAGICAL time of year:
* I regularly lie in bed at night, annoyed that the candle lamps in the windows are making it too bright in my room, but too tired to get up and unplug them all.
* During round 2 with the big bank using all-offshore customer service–after going around and around with a nice Indian woman where I tried to explain that I need a letter from them to get the title to my car, while she tried to tell me they’d be happy to write the letter as soon as I send them a copy of my title–I actually burst out with, “Who’s on first? What’s on second?” The rep didn’t find it amusing, but I’m pretty sure that’s only because she doesn’t speak english.
* Chickadee was named Student of the Month for the second grade, and my first thought was that they must’ve chosen her because of the car accident and the stitches and everything. Way to be a proud parent!
* Monkey is becoming so shaggy that I keep meaning to cut his hair, but then I reason that since he’s wearing a hat most of the time I can get away with waiting longer.
* A friend turns me on to this place and I am instantly remorseful that there isn’t enough time left to order these for everyone on my gift list.
* But I do vow to make “Mmmm… psychotically good” my new catch phrase.
So… ummm… if I disappear after tomorrow, probably I died at the Post Office. As a precautionary measure, I do realize it’s likely not the best place to test out my new phrase, but still. It’s a dangerous place. Pray for me.
Excuse me, 7 degrees?! Hold on, I have to go put socks on before I read the rest of this post. I am cold now.
I’ve been procrastinating with shopping this year. I think it’s because I’m buying everyone’s gift from Amazon.com and letting them wrap it and ship it. No long lines to wait in. No need to put on clothes. Just a click here and a click there.
A fork? Really?
I am going to get the Freudian slippers. They’ll go well with most of my conversations these days.
I am wrapping this weekend. I’ll pray for you if you pray for me!
Wrapping? Mailing? Christmas cards? Crap. I knew I forgot something….
Christmas cards…hahahahahaha. Yeah. I bought ’em before Thanksgiving and they are sitting in a plastic bag next to me so I can scribble some out at lunch and get them in the mail. In my house, good intentions pave the road to Christmas.
Thanks a lot. I just maxxed out my credit card on that website. Just had to have the Rivera and Kahlo finger puppets.
Thanks a lot. I just maxxed out my credit card on that website. Just had to have the Rivera and Kahlo finger puppets.
Mir, take a picture you already have of the fam, send it to Snapfish.com and make holiday postcards out of it. You can even have the message pre-printed. Mine turned out great, and it’s a frameable photo for whoever recieves it! email me if you have any questions, and no, I don’t work for them. Promise.
Have a great day! I really enjoy reading your blog!
Shash
I like that they remind you to take the mints orally. Hmm.
I’m thinking my therapist hasn’t been totally straight with me…
I hear you about the hands… Last week it got down to 15 below here, and I’m constantly washing hands (diaper changing, you know.)I highly recommend Crabtree and Evelyn’s Gardener’s Hand Therapy. It’s the only thing that keeps the skin on my hands from cracking during the winter. (Sorry this sounds like an ad, it’s not, really!)
Good luck with the Christmas stuff – I haven’t purchased a single gift yet! EEK!
**snicker**
That Ben cracks me up!
**wiping schmootz from eyes**
Procrastonating right along with ya’, Babe!
Thank you for this! My husband is going to LOVE the Smush Bush and National EmbarassMints I just ordered for him for Chanukah!
Dear gawd woman, if you sold stuff on E-Bay we’d be living parallel lives – LOL
We had a foot of snow last week. Then it hit fifty degrees and we had a foot of mud. Then it all froze again, and now it’s spittin’ snow.
I had a steak knife fall out of the freezer a few days ago. I’ve learned not to ask why. (The spoon last summer was easy to figure out, especially when I spied the open ice cream box.) Can’t explain your fork, sorry LOL
The only thing I have wrapped is auction sales.
I have a box of brand new Hallmark Christmas cards that I got at a garage sale several months ago for a quarter. The box is still sealed (Obviously I haven’t addressed them).
I too have a child with an early January birthday. He gets whatever is on the after-Christmas sale table – LOL
I am chapped all over from the dry, cold air. I fear the friction of my thighs may start a fire, which will probably burn up all of my wrapped-and-ready-to-ship E-Bay merchandise, and the unused box of Hallmark Christmas cards.
Going to go jump into a tub of Vaseline Intensive Care now…good luck to ya darlin’ LOL
LOLOL I am still running around in flip flops! 7 degrees…dear God. That is why I left the midwest.
I have not sent cards for years…I always think I will…but it never happens.
I will, however, be at the post office tomorrow too. Your freak out is the same as mine, but my Grandson has his birthday at the beginning of December. Still. Same freak out.
Love the new catch phrase though. I’ll see how the postal workers here like it. *G*