From the pages of the DUH files

By Mir
November 8, 2005

I had a rollicking good time on the phone with someone, earlier tonight, (and I have not–to my knowledge–rollicked previously, so you KNOW it was a good time in a whole new way!) and at one point she commented on how I am “always so positive.”

There was a slight delay while I laughed until I cried and then continued laughing until I peed my pants, and then just a bit more of an interruption while I went and changed my pants.

I am really not a positive person, unless you mean that I am positive that I would rather laugh than cry. In THAT case, I am the most positive person you know. Also, in that case, you really need to be making some other friends.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything. I just thought you might like to know why my pants don’t match my shirt.

In the meantime, while we finalize plans for shipping all annoying people off to a distant island, I’ve been thinking. That’s always dangerous. But sometimes I can’t help it. I’ve been thinking, I need to learn to adapt to my surroundings better. And part of doing that is clarifying potentially confusing human interactions, both for myself and for others. I think a few friendly tips could really help things move more smoothly in my life.

Hence it’s time to dive into the DUH files and examine a few cases where a little bit of extra thought could go a long way. Ohboy! It’s just too exciting, I tell you.

CASE #872:
If someone contacts you hoping to get an interview for a business article, be professional. In other words, stay on topic. If you must reschedule to an unforseeable medical emergency, that’s perfectly fine. Simply apologize and state that something came up. Unless the interviewer has opened the discussion with, “So, how’s your ass today?” or “You know, sure, we’re SUPPOSED to talk about your business, but what I REALLY want to know is if you’ve experienced any recent rectal difficulty,” it is NOT appropriate to mention the agony of a new hemorrhoid. It is NEVER appropriate to then EXPOUND UPON the state of said swollen anal tissues. NEV. ER. *twitch*

CASE #916:
When playing a rousing game of pretend to pass the time during a car trip, it will make perfect sense to everyone except the attending adult when the following statement is issued: “Okay, who do you want to be? Except, you can’t be a BABY, because we’re riding in a TAXI.” This is known as “thinking outside the box” or “my children live in an alternate dimension where it is illegal for babies to board cabs.” Just try to go with it.

CASE #977:
Though shalt not torture thy little brother about his impending flu shot, for lo, the pediatrician may get in another shipment of vaccine and thou mightest need to eat thy meanie words. Plus your mother may not be all that sympathetic when it hurts. Just sayin’.

CASE #1013:
It’s always a great idea to try to get to know the other parents of kids in your child’s class. By all means, make a phone call, extend an invitation, whatever; acquaint yourselves and reach out. Under no circumstances is it a classy move to combine this activity with any home-based business. No one wants to buy candles, plastic storage, jewelry, scrapbooking materials, baskets, or kitchen gadgets from the friends they ALREADY have. If the target of your invitation has never met you, it’s a safe bet that she is not interested in buying your crap. Furthermore, she’s now made a mental note that you’re an ass.

CASE #1485:
Just as fire necessitates the “Stop, Drop and Roll” routine, “What did I just ask you to do?” calls for a similar response: Stop, Repeat and Execute. For example, it would be reasonable to respond to this query with a cessation of fooling around, the echoing of “put on my pajamas,” and immediate follow-through on said clothing exchange. The following are NEVER appropriate answers to “What did I just ask you to do?”:
A) “Sit on your head!”
B) “Burp and toot at the same time!”
C) “Run around like I have ants in my pants!”
D) “Ummm… ignore you and do whatever I want?”

I hope that the review of these files has been illuminating for everyone. It’s always informative for me, and of course I pray nightly for others to see the light as well. Please. For the love of God.

Only you can prevent social ineptitude. Go forth and educate, people.


  1. Jenn

    Just so I am clear. In an interview don’t say “How is your ass?” BUT is it okay to talk about vaginas, because I totally did that in a recent interview. And not with an OB/GYN either.

  2. buffi

    May I get a copy of these in poster size? Specifically the ones about children. Come to think of it all of them will come in handy at some point. You are such a humanitarian for helping us out this way.

  3. Bob

    So, how’s your ass today?

    Hopefully things are better and you’ve left your medical emergency behind you.

    Also, it’s amusing that your kids think of you as a taxi service. Do they tip well?

  4. Mir

    I… feel a need to clarify that I was the interviewER and not the interviewEE in that scenario. I am completely unacquainted with the complexity of ‘rhoids. Or, at least, I WAS.

    Must go bleach my brain again. Back later.

  5. Colleen

    Hmmm, yea, I can relate to #1013. I don’t have kids, but I have an acquaintance with kids and she’s into all that scrapbooking, rubber stamping, pampered chef and homemade gourment crap and the only time she talks to me is to try to sell me crap or get me to come to one of those parties.

    I’ve only gone to one of her sell-a-parties and have said no to every email and phone call invitation to those parties, but she continues to ask. STOP ASKING ME!!!

    I was amused by #977. Boy that instant Karma can really bite ya in the butt can’t it? (Pun intended. LOL)

  6. Nothing But Bonfires

    The only thing better than rollicking is gallivanting. Also canoodling.

  7. joaaanna

    she’s now made a mental note that you’re an ass

    Oh man – I just love that!!!!

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