How to… sleep in in the morning:
Give the children permission to rise and fetch their own breakfasts, play downstairs, and watch cartoons. You should be able to grab an extra hour of sleep before the screaming becomes too loud. This approach is not recommended if you will be troubled by any of the following–
A) Trails of pop-tart crumbs
B) Milk spilled on the floor
C) 325 pieces of dollhouse furniture set out like a wee furniture warehouse showfloor all over the living room floor
D) Your son wearing a pink unitard
E) Your daughter wearing your son’s brand-new dress socks
How to… get the kids to clean up their mess:
Offer to take them to a movie later on if they’re good. Be sure to bring it up again–wistfully–any time they wander off task. “I guess we won’t be able to see that movie, after all,” followed by a heavy sigh, for example, works wonderfully.
How to… avoid buying expensive snacks at the theatre:
Fill baggies for each child with a variety of munchies. Add two more cheez-its to that bag. Now check the first one again. They’re still not even, you know. Weigh them, or count the pieces in each one, or simply start hollering that if everyone does not stop bickering RIGHT NOW they can all go to their rooms while you take their snacks to the movie without them.
How to… locate the tub of orange frosting you signed up to contribute to the Halloween party at school:
Sorry, that one’s impossible. Visit 3 different stores and then just make peace with tinting some vanilla.
How to… give the kids a smooth transition to the time change:
Move bedtime an hour later. Force cranky children to take late showers, and after the fifteenth “Are you about done?” just turn the water off (but you probably want to be wearing earplugs for that part). Blow-dry everyone’s hair so they’re warm and cozy. Lower all storm windows and reset clocks. Explain to tired children that you will not be held responsible for your actions if anyone wakes you before 7:00.
How to… give yourself a smooth transition to the time change:
Catch a cold. You’ll be grateful for the extra hour of sleep, and there’s no worrying about waking up earlier than normal.
How to… adapt to the too-short haircut:
A combination of techniques is recommended–
A) Use plenty of product
B) Pull hair away from the head while blow-drying, to promote fullness and the illusion of longer locks
C) Wear more make-up
D) When all else fails… wear a hat
How to… mark time while waiting for your too-short haircut to grow out:
Shave off all your pubic hair. For one thing, it’ll make the hair on your head seem long in comparison. For another, your head will seem less horribly exposed than the… ummm… other scalped area. Finally, by the time your bush grows back in, you know your hair will be that much longer as well.
*All of the foregoing are suggestions only, and the author claims no responsibility for individual results nor admits to having personally experienced any of the actions discussed herein. It can, however, be stated for the record that Wallace and Gromit rock my socks.