My eyes!!

By Mir
October 28, 2005

I am watching the Food Network and was so excited to see that we’d be learning how a red velvet cake is made. I mean, I live in New England, and red velvet cake is not a staple around here. So, yay! What a thrilling way to spend my Friday night!

Except that Al Roker was chatting with the bakery lady while they made the cake together, and then he… he… *shudder* he spanked himself with the rubber spatula while declaring the cake “sexy.”

That was just wrong on so many different levels. Any desire I had for red velvet cake? GONE.

In fact, I think there’s an entire market waiting to be tapped with the Roker Aversion Diet. They could call it RAD for short, and people everywhere who previously failed every diet will soon be thin, just from having to watch Al Roker being playful with foods they used to love. Gah.

In other news, the world ended today.

Yes, the world came to a screeching halt, and I–it just figures–was taking a nap.

I woke up with a start, feeling guilty for having snoozed. I checked the clock. Aaaaaaaand… no readout. The clock was dead. Hrm. I walked around the house to see if everything was out and it was. Alrighty. I found my watch, confirmed that I hadn’t been asleep very long, and waited for the power to come back on.

And waited. And waited. And waaaaiiiited and realized that hey! It is quite chilly in here! And if the power doesn’t come back, my guess is that it’s only going to get colder! Well, now I was quite annoyed that the power STILL had not come back on, so I picked up the phone to call the power company.

Except that the phone was dead, too.

When my cell phone rang, it scared the crap outta me. It was Monkey’s school, letting me know that their power was going in and out and that they’d be closing early. Okay, then. I will come pick him up right away.

Once in the garage, I had a moment of panic. Oh, fickle technology which has abandoned me! Now my car is TRAPPED inside the house!! But I did manage to figure out how to open the garage without the aid of electricity. I am practically Laura Ingalls, I tell you.

It seems that someone ran their car into a power pole about a block away from my house, out on the main road. They did eventually get the power back on (several hours later) and the phone followed about an hour after that. It was a good thing, too, because after picking up the kids and running some errands, I figured I had two options: Lose them in the grocery store and make a run for it, or strap them to the sofa and let them watch cartoons until their eyes started to glaze over. I think we were all pleased when power (and heat, and cable) greeted us upon our return. So it all worked out.

But man… I am totally going to have Roker-inspired nightmares tonight.


  1. Steve S

    REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement) is a good stage of a normal sleep night.

    I am not sure if RIN (Roker Inspired Nightmares) qualifies for that categorization.

    Let us know okay?

  2. Chookooloonks

    Yeesh. I mean, I LIKE Al and all, just not in THAT WAY.


  3. DebR

    New idea for child disciplinary action: A Time Al, wherein said child is strapped to the sofa and forced to watch Al Roker on the Food Network until they either repent or go blind.

    Um…on second thought, someone might report you to child protective services for that, so Never Mind. (said in my best Emily Latella voice)

  4. Diana

    A fellow Red Velvet Cake lover!!
    We are few and far between, but, MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM we know good eatin’!!
    I actually DO have a recipe, if you’re interested (if you can wipe that image of Al from your memory! ;)).
    I got it from my mother, but I think it originally came from my grandmother, who lived in West Virginia – so you Know it’s authentic!!
    It’s quite an involved recipe, so I think I’ve only made it once, but now you’ve got me hankering!

    Wondering where in N.E. you live, as I’m out here also. Also lived in San Fran for a couple years.
    Loved your 100 list – several other things we have in common too. ;)

    Let me know about that red velvet – would be happy to oblige.


  5. Lisa

    There are certain things one should picture in their mind…Al Rokoer spanking himself with a spatula is one of them. Yea, thats not so good. If I actually hadseen it, I may have had to claw my eyes out.

  6. Nothing But Bonfires

    Man, you could make millions with the RAD.It’s like the Cabbage Soup Diet, where the absolute disgustingness of the boiled cabbage slop you have to eat at every meal outweighs the terrible gnawing hunger, so you end up eating nothing rather than succumbing to cabbage soup.

  7. Amy-GO

    Ummm, EEEEWWWWWW! The other day at the petting zoo some random stranger (male, no less!) started talking to me about yeast infections. Same reaction as to spatula-spanking: Oh no you did NOT just say that. I must now get away from you immediately while trying to remove my ears (in case you say anything else). Maybe the power went out because the tv itself had an aversion to Al. Makes you wonder. :)

  8. buffi

    Al Roker and spanking in the same sentence. Wrong. So, so very w-r-o-n-g. Even the mental image is tough to deal with.

  9. Aimee

    I’m sorry, I blacked out after ‘rubber spatula.’

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