Hilarious misunderstandings!

By Mir
October 24, 2005

I should’ve known this was coming. I mean, it’s karmic retribution for blithely tossing around the word “malapropisms” a few days ago. Stupid! I should’ve covered myself better. I should’ve known! Murphy is no friend of mine. Murphy comes up as “Unavailable” on the Caller ID and then tries to sell me aluminum siding during dinner, in fact.

And yet, here I am. Victim of so many communication failures. It is to laugh, if only I can stop wailing and gnashing my teeth long enough to do so.

Example 1: “No, Mama. I am TELLING you, they were talking about the LONG Ranger. He had to ride for a very LONG time. See? You’ve never even SEEN that show. And LONE isn’t even a word.” (My wise reaction: I backed away slowly, because heaven forbid I actually be RIGHT about anything.)

Example 2: “I didn’t kick you! I was just… rubbing your leg… with my foot… a little.” (My wise reaction: Mama Death Glare, judiciously administered until the little head hung and the lip quivered and an apology was offered.)

Example 3 is more complicated. But I’m sure it’s just as funny! Or will be, someday, looking back, after a LOT of alcohol!

So, hey–remember my FABULOUS new haircut? I went short for the first time in 20 years and it was actually pretty great? No tears, no trauma.

And then, I dyed my hair? To cover the grey? And it was, um, black. Which was Not The Goal. But! I consulted my friend the internet! And my actual human friends who were not as dumb as me! And I was able to (mostly) get it back to brown.

I got cocky. Too many near-misses, and I thought I was invincible. I see my folly, now. Alas.

So, today, I went in to see my stylist and we did that pre-shampoo thing where I sit in the chair and tell her what I want. I ran my hands through my hair and showed her the areas where it had just gotten too thick and bushy. “I’m really loving it,” I told her, “But see how it’s all sticking out here? I think we need to go a little bit shorter this time.”

Well hello there, Example 3! Come right on it and MAKE ME CRY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

See, I said, “I think we need to go a little bit shorter this time.” I’m not positive what she heard, but I think I’ve narrowed it down to one of the following:
She heard: Have some speed and make me look like a little porter this time.
She heard: I think we need to shave my head this time.
She heard: You smell like a goat, dress like a transvestite hooker, and I will never ever tip you a single red cent ever again. Now that you know that, why dontcha go ahead and cut my hair?

How bad is it? Don’t even bother asking for a picture.

Hey, speaking of pictures! I came home and, um, wept copiously, and kept peeking in the mirror to see if, I dunno, maybe my hair had magically GROWN since I’d last looked, and then I had a brilliant idea! I know of at least two women whom I admire and think are beautiful who sport very short, dark hair. I could go look at some of their pictures and remind myself how very flattering such a ‘do can be, and then I would cheer right up!

Except. Um. My hair is now shorter than both of theirs. SHORT. ER.

On the bright side, it’s now remarkably close to my original color… since all of the hair I dyed was pretty much lopped off right at the scalp. Hahahaha. You! Get me another drink! And some cyanide.

I had to get through an entire afternoon/evening with the kids before I could properly drown my sorrows, so I did the only thing that made sense. I tried to turn that frown upside down! Because nothing says comfort like artificial maple-flavored sugar and half a pound of pork fat.

Well, the kids seemed to enjoy it. Maybe the problem was that I didn’t make myself a happy face, opting instead to watch the children enjoy theirs while I merely concentrated on scooping syrup directly into my mouth with strips of bacon.


Just so we’re clear: If you see me any time in the next 4 weeks or so, the only acceptable comment regarding how I look is, “Nice hat.”


  1. Mom

    So – have they found her body yet? And, oh, what a lovely new do you are sporting. You look nothing less than splendid, truly.


  2. buffi

    If I wasn’t fearful of flying bacon and, um, cyanide laced highball glasses, I’d say something foolish like “It’s only hair. It will grow back.” Or, “I’m sure it doesn’t look nearly as bad as you think it does.”

    As it is, I am afraid of all of those things, so I will just say I am so sorry for your loss. Beret?

  3. Jenn

    Hail to the Queen, she’s the one who wears the helmet. (Oh wait, was that outloud? My bad!)

    Remember the manta: tug-pull-“it will grow back”-tug-pull-“it will gro out”. (If that fails, hats and tequila can cure any hair problem.)

  4. Lulu

    Your hair isn’t too short unless people make comments like “What a nicely shaped head you have.”

    Which is what I heard when I shaved my head out of boredom.

    I’m sure the phrenologists still can’t get a reading on you from a distance. Right? Right?

  5. DebR

    Even if you totally shaved your head and dyed yourself blue, you would still be pretty. But I’m sorry the transvestite goat hooker crack whore “stylist” did a Bad Thing to you. We spit upon her! Ptoooey!!

  6. Jules

    I have a great purple fur pimp hat I’d be happy to send you…don’t ask, it was a gift….

    And to make you feel a little better?? My hair? That I was so excited about growing back…is now falling out again…So uhm…you know…bald again. Actually that would be baldER ;)

    Massage your scalp..it encourages hair growth..I swear!

    Love ya!

  7. Jenn

    I know that “they” say it’s only hair and it will grow back, but obviously those who say that have never been traumatized by a bad hair cut. I’m sorry your haircut person was apparently smoking crack today.

  8. Sheryl

    Sorry about the bad ‘do. When the police discover her with her scissors sticking out of her, I think they’ll look the other way out of sympathy.

  9. Steve S

    Hey, it wasn’t too long ago that we raised a glass and said “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

    So we’ll raise another glass!
    “Nice hat!”

  10. Bob

    I hear turbans are popular these days.

  11. Zuska

    Oh, I feel your pain, and was instantly transported back about 5 years to the “pixie” cut I had after MegaBoy was born. I lost tons of hair after he was born and when it started to grow back, I had all these short pieces sticking up at odd angles among the long hair and my stylist said something vauge like “Maybe we can go somewhat shorter while you hair is filling in” and MY interpretation of “somwehat shorter” was vastly different than hers!!!

    I took to wearing funky earrings and more makeup.

  12. laura

    I’m sorry it’s not what you wanted, and that you hate it. But I’ll bet it totally looks HOT. You know short-haired brunettes rule.

  13. laura again

    I meant “HOTT”.

  14. Jessie

    Sorry to hear about the bad haircut. I’ve had that problem a couple of times. Once I even took in a picture of the exact hair cut I wanted and came out with a near-pixie that looked nothing like the cute short layered bob I desired. Bacon-therapy sounds like fun though. I may have to remember that for the next time something not-so-good happens (or I may have to use that today to drown my sorrows since I totaled my car this weekend).

  15. Amy-GO

    No, no, no! EMBRACE the shortness! The shorter the better! Cuts down on styling time, shampoo cost, windshear…ok, that’s going too far. But short is beautiful! And Tulip, so are you. *smooches* ;)

  16. Genuine

    Tell them it is for that new holocaust movie you’re doing.

  17. Jujubee

    Oh no you don’t. You can’t just post a huge rant about your hair and then not let us see! Besides, I’m sure you’re exaggerating. You’re pretty. And shiny.

  18. Leanne

    My many years of short hair and a history of haircuts that make people say to me, “Wow, you got your hair cut!” have generated quite the collection of baseball caps. That’s the thing with short hair, it’s either too short or needs a cut. But see, now you can wait longer before the next visit to Mistress Scissors de Sade!

  19. Leanne

    1. I find it odd that I’m commenting below someone with my name. Do you?

    2. She also has short hair.

    3. I shaved mine last week, on PURPOSE!

    4. Go look! Maybe you’ll feel better.

  20. Chookooloonks

    I always find when mine’s cut that short, just to go with an afro.

    I’m just sayin’.

  21. Jenny

    Nice hat.

    (Your features are so feminine and you have those goregeous eyes, I’m sure it will just take some getting used to and then you will love it.)

  22. Mysh

    I think MY stylist is moonlighting on the other side of the continent, because that sounds EXACTLY like something she would do to me!

    No fears Mir. You’ve got a beeyooteeful face and without all that distracting hair, everyone will be able to admire you all that much more. Honest.

    And just in case your stylist goes by the name “Angie”…tell her I said hi! :O)

    Hang in there.

  23. alice

    I had that reaction the last time my hair was cut, and then I told the Internets I was growing it out and they were all DON’T EVER GROW IT OUT.

    And now I am holding a clock to my head and I’m like, I’m doing it, bitches! Watch me!

    But now my hair’s growing out and I can’t stand it. So, you see.

    (show us a picture.)

  24. JustLinda

    Oh nooooooooooo….

    I’m so sorry. I have a recent tragic haircut experience only it involves cutting my almost-4-year-old daughter’s hair SHORT and having her cry at school because the other kids thought she was a boy.

    But… it’s all straighted out now ’cause if someone calls her a boy, she will now say “I’m Jadyn and I’m a girl and I have a BA-GINA!” HA!

    Of course you want to hear the “it grows back” lecture about as much as she did, I guess.

  25. Michele

    I’ve always had short hair, and I’ve had lots of bad cuts. There’s such a fine line between a wispy cute pixie kind of cute and a butch 60 year old lesbian look.
    My only tips are wax and/or liquid fiber and some sparkly barrettes.

  26. Shiz

    Poor Mir. I haven’t had a mortifyingly bad cut since high school. I looked like one of those Bichon Frise dogs with their hair teased out.

    Poor dear. I hope you didn’t PAY for the cut.

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