1) A child appears on the stairway after lights-out, saying, “Mama?” You…
A) Fork the sign of the cross in his general direction.
B) Shriek “GET IN BED!”
C) Pretend not to hear him.
D) Sigh heavily and answer, “Yes, honey?”
2) He continues on with, “Can I use the bathroom down here?” You…
A) Begin performing an exorcism.
B) Grab a switch and commence thrashing.
C) Pretend to be dead.
D) Raise your eyebrows and manage, “Why…?”
3) “Because I feel like I have to throw up, and the garbage can in the bathroom up here is full.” You…
A) Inform him that vomiting is exceedingly unholy.
B) Bellow, “DON’T THROW UP IN THE TRASHCAN!”
C) Go to the kitchen for some cookies.
D) Hustle the child into the bathroom at lightning speed while your own stomach hitches.
4) Small, pitiful child is now standing over the toilet coughing and gagging. You…
B) Duct tape his head to the commode so he doesn’t make a mess.
C) Take a nap.
D) Rub his back and try not to gag while you murmur soothing words.
5) After a prolonged attempt, the child produces nothing more than a small loogie–spitting it into the potty and announcing that he feels fine now. You…
A) Set him on fire.
B) Tell him you’ll show him what throwing up is.
C) Rent out his room.
D) Burst into hysterical, relieved laughter and carry him back to bed.
Who says my Saturday nights are boring?
You haven’t experienced kid vomit until you’ve had the dueling dynamos at my house gift you as follows:
Kid one, 1 am Monday morning: homemade italian meat sauce all over the toilet. The one with the lid still down, grrr.
Kid two, 9 hours later: half-hour old sushi, while on the commuter train on the way home (thanks to an accidentally-swallowed lifesaver).
Kid two still craves sushi, while kid one? Has developed an aversion to my meat sauce, heh.
Thanks for the visual, Bets. ;) I’ve done my fair share of vomit detail, believe me. I consider tonight a narrow miss!
Any toilet you can walk away from without pukage ensuing is a good one. Or something like that.
My kids deserve the “Iron Stomach Award” for being able to hold just about anything in. Much better than their dad, who once threw up on the babysitter’s porch. Just as she opened the door.
My kids remind me of that day, often.
Poor Monkey! At least he felt better and maybe you avoided the night-o-vomit. I least I hope so! I’ll check back tomorrow.
While I know D is the correct answer to all your questions, there is this little part of me that wants to play dead whenever I hear that dreaded “I have to puke” message. My stomach lurches just thinking of it.
There’s something about question 3 that worries me, something there is not quite right.
I think I vomitted enough for Monkey last night…ugh, birthdays can be a bitch! :)
Lovely options. I would have been choosing A the whole way down. Kinda like those Cosmo quizzes, where you can tell from the beginning what your score will be. “If you answered all A, you’re evil and Satan will soon claim your soul. If you answered all B, you’re just a pain in the behind and may yet be saved. . .”
I almost never vomit, and it would be impossible for me to be bulimic as sticking my finger down my throat only works if I’m already close to the great choad. I’ve had to do this when I has food poisoning and really needed my stomach to clear. Sorry about the visual.
My husband and our two sons both have stomachs that empty upward often and easily.
I have had all three of them throwing up within the same 12 hours. Beat that!
How’re those Forces of Cuteness working out for you now?
At least your kid understands that barf belongs in bathroom-oriented containers.
LOL I soooo woulda failed that test. They should give it to people before they are given their child-bearing/raising licenses…
Well, done! Well, as usual…
BAHAHAHAHA proof that Mommy bloggers can make things like childhood puke funny ;)