1) A child appears on the stairway after lights-out, saying, “Mama?” You…
A) Fork the sign of the cross in his general direction.
B) Shriek “GET IN BED!”
C) Pretend not to hear him.
D) Sigh heavily and answer, “Yes, honey?”
2) He continues on with, “Can I use the bathroom down here?” You…
A) Begin performing an exorcism.
B) Grab a switch and commence thrashing.
C) Pretend to be dead.
D) Raise your eyebrows and manage, “Why…?”
3) “Because I feel like I have to throw up, and the garbage can in the bathroom up here is full.” You…
A) Inform him that vomiting is exceedingly unholy.
B) Bellow, “DON’T THROW UP IN THE TRASHCAN!”
C) Go to the kitchen for some cookies.
D) Hustle the child into the bathroom at lightning speed while your own stomach hitches.
4) Small, pitiful child is now standing over the toilet coughing and gagging. You…
B) Duct tape his head to the commode so he doesn’t make a mess.
C) Take a nap.
D) Rub his back and try not to gag while you murmur soothing words.
5) After a prolonged attempt, the child produces nothing more than a small loogie–spitting it into the potty and announcing that he feels fine now. You…
A) Set him on fire.
B) Tell him you’ll show him what throwing up is.
C) Rent out his room.
D) Burst into hysterical, relieved laughter and carry him back to bed.
Who says my Saturday nights are boring?