Can’t breathe, clown’ll eat me

By Mir
September 29, 2005

(You have no idea how tickled I was to discover that there’s actually a Wikipedia entry on this.)

So I had this little cold, and I thought it went away. But apparently it was just resting and rebuilding and luring my asthma over to the dark side with promises of dry clothes and twinkies, or something. As of this morning I’m experiencing the delightful malaise that accompanies the sensation of one’s lungs being delicately swaddled in saran. I’m not dying (I hope), it’s only a cold, but it is unbelievably exhausting to spend an entire day feeling like you can’t get enough air.

I’m cranky. And oxygen-deprived. But I just had some Nyquil, so here’s hoping I’m asleep in about twenty minutes.

How sick are you, Mir?

Well, thank you for asking. Take this handy quiz to find out!

I am SO SICK, the UPS guy brought my new computer and I:
A) Didn’t even kiss him.
B) Left the boxes right by the door and haven’t touched them since.
C) Cried a little because I was too tired to even fondle the monitor.
D) Took a nap.
E) All of the above. Pity me.

The correct answer is, “Mir, how’s about I bring you over some homemade chicken soup and hook up your computer for you?” (It was sort of a trick quiz.)

Anyway, here’s some quick bits about the kids to distract us all from the fact that I am a big whineypants; or would be, if I could take a deep enough breath to produce a good whine.

Chickadee is about to embark upon the SECOND GRADE BIRD PROJECT. This is sort of a legend in our district; all the classes do it, and it’s the first presentation-type thing the kids do in elementary school. I have seen duck dioramas. I have seen bald eagle posters. I have seen an awful lot of projects done by the parent instead of the child, and I happen to be a firm believer in the, “Sorry, I already went to school, you’re on your own,” school of parenting. Naturally, I was curious to hear what Chickadee had in mind; mostly because I wanted to ensure that she didn’t have plans to force me into avian arts and crafts.

Me: So, what kind of project do you think you’d like to do?
Chickadee: I want to make a poster. I’ll draw stuff.
Me: That sounds great! Have you thought about what sort of bird you want to do it on?
Chickadee: I’m gonna do it on CHICKADEES!
Me: Oh! Heh!
Chickadee: Duh.

Duh, indeed.

On the other end of the spectrum, tonight at bedtime I picked up Monkey’s “teetee” (blanket) and noticed it was wet on the corner. He sometimes chews on it. And, um, EW. I’ve been trying to get him to stop. So I asked him if he’d been chewing on it (even though I knew perfectly well he had), and he launched into a long elaborate story about how sometimes when he’s sleeping he DROOLS and then teetee gets kinda WET from all the DROOL but it’s really not his fault. On account of he can’t helping DROOLING when he’s ASLEEP. He concluded with a triumphant, “I just wish I didn’t DROOL so much.”

“Me too,” I agreed–pleased he’d reached a point where I could wholeheartedly concur.

“It’s okay, Mama,” he consoled me while patting my arm, “It just makes your pillow a little wet, and you can wipe your mouth when you wake up.”

I’m sure that will be a great comfort when I wake up in the morning.


  1. Karen

    Makes me think of Anne Lamott’s book about writing, called “Bird by Bird.” Her little brother asks the dad how he could possibly even begin his huge report on birds. His dad replies, “Just take it bird by bird, son.” Read it (and everything else she ever wrote — well, nonfiction, that is) right away if you haven’t already!

  2. shannon

    Gnomes, sinus gnomes to be exact, have taken over your head. I know this because my friend PlazaJen has alerted me to their existence. They’ve taken control of my brain as well and are trying to take over the world. Don’t worry though, I won’t let them out (even though I am trying to get rid of every single one through my nose).


  3. Mija

    Sorry to hear that you are sick! :( It looks like I’ve missed some stuff… like self-employment! So, I now no longer have a good email address for you. Write me! (You might want to check out my blog while you’re at it…) ;)

  4. Jules

    I totally would have made the chicken soup, but my electric has been of for 16 hours…and also..the computer..would have jumped right on that when I brought the soup, except now there’s that clown thing..and you know I’m afraid of clowns *shudder* And now, seeing as we had the coldest night so far and I’ve spent it without heat or electric I’ve been soaking in the hot chicken noodle soup so I’m guessing you won’t want any now..but if you change your mind, I can promise there aren’t any hairs in it ;)

    Hope you feel better soon..exactly how long does one suffer with snot and the like before it becomes obvious it maybe isn’t just a cold?

    ..just a thought.

  5. Amy-GO

    I’m so sorry! Chicken soup won’t ship! Poor baby, you need someone to pet your hair and bring you juice. They ought to have a service for that…
    Around here the big project is in THIRD grade and it’s BUGS. They get to catch actual bugs, freeze them, and then MOUNT them to a BOARD with PINS. *SHUDDER* I’m SO hoping we move before next year…
    Feel Better Soon!

  6. Wisecrow

    Well, I’m an ornithologist, so if Chickadee needs help and you’re still too sick, I’m available :-)

  7. Aimee

    Here, I’ll whine for you:


    Hope you feel better — I’d bring chicken soup if it weren’t for the 3,000-or-so mile drive!

  8. Cyndi

    OHMIGAWSH! If you still lived in NorCal I would SO come put your ‘puter together for you! Ask Shari, I am just like that. Can’t stand for anyone to need anything that I can do for them…it’s a sickness. Not like the one you have right now…but still.

    And in response to Karen’s comment: My favorite story in bird by bird is why her son was swearing…I nearly peed my pants.

    Mir: Keep taking the Nyquil…rest when you can…Dayquil for when you can’t just lie around and heal. Feel better.

  9. bob

    COME ON LAZYBRITCHES. UP & AT ‘EM. Its only a little cold. You’re not sick, you’re being a wuss. A little exercise will cure that. Come on, 30 side-straddle-hops will get your blood flowing. Ready, one, two; one, two; one, two.

    like my hard-ass dad impression?

    I hope you feel better soon.

  10. Shari

    Cyndi’s right, yep yep, she would so do that for you. And while she was doing that, I would read “Bird by Bird” to you while lovingly smoothing Vicks VapoRub on your throat.

    Um. You might want to look into getting that fan club set up soon – would provide more appropriate outlets for our affections. ;)

    And Bob? You scared me. Bad. I thought my Dad had started reading blogs.

  11. Shari

    Oh! Forgot to add: I have nothing but the deepest sympathy for your breathing issues. Not being able to breathe is incredibly exhausting. This may not work for you, but during my last serious bronchitis episode, my doctor had me put two-three drops of Eucalyptus Oil in a big bowl of boiling water, and put my head over it, and a towel over my head. It actually worked when my inhaler did nothing. Just thought I’d mention it. Feel better, dear one.

  12. Cyndi

    Ooooo! Ooooo! I have one!! I saw it on TV…they have this fizzy tablet thingy you put in the shower floor when you are in there and it dissolves and makes it all nice-to-breathe for you! Sudacare or something…I saw them at Wal-Mart…but they look very nice!! I can hardly wait for my next bout of viral suffocation to hit! *eye roll*

    But, seriously…if they do what they claim they do…I am all over that bad boy next go-round.

  13. Carol

    I’m sorry, the only coherent comment I can post is “How on Earth did you know there was a Wilkpedia entry for that?”!!!

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