Okay. Turn away if you’re squeamish. Hide your children. I am about to overshare, in that very special way that I do. Because I am all about the sharing, particularly when it’s GROSS! Because I am a child. Or maybe because I’m the anti-christ. I just don’t know. What I DO know is that things got a little frightening there for a bit, and then all was made wonderful again.
First: I woke up in agony.
Then: I had pie for breakfast!
After which: Order was restored to the universe.
Perhaps I’ve left out some pertinent details. Let me get some more PIE and I will elaborate.
I jest. I’m not having any pie right now. I’ve already had two pieces today.
Also, I am repenting. I did a horrible thing today. It was an accident, but that doesn’t change the fact that I almost killed an innocent person. Truly a lesson in thinking before acting/speaking.
I’m getting ahead of myself, again. Back to the beginning!
Okay. See Mir mow. See Mir mow over yellow jackets. See yellow jackets get angry. Run, Mir, run! Ouch, Mir, ouch! You’re a dumbass, Mir, a dumbass….
(… oh, I already told you this part? Moving right along….)
So, I knew there was a possibility of what they call a “severe localized allergic reaction” because that’s what happened to me, last time. I’ve been keeping an eye on my thigh. (Hey, that rhymes!) (And would sound sort of dirty if I wasn’t watching an insect bite blow up like a balloon.) I was stung on Saturday, and by yesterday (Monday) I was starting to… well… worry. I was expecting the redness, the itchiness, the swelling, the heat. I’d conveniently forgotten the bruising (no less than four people said to me yesterday, “OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG?!?!”). I was popping advil and benadryl and icing my leg and figuring that if I could make it through the day, surely things would be better today! Hahahaha.
By yesterday evening I had learned some new information about anatomy. And I just LOVE LEARNING. I would’ve been completely fascinated by what I learned if I wasn’t so busy crying into my (second piece of) pie.
Humans have these things called lymph nodes, see? And they… uhhh… do stuff. Who knows what they do. Or why. Or how. That’s not what’s important here. What IS important is that sometimes? When you have an infection, or, say, swelling? Your lymph nodes decide to join the party and become enlarged. And by “enlarged,” I of course mean that they rapidly swell to the size of walnuts and THROB.
Do we have any medical types in the house? I received a sting–and the accompanying inflammation–on the back of my right thigh. Can any anatomy experts out there name where the closest set of lymph nodes would be to this site? Anyone? Bueller?
If you answered ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE GROIN AREA, you are very smart! Welcome to my personal hell, and please enjoy this year’s supply of turtle wax!
To review: Now in addition to the swelling and pain encompassing the entire backside of my right thigh, I was also sporting painful lumps where my right leg joins my CROTCH. Sex-aaaaaay!
I went to bed vowing to call the doctor’s office as soon as they opened.
[Sidebar: I had a hard time falling asleep with my new mouth guard, and woke up several times because of it during the night. Around 3:00 I may or may not have removed it and thrown it across the room. Which–if I had–might have really been because I was in a lot of pain and not so much because of the mouth guard, but removing my leg and hurling it out of the bed would’ve been a lot more complicated.]
This morning, I discovered that walking was… not fun. I’m afraid that I cannot recommend swollen groinal lymph nodes. I much preferred my blissful ignorance of anything nodal in that particular area. Anyway. I got the kids off to school (gingerly!) and called my doctor’s office.
Whereupon I told the nice lady on the phone that I needed to be seen for an allergic reaction to an insect sting, and she proceeded to have a minor myocardial infarction while hollering at me to CALL 911 RIGHT AWAY! And that’s how I ended up chanting “localized, LOCALIZED, LOCALIZED” until she was convinced that I was not asphyxiating on the spot. I really do feel horrible that I upset her so badly. But we had a nice giggle after it was all sorted out. Me, giggling of the “gosh, you were pretty upset” variety; her, giggling of the “I just crapped my pants and hope next time it’s full-out anaphylaxis, bitch” variety.
I hobbled in to my physician’s office, feeling every inch the Elephant Woman. The doctor was very sympathetic about my tale of not really enjoying prednisone the last time I had to take it. Instead, she prescribed something called a Medrol Pack. She assured me that the dosage was lower and the course shorter, and that I would probably tolerate it better than I had the whole “3 days of 5 pills, 3 days of 4 pills, 3 days of 3 pills, etc.” regimen of prednisone. I scratched my swollen leg and tried not to move anything that might jostle my crotch in any way and thanked her profusely and drove to the pharmacy at 85 mph.
My Medrol Pack is labelled with explicit directions for people who need to be micromanaged. My doctor had told me the same thing that the doctor last year told me–you might want to break up the higher-dosage days if you find the medication irritates your stomach. You might want to avoid taking it right before bed if you find it keeps you awake. Other than that, it’s the dosage within each 24-hour period that matters. This blister pack contains 6 days of stair-step dosages, decreasing one pill a day until you’re done. Fine.
Here’s what is written on the tinfoil of the blister pack:
1st day: Take 2 tablets before breakfast, 1 tablet after lunch and after supper, and 2 tablets at bedtime.
2nd day: Take 1 tablet before breakfast, 1 tablet after lunch and after supper, and 2 tablets at bedtime.
3rd day: Take 1 tablet before breakfast and 1 tablet after lunch, after supper, and at bedtime.
Here’s the Mir method of taking the magical pills that stop the allergic reaction that causes elephantitis:
1st day: Take all 6 pills while standing at the Target pharmacy.
2nd day: Take all 5 pills with breakfast (of pie).
3rd day: Remember sometime between lunch and bedtime to take 4 pills.
I met a friend for lunch and we had a long discussion about the logic behind the given directions. Why does it insist you take a dosage BEFORE breakfast, but all the other dosages come AFTER meals? Why does it break up the dosages as evenly as possible when physicians routinely prescribe it to be taken all in a single dose? What if you’re skipping meals; does the patient fall into hopeless confusion? Does it cause a disruption in the space-time continuum?
Ordinarily I would be happy to harp on these nonsensical inconsistencies, but thanks to my reckless disregard for the rules my swelling is already subsiding. Huzzah! Now all that remains to be seen is whether I’m actually able to SLEEP on this medication. I’m thinking that between the steroids and mouth guard, it may be kind of a long week.
Thank goodness I still have most of a pie to see me through.