The time has come, the walrus said, to realize that your desk is littered with legos and Polly Pockets and coloring book pages and trading cards….

Kidding. I’ve never met a talking walrus. Although it is true that my children tend to deposit all manner of items either on or near my computer, probably because that’s where they most often find me. I have asked them, time and time again, to please NOT leave their stuff all over my desk. I have begged, and I have pleaded. I have reminded them that the desk is for the computer, and working. I have pointed out that their accumulated toy miscellanea is leaving me precious little room for my diet coke cans, coffee mugs, water cups, and plates.

I just cannot understand why they don’t listen. Silly little kettles!

Anyway. Normally I just work around all that, but now, you see, I’ve started working on Becoming Official.

That’s right. OFFICIAL. This week I’m setting up my home office. And figuring out what all I need to do to be Officially Self Employed™. It’s much more complicated than I’d realized. But then, what isn’t? I’m not even sure that people like me should be allowed to be self-employed. I’m likely to injure myself just figuring it out, and then I’ll have to sue myself, and I bet you anything I don’t have any special coverage for that. Plus my lawyer is rotten about returning phone calls.

I’m working my way through a checklist, you see, with the goal of having most (all?) of this squared away by the end of the week. I’m organized! Well, kinda!

1) Panic. Check!

2) Clean up my desk. Do I haveta? I don’t feel like it. I can do that later.

3) Order business cards. Oooh, fun! Okay, this’ll be great. Except. Ummm. Hrm. Move this later on the list, because I haven’t figured out a bunch of other stuff, yet.

4) Figure out what to put on business cards. Yeah… see… “WILL WRITE FOR FOOD” may be just a touch too needy. Find a way to temper the desperation with professionalism.

5) How important is this fax issue? Do I really need my own fax machine? Can I get away with just using eFax? Crap, there’s different levels of service with eFax… which one do I need… how do I decide… I wonder if I have any potato chips….

6) Eat potato chips. Hey, self-employment definitely has a few perks.

7) Consider a second phone line. Gee, would it be bad to let Chickadee answer the phone if someone’s calling me about work? Would it be bad enough to merit an entire second line? I bet if I wiped the potato chip grease off my fingers I could do some research on this. Ooooh, distinctive ring for a second phone number, just $3/month. Score!

8) Consider whether using home address is a problem. Okay, let’s see. I could get a PO Box. That costs money, and requires me to get off my butt and go check it. No thanks. I guess I’d rather be stalked.

9) Drink some water. Chips are salty. I need to be in top form to give my full attention to the work at hand, you know.

10) Start files for invoices, check stubs, and business expenses. Check. Place receipt for printer ink into the proper file. Wow. I am a paragon of business savvy.

11) Back to business cards. Well, I should definitely do the free business cards thing, at least to start. I’ll get all of the info figured out soon, sure, and in the meantime I can select a design, perhaps. I want to present the right image. Grab attention, sure, but in the right way.

This one is listed amongst the “most popular.” I could be wrong, but it’s my hunch that recent events are going to make this design a whole lot less popular. Call me crazy.

I could go dramatic, yet simple. Clean. Make a real statement. A statement like, “I know how to use a computer.” Because computer literacy is such a rarity these days.

I just couldn’t decide if this one intrigues me or creeps me out. Eventually I decided that it does both. Just a shade too reminiscent of Logan’s Run for my taste, though.

Hire me! I have lots of eyeballs!

Or if you prefer, just one really BLUE eyeball!

For a good time, call Mir’s Massage Parlor….

12) Eat ice cream. It won’t help me choose a design for my business card, but I’ll be happier. And isn’t this whole thing about following my dreams? Why yes, it is.

I anticipate being nothing less than a flourishing EMPIRE by the end of the week.