I really like dogs. And I really like my friends. So I offered to keep my friends’ dogs while they go away for the weekend, on account of it’s a big furry likefest amongst people and dogs alike! And also because I smoke an awful lot of crack sometimes.
Haha! I kid. Smoking is a nasty habit. I prefer shooting up, as it keeps the surrounding air unsullied.
I’m sorry. I’m just a tad punchy right now. Perhaps because I am completely exhausted from–*time check*–two hours with the dogs. I may need to call for reinforcements before Sunday.
It all seemed so simple. Sure, I’d be happy to take your two adorable dogs! In fact, you’ve probably read about these dogs here before. Gangly Dog is still a puppy, and always! very! excited! He is sweet and loving, provided that you can get him to stop for long enough to actually interact with you in a way that doesn’t involve a zoom-by slobberfest. Fluffy Dog is a very large tribble. He ambles along, is slow and unobtrusive and quiet, and is pretty happy if you scratch his head.
Well, that’s what I thought about the dogs before they got here tonight.
Tonight, the dogs arrived and ran IN! and OUT! of the house while their owners brought in the truckful of gear that comes with them. I hovered nearby, trying to convince the dogs to stay in during the equipment transfer. Gangly Dog may have resented my keeping him in the house, or maybe he was just SO VERY EXCITED, but he immediately ran into the kitchen and peed all over the floor.
ALL over the floor. Like, “how did that much pee come out of an animal that size” kinda all over the floor.
So then I was on the floor with paper towels and Fantastik and Clorox wipes and BOTH dogs are running in and out of the kitchen and stepping in pee and cleaner and my eyes popped out of my head and landed in the cleaner and disintegrated and also I died. Except that not really, so I just had to keep wiping up the gallons and gallons of pee while barking “Gangly Dog! NO! Fluffy Dog! OUT!”
It was a great way to start things off.
So! It turned out that the owners had left some things behind, so they went back home to get them and left me with the dogs. No problem. I took them outside, on account of I was thinking I had cleaned up enough urine for the evening and didn’t want to do it again. They ran around in the yard and then Gangly Dog ran off and did not come when I called him. I pictured the owners’ return in twenty minutes, with me saying, “Well, um, he was here a minute ago….” I took Fluffy Dog inside through the back door (which was how we’d exited) and found Gangly Dog sitting on the front porch. Okay.
Back inside, the dogs ran around in circles and barked and showed no signs of settling down. So I gave them each a rawhide, hoping they’d lay down and munch for awhile. It was a study in opposites.
Fluffy Dog: Oh, a rawhide. You are very kind. I shall lay down with it and lick it a bit, inbetween crying because my owners have abandoned me. Truly, I am too sad to eat this delicious morsel. Maybe just another lick. Nope, too sad. Alas.
Gangly Dog: OH A RAWHIDE! I LOVE RAWHIDE! I SHALL TOSS IT IN THE AIR! AND BITE IT! AND TOSS IT! AND KICK IT! AND TOSS IT! AND CHASE IT! AND WOW THIS IS SO GREAT I NEED TO PEE AGAIN BUT NOT HERE, NO, THE GOOD CARPET IN THE NEXT ROOM! AHHHHHH!
Me: GANGLY DOG! No! Bad dog!
Gangly Dog: I’m… sorry. But… RAWHIDE! LOVE RAWHIDE! I TOSS IT! I… hey, this other dog has a rawhide! I TAKE IT! GIVE IT TO ME! I WANT IT–
Fluffy Dog: I am not too sad to BITE YOUR FACE OFF, MOTHERFUCKER. BACK. OFF. This is MY rawhide. But, still sad. Wah.
Gangly Dog: You are A MEAN DOG! I SHALL PEE! PEE MY DISPLEASURE, AGAIN ON THE GOOD RUG! AHHHH–
Me: GANGLY DOG! No! Bad dog!
It was going really well, dontcha think? By the time the owners returned, I had Gangly Dog in his crate and was coating my entire house in Resolve carpet cleaner. And saying things like “If the dog doesn’t stop peeing in the house, I am going to kill him before you get back, mkay?”
But it’s fine. After the second owner departure, the dogs calmed right down. They drank a gallon of water and slopped another two gallons of it all over the floor, then followed me into the family room and pestered me until my hands were numb from petting them. I told them to go lay down, which is dogspeak for “bite each others’ ears off.” Thus commenced a rousing game of Big Mouth, where both dogs tried to swallow the other one’s head whole. Eventually they tired. Fluffy Dog went back to crying unless his head was being stroked. Gangly Dog lay down but leapt up on me every time he heard a loud noise… like, say, me blinking.
I endured the fun until it seemed late enough to put them to bed. Back outside, my praise for Gangly Dog’s achievement of peeing in the YARD was SO EXCITING that he had to stop and pee again. That dog has a bladder of Guiness Book capacity, I’m telling you. Fluffy Dog merely wagged a little bit when I praised him, showing he was far too depressed to excrete even another drop, but that he appreciated my kindness in spite of my inferior, non-owner status. Once again, Gangly Dog ran off and later appeared at the front door.
It was touch and go for a minute while I tried to direct the proper dog into each cage (Gangly Dog wanted to GO! wherever I pointed, but halfway into either one he would remember “OH! I do not LIKE being crated!” and back out again), but finally they were each settled. I turned out the lights and came upstairs.
Okay, so… tomorrow, the kids will get in on the fun.