Making the kids look easy

By Mir
August 25, 2005

I really like dogs. And I really like my friends. So I offered to keep my friends’ dogs while they go away for the weekend, on account of it’s a big furry likefest amongst people and dogs alike! And also because I smoke an awful lot of crack sometimes.

Haha! I kid. Smoking is a nasty habit. I prefer shooting up, as it keeps the surrounding air unsullied.

I’m sorry. I’m just a tad punchy right now. Perhaps because I am completely exhausted from–*time check*–two hours with the dogs. I may need to call for reinforcements before Sunday.

It all seemed so simple. Sure, I’d be happy to take your two adorable dogs! In fact, you’ve probably read about these dogs here before. Gangly Dog is still a puppy, and always! very! excited! He is sweet and loving, provided that you can get him to stop for long enough to actually interact with you in a way that doesn’t involve a zoom-by slobberfest. Fluffy Dog is a very large tribble. He ambles along, is slow and unobtrusive and quiet, and is pretty happy if you scratch his head.

Well, that’s what I thought about the dogs before they got here tonight.

Tonight, the dogs arrived and ran IN! and OUT! of the house while their owners brought in the truckful of gear that comes with them. I hovered nearby, trying to convince the dogs to stay in during the equipment transfer. Gangly Dog may have resented my keeping him in the house, or maybe he was just SO VERY EXCITED, but he immediately ran into the kitchen and peed all over the floor.

ALL over the floor. Like, “how did that much pee come out of an animal that size” kinda all over the floor.

So then I was on the floor with paper towels and Fantastik and Clorox wipes and BOTH dogs are running in and out of the kitchen and stepping in pee and cleaner and my eyes popped out of my head and landed in the cleaner and disintegrated and also I died. Except that not really, so I just had to keep wiping up the gallons and gallons of pee while barking “Gangly Dog! NO! Fluffy Dog! OUT!”

It was a great way to start things off.

So! It turned out that the owners had left some things behind, so they went back home to get them and left me with the dogs. No problem. I took them outside, on account of I was thinking I had cleaned up enough urine for the evening and didn’t want to do it again. They ran around in the yard and then Gangly Dog ran off and did not come when I called him. I pictured the owners’ return in twenty minutes, with me saying, “Well, um, he was here a minute ago….” I took Fluffy Dog inside through the back door (which was how we’d exited) and found Gangly Dog sitting on the front porch. Okay.

Back inside, the dogs ran around in circles and barked and showed no signs of settling down. So I gave them each a rawhide, hoping they’d lay down and munch for awhile. It was a study in opposites.

Fluffy Dog: Oh, a rawhide. You are very kind. I shall lay down with it and lick it a bit, inbetween crying because my owners have abandoned me. Truly, I am too sad to eat this delicious morsel. Maybe just another lick. Nope, too sad. Alas.


Me: GANGLY DOG! No! Bad dog!

Gangly Dog: I’m… sorry. But… RAWHIDE! LOVE RAWHIDE! I TOSS IT! I… hey, this other dog has a rawhide! I TAKE IT! GIVE IT TO ME! I WANT IT–

Fluffy Dog: I am not too sad to BITE YOUR FACE OFF, MOTHERFUCKER. BACK. OFF. This is MY rawhide. But, still sad. Wah.


Me: GANGLY DOG! No! Bad dog!

It was going really well, dontcha think? By the time the owners returned, I had Gangly Dog in his crate and was coating my entire house in Resolve carpet cleaner. And saying things like “If the dog doesn’t stop peeing in the house, I am going to kill him before you get back, mkay?”

But it’s fine. After the second owner departure, the dogs calmed right down. They drank a gallon of water and slopped another two gallons of it all over the floor, then followed me into the family room and pestered me until my hands were numb from petting them. I told them to go lay down, which is dogspeak for “bite each others’ ears off.” Thus commenced a rousing game of Big Mouth, where both dogs tried to swallow the other one’s head whole. Eventually they tired. Fluffy Dog went back to crying unless his head was being stroked. Gangly Dog lay down but leapt up on me every time he heard a loud noise… like, say, me blinking.

I endured the fun until it seemed late enough to put them to bed. Back outside, my praise for Gangly Dog’s achievement of peeing in the YARD was SO EXCITING that he had to stop and pee again. That dog has a bladder of Guiness Book capacity, I’m telling you. Fluffy Dog merely wagged a little bit when I praised him, showing he was far too depressed to excrete even another drop, but that he appreciated my kindness in spite of my inferior, non-owner status. Once again, Gangly Dog ran off and later appeared at the front door.

It was touch and go for a minute while I tried to direct the proper dog into each cage (Gangly Dog wanted to GO! wherever I pointed, but halfway into either one he would remember “OH! I do not LIKE being crated!” and back out again), but finally they were each settled. I turned out the lights and came upstairs.

Okay, so… tomorrow, the kids will get in on the fun.

Hold me.


  1. wendy

    I am laughing so hard I am crying…

    Seriously. Tears are streaming down my face. Still. As I type. And I keep remembering little tidbits and giggling some more.

  2. Shari

    Oh gawd… me too, with the laughing and crying… Mir, I don’t know how you do it… your descriptions are such that I see everything exactly as it must have played out, and it slays me. Thank you so much for the laugh; boy I needed it tonight. Good luck with them dawgs, sweetie.

  3. Meg

    You are too fucking funny!!

  4. Chickie

    I love the conversation that you and the dogs had about the rawhide bones.

    And I didn’t realize the game where the dogs try to put each others heads in their mouths was called Big Mouth. Glad to know it. Now I have a name for it instead of “hey, look! the dogs are pretending to eat each other!”

  5. Takhara

    You are far braver than I. I am afraid they’d spend the weekend crated. hehe

  6. Leanne

    There’s some sort of calculus problem I remember that detailed out the sheer mass quantities that a dog can pee. There are two versions of course, one for each sized hound.

    Also, there’s a number “2” factored into each equation at some point… I wish I could remember it off the top of my head. It appears sporadically when you’d least expect it.

    I’ll see if I can find my old textbooks and send it over.

  7. Kathy

    That was the funniest thing I’ve read all week! You know, this just may qualify you for a sainthood. You should check into that! Have a lovely weekend.

  8. Amy

    I laughed so hard over this that I peed all over my floor! Gah! No, Amy! Bad Amy! Good Mir. Nice Mir. *Petpet* Hope you survive!

  9. The Other Dawn

    And you doubt your abilities as a writer??? That was too funny!

    A possible theme song for your doggie visit. (with apologies to “Rawhide” and “City Slickers”)

    Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’,
    Keep those doggies rollin’,
    Man, his bladder’s swollen,

    Get ’em out! Make ’em pee! Crate ’em up! Got to sleep…

  10. chris

    we have only ONE guest dog (in addition to the one who lives here)until sunday and it’s obvious that you’re having TWICE as much fun as we are! this too shall pass!

  11. Northern_Girl

    Too funny – really. I may get into trouble, sitting here laughing uncontrollably when I should be working. I can’t read your blog anymore – it is too funny. (Just kidding – I’m addicted and get a little edgy if you don’t post.)

  12. emily

    I feel for you.We had a five year old teacup poodle.She’s really,really docile and never gets excited about anything.We felt we were doing so well with her,that when my middle child begged and pleaded for her own puppy,we gave in.Enter…Demon Dog.He chews sight.He pees every.damn.where.
    I plead insanity.

  13. Jules

    Boy Mir I think its going to be a LONG weekend. LOL

    The description reminds me of the 2 dogs from “Homeward Bound”.

    Good luck!!

  14. Angela

    You. Slay. Me.

  15. Angela

    You. Slay. Me. gasp…snort….*wipes eyes*

  16. Angela

    For a THIRD time….honk…You. SLAY. Me.

    Egads that was TOO funny!

  17. itsybitsyteenyweeny

    OK, I can lurk no longer! This was REALLY funny and I’m sorry.

    I do have one piece of advice though, get thee to a PetsMart or some other pet type store and buy yourself a gallon of “Nature’s Miracle.” It’s the ONLY cleaner to use for dog pee on carpets IMNSHO.

    If you use anything that has even trace ammounts of ammonia in it, the dog may re-mark his spot. Apparently, ammonia smells just like a strange dog’s pee to dogs. And even dogs who have just dumped gallons of pee can squeeze out a few extra drops to cover the offending odor.

    Best of luck to you!

  18. bob

    See – I told you that you needed a dog!

    You have to look at this as an opportunity. Do you have anything that needs to be dyed yellow? Take advantage of the situation.

    I can’t wait to hear how the weekend goes.

  19. Colleen

    LOL…this is your best entry yet. I hope you’re getting some compensation out of this, or at the very least, some serious good deed points. I know puppies, especially LAB puppies (You did say the puppy was some type of lab or lab mix, right?) are a lot of work.

    Have you thought of buying puppy pads to place around the house?

  20. ben


    What did I say?

    You so need a dog. They liven things up a bit.

    Have fun!

  21. Jessica

    I was going to say I laughed so hard I’m crying but Wendy already said it! Hands down – that’s the funniest thing I have read all week and I’ve read Faster Than Kudzu (and you know how funny she is).

    Hang in there!

  22. Leanne

    Welcome to my world.

  23. windylou

    I house sit for a dog that likes to lick. and lick. and lick. He licks my face and my feet the floor and the lamps and the sofa and the ottoman and the chair. Then he licks his hind-end and then my arm and then the other dogs’ ears. You get the picture. The puppy kisses were really sweet at first but now I think I would rather clean pee!

  24. Robin

    ROFLMAO! That was hilarious!

    Poor puppies, and poor you! We have rawhide wars over here too.

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