Now that I’ve gotten the minutiae out into the open, I think I may be ready to handle some of the bigger stuff. Here I am, about to do what I do–which is, apparently, overshare, without enough censoring. If you’d like to play your part, after I do so you will stomp on my heart and tell me it’s my fault for being too honest!
Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Also, now I have this whole new strategy where the heart-stomping won’t happen any more, on account of I no longer give a damn. That comes later, too, but I’m very proud of my new outlook. You’ll see.
But to start: Hi, my name is Mir, and I confess that I have terrible taste in men.
Woooooooo I feel better already. Confession really IS good for the soul!
Some of you correctly deduced, long before I officially introduced him here on the site, that I had A Man in my life. Well, I did (past tense) and it was (also past tense) good; right up until it wasn’t.
I was–owing to recent experiences–a little skittish when it came to matters of the heart. And by skittish, I mean terrified. I wanted to take things very slowly. VERY slowly. I was slow to trust, slow to hope, and all along The Man said all the right things and convinced me that everything was wonderful and eventually, I believed him. I gave in. Joyfully.
And then he dumped me. In an email. Haha! Sucks to be me, sometimes.
So, I wasn’t going to write about this. First of all, it hurt too much. I will freely admit that I was well and fully duped; I had fallen hook, line and sinker. I was considering huge sacrifices in order to Make It Work and thinking about him roughly 23.5 hours out of every 24 and thought I’d found The One. I mean, really… how embarrassing. I’m not usually that stupid.
Also, there was the whole matter of respecting his privacy and feelings and whatnot. But then I realized that was sort of silly. I mean, wait… let me gather up all the respect that he was kind enough to show me… gimme a sec. Okay, here it is! What do you MEAN you can’t see it? It’s right here, on the head of this pin! (I slay me.) Plus I had this very silly notion about not letting other folks be privy to how I was feeling, but hey, it turns out that everyone except ME knew how HE was feeling. Yeah. Again; embarrassing.
Then I realized that every experience is a learning opportunity. Even the sucky ones. Maybe ESPECIALLY the sucky ones. So here’s what I learned from this, and again, I am just all about the sharing. Lucky you!
1) I have lousy taste in men. (I knew that already, I think.)
2) I give too much of myself; too much of my time, my energy, and even my money. I’m left feeling extremely ripped off, and you know what? I have no one to blame for that except myself. Lesson learned.
3) A person who asks and asks of me and says “but I don’t know how I give in a way that makes this more equal” is a person who will take until I have nothing left, and run off the first time I dare to ask in return.
4) A man who makes a big deal out of “being a gentleman” is wrestling with the knowledge that deep down, he is a weasel.
5) A man who is suspicious of therapy and insists that your therapist will tell you to dump him is not endearingly insecure, he is aware that deep down, he is a weasel.
6) A person who really loves you knows how to work things out, talk TO you instead of to his friends ABOUT you, and apologize (even if just for hurting feelings). And isn’t a cowardly weasel. (Oops, did I say that last part out loud? Silly me!)
See? I am so much wiser already.
They say the true test of wisdom is whether you’re able to modify your behavior based upon new information. And I am quite pleased to report that after a few weeks of feeling sad and rejected and just plain stupid, I have been able to do just that. It’s a thing of beauty, really. I feel that I am going to be much happier in the future, thanks to the way this fabulous LEARNING EXPERIENCE has shaped my outlook, moving forward.
I feel confident that my next relationship will fare far better, because I’ve figured out how to make it happen. Here are my new rules for dating:
1) Potential boyfriends must provide no less than two references from past relationships for a background check. Having a lot of female friends does NOT count, because often the most egregious offenders manage to maintain their “so great” status by convincing all of the taken females around them that they can walk on water. I get a minimum of an hour each with two past lovers, and if I don’t like what they have to say, I’ll pass.
2) Potential boyfriends must be drop-dead gorgeous. I’ll admit, I probably will have to start wearing make-up and dressing a little better to merit this one. But it’s imperative. No more of this “what matters is what’s on the INSIDE” garbage. Say it with me, girls: What’s on the inside is most likely… a weasel. Might as well come in a pretty package.
3) Potential boyfriends must sign a contract accepting the following:
A) I have children.
B) You will not say that’s no problem, today, and later change your mind.
C) You will not later blame your cowardice on your assessment of what is right for my children.
D) I am a passionate and, yes, somewhat melodramatic person, which you will love when it works in your favor and CONTINUE TO TOLERATE when it doesn’t. No acting surprised and claiming “Oh, I cannot possibly handle THIS” the first time you taste my ire.
E) If I love you, there is little I won’t do for you. You will not abuse that privilege.
4) Potential boyfriends must be dogmen.
5) Potential boyfriends must be loaded. I’m talking filthy, filthy rich. Gobs o’ cash. That they want to spend on ME. I’ve never had the pleasure, but I suspect that having lots of pretty sparkly things may assuage my pain, should I find myself dumped out of the blue, again. Plus, I will not feel compelled to spend my own money, which is always a plus.
Applications to be my next man will come FLOODING in and I shall be INUNDATED with the difficult task of choosing from amongst thousands, surely. But in the meantime, I shall enjoy focusing on myself for a while, and patting myself on the back for my brilliant divination of these foolproof rules. I am SO SET for the next time!
And being able to share it all with you makes it even better. I’m so glad we can have these little heart-to-hearts. Wanna cuddle? Oh, ummm… did you submit your application yet? No? Nevermind.
And I’m not even DONE! Tune in tomorrow for the final confession!
What about a penis?
…or will a small hammer do?
Oh Mir, de-lurking to say how amazingly brave you are for sharing all this–and how you manage to do so and still be such a witty writer is a true testament to your talent. Here’s hoping you find someone who meets AND exceeds every requirement–you deserve no less.
A weasel if ever I heard of one. Where is he? I’ll kill him! Damn weasel!
Ach, Jules, you beat me to it :-) I started filling out the application form, but realized I’d never pass tests 4 or 5. Sigh.
I am so sorry, Mir :(
I’m so sorry this jerk stomped on your heart. I’m convinced that the right man for a woman is probably the one we’re not attracted to.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with such weasel! Sounds like you learned some lessons, but, like you said, it’s actually applying the lessons that count. You deserve a wonderful man who will treat you and your children with respect and love. I hope you find him someday.
Some jerk hurt my Mir? My funny, loving and comforting internet friend? Grab the torches ladies- we’ve got a weasel to hunt!
I’m glad he’s gone! That weasle was standing in the way of your Prince Charming! You couldn’t meet your Mr. Right with that weasle on your arm.
Think of it this way….what if the man of your dreams was just four weasles away? Well, now he’s just three weasles away!
Ummm, I think like we date the same guy, or who came from the same family. He sounds a lot like the a&#hole I wasted 2-1/2 years of m life with! Ugh.
But don’t give up hope my dear fellower blogger…for that relationship was not a total waste…I indeed learned my lesson for I learned what I DIDN’T want and knew how to spot a weasel a mile away. I am now happily married to a prince charming and I don’t think I would have found my prince charming had I not kissed a few toads along the way.
Think of it this way….what if the man of your dreams was just four weasles away? Well, now he’s just three weasles away!
Actually…if we’re counting…that means you should be in the home stretch ;)
So sorry you were…hurt hope you find your dream man…you deserve all those qualities and more
I’ve heard that if you stick a wad of hubba bubba chewing gum down in the ground, you can kill a weasel because they eat it and choke to death.
Wait. I think that might be for moles?
Either way, want a piece of gum?
This guy sounds like he is an official “shitweasel”. Much worse than the regular weasel variety. These kind steal more eggs than they can eat and they stink.
What a toad. At least you found out before giving him any more of your effort.
Okay so this one is the “I have terrible taste in men and every man I ever meet from this day forward will gobble up my heart and since this continues to happen then I must be unworthy of love and if I’m unworthy of love then I’m probably not a good Mom either, and you know what the house isn’t exactly perfect and I had ice cream for breakfast this morning so that confirms it, my life sucks and I suck” post.
Try and follow along here…How a person (particularly a man) who is involved in a romantic relationship with you treats you has absolutely no bearing on who you are, who you will become, or your relative self-worth. Guys can be, and usually are, ass holes, particularly when it comes to our rather sad and miserable attempts at conducting adult-level, loving, intimate life-bonds with females.
Granted, it doesn’t help if you choose poorly, don’t see the warning signs, or refuse to see what is obvious to everyone else; but it does not sound like this is the case in this instance. It sounds like this guy said all the right things, and initially did all the right things.
You got fooled, taken, or he simply changed, or was never what he made himself out to be. Weasel, jackass…yes. But here’s the thing. *Key Point forthcoming*
He has to live with himself for the rest of his life. You don’t.
I know it’s hard to see at this juncture, but you’re getting out while the getting is good. He dumped you? IDIOT. He just dropped another 500 years in the evolutionary scheme of things.
My point is this: Mir, you are sharp, sweet, dramatic, passionate, loving, giving, complex, aggravating, hilarious, and one hell of a Mom (and I’m probably just scratching the surface). You have two healthy, wise and wonderful children, a roof over your head and your whole life ahead of you. Don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy in the realm of love. Don’t let the past rule what happens in the future. Use the weasels as a guide. Be brash and upfront and say on your next day (yes there will be a next date foolish girl) I have dated a weasel or two in my time and I’m no longer interested in such diversions. You better have some character or this is going to be a short friggin’ date. Give him your list. Show your cards, whatever. But always believe that you deserve the very best. And one day the very best will come to you.
*raising hand* I, too, had terrible taste in men. I won’t say what number marriage I’m on, but I have been called a “serial-wife”. (Hey, it’s not my fault I was proposed to alot!)
I’m finally in a semi-successful relationship (won’t tempt fate by calling it great) but this is what I’ve learned by my past failures and my final somewhat success… The perfect man does not exist. Many men will treat you however you let them. You have to expect a level of treatment and not accept anything less. You have to know what you want, and let it be known what you want (they aren’t mindreaders.) My relationship with hubby hasn’t been a bed of roses. We flirted with divorce and I left him a few times. Then we went to marriage counseling. We learned how to fight right and when to say “time out”. I fought hard for this relationship, and it is that much more precious to me. I’m alittle more confident in it because I earned it. So my points are:
1. decide what you want
2. accept nothing less
3. anything worth having is worth fighting for. Don’t expect perfect. It’ll never happen.
I hope 2 and 3 don’t contradict each other. There’s a difference between someone doing you wrong, and someone inevitably dissappointing you somehow.
There is hope.
Hear! Hear! With the man rules. They can be such asshats. And you need – we ALL need – a non-asshat guy.
Oh, honey. I want to pet your hair and make you margaritas. What a chump! I wish I lived near you…we could get drunk and go roll his house.
I like the application idea! Add this…all applicants who pass your initial screening process must then submit to lengthy interviews with People Who Love You. Potential weasels would surely be weeded out!
Hang in there!