Now that I’ve gotten the minutiae out into the open, I think I may be ready to handle some of the bigger stuff. Here I am, about to do what I do–which is, apparently, overshare, without enough censoring. If you’d like to play your part, after I do so you will stomp on my heart and tell me it’s my fault for being too honest!
Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Also, now I have this whole new strategy where the heart-stomping won’t happen any more, on account of I no longer give a damn. That comes later, too, but I’m very proud of my new outlook. You’ll see.
But to start: Hi, my name is Mir, and I confess that I have terrible taste in men.
Woooooooo I feel better already. Confession really IS good for the soul!
Some of you correctly deduced, long before I officially introduced him here on the site, that I had A Man in my life. Well, I did (past tense) and it was (also past tense) good; right up until it wasn’t.
I was–owing to recent experiences–a little skittish when it came to matters of the heart. And by skittish, I mean terrified. I wanted to take things very slowly. VERY slowly. I was slow to trust, slow to hope, and all along The Man said all the right things and convinced me that everything was wonderful and eventually, I believed him. I gave in. Joyfully.
And then he dumped me. In an email. Haha! Sucks to be me, sometimes.
So, I wasn’t going to write about this. First of all, it hurt too much. I will freely admit that I was well and fully duped; I had fallen hook, line and sinker. I was considering huge sacrifices in order to Make It Work and thinking about him roughly 23.5 hours out of every 24 and thought I’d found The One. I mean, really… how embarrassing. I’m not usually that stupid.
Also, there was the whole matter of respecting his privacy and feelings and whatnot. But then I realized that was sort of silly. I mean, wait… let me gather up all the respect that he was kind enough to show me… gimme a sec. Okay, here it is! What do you MEAN you can’t see it? It’s right here, on the head of this pin! (I slay me.) Plus I had this very silly notion about not letting other folks be privy to how I was feeling, but hey, it turns out that everyone except ME knew how HE was feeling. Yeah. Again; embarrassing.
Then I realized that every experience is a learning opportunity. Even the sucky ones. Maybe ESPECIALLY the sucky ones. So here’s what I learned from this, and again, I am just all about the sharing. Lucky you!
1) I have lousy taste in men. (I knew that already, I think.)
2) I give too much of myself; too much of my time, my energy, and even my money. I’m left feeling extremely ripped off, and you know what? I have no one to blame for that except myself. Lesson learned.
3) A person who asks and asks of me and says “but I don’t know how I give in a way that makes this more equal” is a person who will take until I have nothing left, and run off the first time I dare to ask in return.
4) A man who makes a big deal out of “being a gentleman” is wrestling with the knowledge that deep down, he is a weasel.
5) A man who is suspicious of therapy and insists that your therapist will tell you to dump him is not endearingly insecure, he is aware that deep down, he is a weasel.
6) A person who really loves you knows how to work things out, talk TO you instead of to his friends ABOUT you, and apologize (even if just for hurting feelings). And isn’t a cowardly weasel. (Oops, did I say that last part out loud? Silly me!)
See? I am so much wiser already.
They say the true test of wisdom is whether you’re able to modify your behavior based upon new information. And I am quite pleased to report that after a few weeks of feeling sad and rejected and just plain stupid, I have been able to do just that. It’s a thing of beauty, really. I feel that I am going to be much happier in the future, thanks to the way this fabulous LEARNING EXPERIENCE has shaped my outlook, moving forward.
I feel confident that my next relationship will fare far better, because I’ve figured out how to make it happen. Here are my new rules for dating:
1) Potential boyfriends must provide no less than two references from past relationships for a background check. Having a lot of female friends does NOT count, because often the most egregious offenders manage to maintain their “so great” status by convincing all of the taken females around them that they can walk on water. I get a minimum of an hour each with two past lovers, and if I don’t like what they have to say, I’ll pass.
2) Potential boyfriends must be drop-dead gorgeous. I’ll admit, I probably will have to start wearing make-up and dressing a little better to merit this one. But it’s imperative. No more of this “what matters is what’s on the INSIDE” garbage. Say it with me, girls: What’s on the inside is most likely… a weasel. Might as well come in a pretty package.
3) Potential boyfriends must sign a contract accepting the following:
A) I have children.
B) You will not say that’s no problem, today, and later change your mind.
C) You will not later blame your cowardice on your assessment of what is right for my children.
D) I am a passionate and, yes, somewhat melodramatic person, which you will love when it works in your favor and CONTINUE TO TOLERATE when it doesn’t. No acting surprised and claiming “Oh, I cannot possibly handle THIS” the first time you taste my ire.
E) If I love you, there is little I won’t do for you. You will not abuse that privilege.
4) Potential boyfriends must be dogmen.
5) Potential boyfriends must be loaded. I’m talking filthy, filthy rich. Gobs o’ cash. That they want to spend on ME. I’ve never had the pleasure, but I suspect that having lots of pretty sparkly things may assuage my pain, should I find myself dumped out of the blue, again. Plus, I will not feel compelled to spend my own money, which is always a plus.
Applications to be my next man will come FLOODING in and I shall be INUNDATED with the difficult task of choosing from amongst thousands, surely. But in the meantime, I shall enjoy focusing on myself for a while, and patting myself on the back for my brilliant divination of these foolproof rules. I am SO SET for the next time!
And being able to share it all with you makes it even better. I’m so glad we can have these little heart-to-hearts. Wanna cuddle? Oh, ummm… did you submit your application yet? No? Nevermind.
And I’m not even DONE! Tune in tomorrow for the final confession!