I’ve realized over the course of the last few weeks that there are a number of things I want to get off my chest. And you know, for SOME reason my therapist refuses to meet with me every single day. And so I turn to you, dear Internet, for my absolution needs. I think that’s fair.
What you need to understand about me is that I have perfected the art of guilt. Consider me a trifecta of self-condemnation: I’m female (lord knows there was never a man who felt badly about anything that didn’t result in physical pain), I was raised Jewish (need I say more?), and I’m a mother (two kids = four times the guilt!).
The end result is that some of the things I feel badly about are bona fide issues, and others are not. But they ALL contribute to the ulcer I’m nurturing.
Tonight I give you… the quick run-down of minor issues that currently plague me. Please try to contain your enthusiasm as I deepen and strengthen our relationship with my openness.
* I have not vacuumed in several weeks.
* After miscalculating the timing of sending something to a friend, I had to ruin the surprise entirely and fill her in, due to MY blunder.
* Due to my own insomnia and fatigue, I have allowed Monkey to sleep in pull-ups this week because I didn’t want to deal with possibly changing sheets in the middle of the night.
* I’ve switched to buying organic milk for the children, but am now only giving them half as much, to offset the price.
* And I’m agonizing over whether to let Chickadee buy hormone-laden milk at school.
* Nor am I unaware of the irony of insisting on organic milk to accompany neon-colored pop-tarts.
* I am often jealous of people I love.
* I had ice cream for breakfast today.
* I was irrationally angry when Yahoo! customer care informed me that there is currently no way to remove yourself from someone’s contact list once you’ve granted permission.
* Rather than wash beach towels every single day this week, twice I let the kids take sandy and muddy towels to camp a second day.
* (I’m still working on prepping myself to confess slightly more important stuff….)
* My ass still hurts. Why do I feel guilty about that? Oh wait… that’s not guilt, that’s just pain. Hard for me to distinguish the two, sometimes.
* I am dying to know who is reading me from playboy.com. Is it someone who works at the magazine? A bunny living in the mansion? Heff?? Show yourself, torturer! (Now I feel guilty for outing you, but geez.)
I hear you about the poptarts and organic milk.
I fed my one year old a kit kat for lunch today. But felt all guitly for not watering down her apple juice at dinner – there is SO much sugar in apple juice, doncha know….
I have someone from the Dept of Defense in DC who reads me often. I find it disturbing. Should’t they be busy, you know, defending me??
Honey, you’re a MOM. Guilt is the curse of motherhood. (I **think** I came up with that quote on my own, but feel free to steal it.) Seriously, I agonize over stupid stuff all the time. Stop by tomorrow, I’ll have a confessional of my own.
Whatcha writing that Heff is reading?
I have some one from New York Mental Health that reads mine. It really has me unnerved.
Love the confessions, I can totally relate! This is my first visit to your blog and I really enjoyed it.
It’s me. I’m a Playboy bunny.
(Can’t even type it with a straight face.)
I love your sense of humor. You write with an ease that I envy, and I come back to read your blog daily.
Sorry bout that contact list thing, hon :)
And I guess it might have been me that told my great-uncle Hugh (by marriage) about your blog. He has such a hard time sleeping sometimes….
Let’s see…I haven’t vaccuumed in several weeks either and I eat M&Ms or chocolate cake for breakfast sometimes. I’m also jealous of the people I love.
I think that at some point everyone is jealous of someone they care about…that’s normal. I don’t think there are necessarily negative emotions…it’s how you act upon the emotions that deems it good or bad.
Perhaps it’s the Advice Bunny.
You know…if you block them, then delete them from your list and/or select the option to always show off line to them, they can’t see you and you don’t have to see them again…amen :)
Going through Flying Piggies Blogroll, found yours there. I can see why she reads you, great sense of humor!
Will blogroll you myself! (That always sounds so bad – like something that would happen to a drunk in a city park late at night LOL)
If you were raised jewish, then you would know that jewish mothers dont FEEL guilt, they IMPART it.
As for the rest,
Do 5 acts of contrition, say 10 hail marys and put an extra 10% in the collection plate.
[making the Sign of the Cross:] Deinde, ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.
Miriam, I am very sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed by the confluence of so many things. As someone that has been hiding under a rock for various reasons myself for some time now, I thought I might stop by and root around in your garden for awhile.
As I read your confession, I see things that can be fixed, things that should be accepted, and things that you can work on with help from those that love you. I’m also going to learn as I go…
First what are the reasons for buying organic milk for the kids? Is it the hormones alone? If the cost is cutting down the volume you are feeding them, are there other easy sources of vitamin D and calcium that you can give them to augment, like fortified orange juice?
Things to accept: your heritage that has taught you to deal with things responsibly by imbuing everything with a patina of guilt. You cannot change how you were brought up, or the mechanisms by which you go about living your life, but you can *recognize* this part of your nature, learn to minimize the sillier side of it, or should I say the parts that are overboard (like obviously your kids are awesome, and due in large part to you (and the guilt of course, but lets not go there) so feeling guilty about every little thing concerning them borders on the masochistic – like making them line up their shoes at the front door every single time they come inside (wait that’s me…) – I’m trying to say, like letting their rooms be messy sometimes, give yourself a guilt pass sometimes). But you can change how you instill (or don’t instill) guilt in your kids as they grow up. You could concentrate on not doing certain things the way your Mom did, to free them from this cycle. This process might also teach you about your own guilt and how it works on you.
Let’s look at the first one: vacuuming. Okay, today is Monday. Go out and get your shopping done, throw the laundry in the machine, turn on the TV to VH1 or the stereo up VERY LOUD to something good and just crank that sucker up. Vacuum everything really well. Do a bang up job. Get the kids to help with little things, or moving the furniture or dusting the baseboards – make it a team effort. Then when it all looks damn good, reward yourselves with ice cream, or chocolate, something fun.
The Yahoo thing is easy:
1. create a new identity
2. invite all the people on your current list
3. anyone not invited will not know who you are, thus old ‘friends’ will no longer be able to see you
4. never check the old one again
And finally beach towels. Run them at night when you’re asleep. If you get up to pee in the middle of the night, switch em over to the dryer; if not do it first thing in the morning.
Okay, moving on to the next confessional.
But there is NEVER a need to feel guilty for eating ice cream for breakfast.
What’s a vaccuum?
You mean we’re supposed to vacume more than once a month?Oh.Damn,I thought I was at least getting THAT right.lol