Today was quite a lovely day for having a 34th birthday. (Thirty-FOUR, people. Why do you all want to make me older? Is it the grey? Sheesh.) After several days of storms, today was sunny and temperate. I ate my body weight in mexican food for lunch. The children produced adorable gifts for me, even while ratting out Daddy for taking them shopping YESTERDAY. (Dude, seriously. Your next wife is not gonna go for that crap. You had them with you for NINE DAYS STRAIGHT and you had another adult there to help you. Where in the bible does it state that thou shalt not shop more than 24 hours in advance?)

My parents sent me funny cards with money in them. I love money! I mean, um, I love funny cards! And the friend who took me to lunch gave me a gift certificate for a store that doesn’t sell anything useful, because she is a genius. (True story: Another friend gave me a gift card to Target one time, and I used it to buy stuff for the kids. I am not so good with the whole “spoil myself” thing, sometimes.)

And people called, and emails came, and comments were left (thank you!) (you’re pretty!!), and insomuch as it’s possible for me to feel warm and fuzzy these days–which, granted, is not all that much because I’m working on that whole “dead inside” schtick–today was pretty good.

But wait–there’s MORE!

You ALSO GET a year’s supply of turtle wax!

Call RIGHT NOW and get TWICE as much Super Ultra Oxi Fizzy Orangey Sparkle Mixture Solution Cleaner for the SAME LOW PRICE!

Wait. No. Sorry, that was something else. I’m just so excited.

Okay, the ACTUAL thing I wanted to talk about is that sometimes, the very best gifts are the ones that cost nothing, can’t be wrapped up in a box, and come from the heart. Sometimes our loved ones give us exactly what we need, precisely when we need it, and it means more than any object we were so sure we “needed.”

Tonight, I was talking with a friend, and while discussing the various challenges life is presenting us right now, she shared with me something that has helped her to gain clarity in her life. I was skeptical, because I’m always skeptical; but in time, I came around to agreement with her.

What did she tell me?

I give up. From now on, I’m only going to listen to the advice bunny. Or possibly the advice duck, because he often gives even better advice.

I know; it sounds… silly. But we tested it out in a most scientific manner, and have to conclude that this path of animal wisdom is indeed The Way and The Light. Two inquiries in particular made this crystal clear.

First: My friend asked the advice bunny if the whore for whom her fiance left her would give him a venereal disease. This is a loaded question, and the bunny responded with “How am I supposed to know? I’m just a fuzzy little bunny.” He recommended she consult with the advice duck, who followed up with “Hmmmmm…. That’s a tough one. To be honest, I don’t know either. It looks like you are going to have to consult….. the advice platypus!”

By that point I was too intent on seeking my own fortune to find out what the platypus had to say. But you have to admit, those are plausible responses.

Second: Spurred on by this obvious display of sensibility, I asked the bunny if I would ever meet a normal man. The bunny answered, “No. Absolutely positively not.” Oh. I was a tad miffed by that. So I decided the bunny was a big meanie and I’d see what the duck had to say. But the duck said, “The bunny didn’t leave much room for any other possibility. I’m going to go with him on this one.”

Well. There you have it. Two questions; one, difficult to know for sure unless you know a doctor willing to disregard HIPAA regulations (although I am all for wishing making it so…), and the other, the answer depressing but obvious (and none of that sugar-coating that some people insist upon).

I’ll be taking all major life decisions to the animals from here on out. And the resolution to do so has put a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I feel that my load has lightened. And I have my friend to thank, for showing me the way! She, too, is realizing the benefits of this new enlightenment:

God, I’m taking advice from a DUCK. Kill me.

Yep. I have a feeling that all will be revealed VERY SOON.