Indispensable guidance

By Mir
August 17, 2005

Today was quite a lovely day for having a 34th birthday. (Thirty-FOUR, people. Why do you all want to make me older? Is it the grey? Sheesh.) After several days of storms, today was sunny and temperate. I ate my body weight in mexican food for lunch. The children produced adorable gifts for me, even while ratting out Daddy for taking them shopping YESTERDAY. (Dude, seriously. Your next wife is not gonna go for that crap. You had them with you for NINE DAYS STRAIGHT and you had another adult there to help you. Where in the bible does it state that thou shalt not shop more than 24 hours in advance?)

My parents sent me funny cards with money in them. I love money! I mean, um, I love funny cards! And the friend who took me to lunch gave me a gift certificate for a store that doesn’t sell anything useful, because she is a genius. (True story: Another friend gave me a gift card to Target one time, and I used it to buy stuff for the kids. I am not so good with the whole “spoil myself” thing, sometimes.)

And people called, and emails came, and comments were left (thank you!) (you’re pretty!!), and insomuch as it’s possible for me to feel warm and fuzzy these days–which, granted, is not all that much because I’m working on that whole “dead inside” schtick–today was pretty good.

But wait–there’s MORE!

You ALSO GET a year’s supply of turtle wax!

Call RIGHT NOW and get TWICE as much Super Ultra Oxi Fizzy Orangey Sparkle Mixture Solution Cleaner for the SAME LOW PRICE!

Wait. No. Sorry, that was something else. I’m just so excited.

Okay, the ACTUAL thing I wanted to talk about is that sometimes, the very best gifts are the ones that cost nothing, can’t be wrapped up in a box, and come from the heart. Sometimes our loved ones give us exactly what we need, precisely when we need it, and it means more than any object we were so sure we “needed.”

Tonight, I was talking with a friend, and while discussing the various challenges life is presenting us right now, she shared with me something that has helped her to gain clarity in her life. I was skeptical, because I’m always skeptical; but in time, I came around to agreement with her.

What did she tell me?

I give up. From now on, I’m only going to listen to the advice bunny. Or possibly the advice duck, because he often gives even better advice.

I know; it sounds… silly. But we tested it out in a most scientific manner, and have to conclude that this path of animal wisdom is indeed The Way and The Light. Two inquiries in particular made this crystal clear.

First: My friend asked the advice bunny if the whore for whom her fiance left her would give him a venereal disease. This is a loaded question, and the bunny responded with “How am I supposed to know? I’m just a fuzzy little bunny.” He recommended she consult with the advice duck, who followed up with “Hmmmmm…. That’s a tough one. To be honest, I don’t know either. It looks like you are going to have to consult….. the advice platypus!”

By that point I was too intent on seeking my own fortune to find out what the platypus had to say. But you have to admit, those are plausible responses.

Second: Spurred on by this obvious display of sensibility, I asked the bunny if I would ever meet a normal man. The bunny answered, “No. Absolutely positively not.” Oh. I was a tad miffed by that. So I decided the bunny was a big meanie and I’d see what the duck had to say. But the duck said, “The bunny didn’t leave much room for any other possibility. I’m going to go with him on this one.”

Well. There you have it. Two questions; one, difficult to know for sure unless you know a doctor willing to disregard HIPAA regulations (although I am all for wishing making it so…), and the other, the answer depressing but obvious (and none of that sugar-coating that some people insist upon).

I’ll be taking all major life decisions to the animals from here on out. And the resolution to do so has put a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I feel that my load has lightened. And I have my friend to thank, for showing me the way! She, too, is realizing the benefits of this new enlightenment:

God, I’m taking advice from a DUCK. Kill me.

Yep. I have a feeling that all will be revealed VERY SOON.


  1. Mamacita

    Hey, ducks are SMART! I would always take a duck’s advice.

    Says a woman whose very attractive son is still single. . . .

  2. buffi

    Quack…Happy Birthday…Quack…

  3. Kym

    Happy Birthday Hon :)

  4. Peek

    Glad to hear you had a pretty good b-day. I do have a question, why is it when a guy leaves someone for someone else we always wish bad things on the someone else rather than they guy, who is really the one that broke a promise? I never did quite figure that out.

  5. ben

    This quacks me up!


  6. cmhl

    happy birthday to youuuuuu!!!

  7. Bob

    I noticed that SOMEONE asked the advice bunny why I got your age wrong, and it “ducked” the question. (Ben, I quack myself up). All I can say is that if the Advice Duo don’t know, then who am I to pretend to greater wisdom.

    I prostrate myself before you (and the entire Internet) and beg your forgiveness. 35 was a typo. I really meant 25.

    (I’m a shameless groveler).

  8. ben

    You don’t look a day over 24. And so thin! And pretty! And OMG your kids are so precious!

    (more shameless)

  9. Shiz

    I asked the bunny if I should tell my boss to fork off, and the bunny said, “It seems likely.”

  10. Fraulein N

    Happy Birthday!

  11. Shannon Gilchrist

    Happy Birthday! Glad to hear it was a good one!

  12. Joshilyn

    Happy Birthday and OH MY LORD but the bunny is right. Beautiful Petunia, you do nto want to meet a normal guy. You would eat him alive.

    I went to talk to the Bunny myself — here is a cut and paste:

    Your question was:

    Will Mir meet a cute smart nice loving weirdo?

    The Advice Bunny’s response is:

    Yes, but don’t tell anyone.

    Oops…does this count as “telling?”

  13. Jules

    Weirdos are TOTALLY the way to go… long as they don’t have red glowing eyes

    ..I’m just sayin’

  14. Karry

    HEY! Quacky Birthday to you!

    The duck thing reminds me of a game I used to play in school called “Wanna buy a duck?” Very fun but stupid game.

  15. trusty getto

    Oh, I think its that wisdom and wit beyond your years that keeps us coming back for more! I, for one, thought 34 was a darn good age to be. Enjoy!

  16. Heather

    Ha! That advice bunny is rad. I asked it a few I wasn’t sure of, then tried to throw it a curve ball…
    Your question was:

    Are juice boxes recyclable?

    The Advice Bunny’s response is:

    Oh that’s a tough one. I’m going to go with.. Yes.


Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest