In lieu of sex and drugs

By Mir
August 16, 2005

Something very exciting is going to happen to me, tomorrow. I’d thought that my recent trip was all the fun one person could stand in a lifetime, let alone a single week, but there is no stopping this. Ready or not, time is marching onward.

Actually, a whole bunch of exciting things are happening tomorrow, if you want to get technical about it. It’s pretty much going to be a non-stop bonanza of ECSTASY around here! Wooooooo!

You’re jealous. It’s okay; I understand. It’s a natural response. Don’t hate me because my life is thrilling!

Anyway, tomorrow. Let’s see. Oh, right!

Tomorrow morning I’ll drag the kids out of bed–they have been loathe to greet the morning since my return–and rudely force them to go to camp and have some fun, dammit. They will dawdle over breakfast while I pack their lunchbags full of food that they will either throw away or smush into the bottom of their backpacks.

Tomorrow at midday I will meet a friend for lunch because she insisted that we have lunch tomorrow. Eating is good. I like to eat.

Tomorrow afternoon I’ll take Monkey to his kindergarten open house, where he’ll meet his teacher and explore his new room. Of course, he’s having the same teacher Chickadee had two years ago, in the room right next door to the room he was in last year, but whatever. It will still be An Event.

Tomorrow night I’ll pick up something for dinner, shake the packages the children have wrapped in paper and three rolls of scotch tape, and ask them if they got me a puppy. No? Not a puppy?? A hippo? No? They will giggle and protest and then crawl all over me once I’ve unwrapped whatever it is and demand that I tell them how much I like it. “Oh, I LOVE it!” I will tell them. They’ll be pleased.

[I have verified that neither package is large enough to contain a Chia Pet of any variety. Thank goodness. RIP, Freaky Tweety-head Chia.]

Then I will open the cards I received from my parents. I usually cheat and open them right when they arrive, but apparently 34 is the age at which you develop the patience to wait until your actual birthday to open stuff. Though I’m not sure it’s at all related to patience. I think it’s more that I’ve finally given up on the idea of a particular day being anything more than a reminder of all the things I was sure would change this past year and didn’t. But, hey! There’s always next year to screw up!

I jest, of course. Birthdays are important. Yes! And I am all about nurturing myself. Why, I have arranged things such that I will be basking in a veritable embarrassment of pampering for my birthday this year. It’s true! Behold!

Birthday gifts I have already given myself:
* A fabulous getaway with friends (which, I forgot to mention before, included a “I’m blogging this” t-shirt from Joshilyn)!
* A dead-sexy dress I neither needed nor will I ever probably wear!
* Guest blogging some snark that needed OUT but didn’t need to be HERE!
* Pretty shoes!
* Renewal of my car registration!
* A fun-filled trip to the dump!

And as if THAT wasn’t ENOUGH….

Birthday gifts I shall be receiving tomorrow or the next day:
* Lunch! Because, hey… sometimes, I don’t have lunch!
* Something my children picked out!
* A mystery item in the mail, I think, maybe; because Kira will tell me nothing more than “Your birthday is on THURSDAY. NOT Wednesday. Yes, let’s pretend it IS. On THURSDAY. Okay!”
* A state inspection sticker for my car!
* A thrilling bone density scan!
* Therapy!

I tell you what. 34 is pretty darn exciting, already. It’s possible that turning 35 will flat-out KILL ME. Assuming that I’m getting enough calcium and my bones haven’t all turned to dust by then, anyway. Oh, the suspense!


  1. justdawn

    its not midnight yet but HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU !!
    I hope you have a GREAT day…
    35 isnt so bad…I made it thru..:)

  2. 4sanity

    Happy birthday to you…….. Hope you have a great day.

  3. Mike

    Happy birthday to someone who has brought great happiness to others, even if she sometimes trips and stumbles over CLODS (you know, hunks of dirt, yeah, that’s what I meant) seeking her own slice of the pie. Bask in the kids’ adoration/misbehavior/energy/sweet charm on your birthday, Mir. As you celebrate them, we celebrate you.

  4. Wryly

    Happy Birthday! Mine was Sunday. Leo’s rule!

  5. Kira

    What…you figured it out from my hints? WOW, you’re SMART!
    Sorry I’m a dork. Maybe NEXT year I’ll manage to get you your present in time. After all, by then I’LL be 35, and that may be when I cross my line into actual maturity.
    Seriously though, happy, happy birthday, sweetie. May this year bring you unimagined joy.

  6. Jules

    Happy birthday to youuuuuuu
    Happy birthday to youuuuuuu

    I love ya!

  7. Steve Sherlock

    Have a great and happy birthday!

  8. Nic

    Happy birthday Mir, thank you for being such an interesting and funny part of my life. I’m so glad you’re here. Much love from me to you.

  9. chris

    Happy Birthday!
    The presents wrapped with three rolls of tape each are always the best ;-)

  10. ben

    Hippo Birdie two ewe!

    Hope it’s even MORE fantastic than you imagine!

  11. Karen


    You think 34 is exciting, try 43. EVERYTHING stops working, all at roughly the same time. Enjoy your youth, my friend!

  12. Jessie

    Happy Birthday! Hope it’s the best one yet!

  13. dad

    Hey Mim, I lot of people are pulling for you to have an awesome year…and more.
    We love you.


  14. Leslie

    Adding my wishes to the already long list. Happy Birthday …

  15. Edgy Mama

    Happy Birthday!

    It could be worse–I was 6 months pregnant on my 34th birthday (with my first child).

    Have a great day.

  16. Lizzie

    Happy Birthday, Mir! May the next 34 years far surpass the last…in all things good and fat-free!

  17. Melanie Lynne Hauser

    Happy Birthday! And you’re right about the sudden development of patience, with regard to presents (birthday and Christmas) – I used to be the biggest kid in the house. Now I can wait patiently for everyone else to open their gifts first. So finally I’m a grown up; it only took me 40 years to get there.

  18. Bob

    Wow. 35. Well, then….

    Just think, the clothes your parents were wearing when you were born are all the rage these days. So you could say that you are now the height of fashion.

    Mir – the new lbd of the internet.

    Happy Birthday. I wish you many happy returns of the day. I’ll try to find you a pot for putting things in. oh, bother.

  19. Summer

    I cannot think of a clever way to say this, so you’ll have to settle for


  20. Patricia

    You seem so sage and wise — I thought it wasn’t possible for you to be *MY* age. Well, you have a year on me; so maybe that year is all the difference.

    From one girl who hopes to have as much together as you do in the next year, I wish you a totally happening, fun filled, birthday. Oh, and I wish you tape too — those gifts might take more than the stores have stocked through Christmas.

  21. Jenny

    Happy, happy birthday, dahlin!

  22. Jazzy

    Have a great one! Bone density scan? Doesn’t sound like a good birthday present to me, but whatever floats your boat!

  23. Lucy

    Hey – today is my birthday too! Happy bday to a fellow Leo. Rowwr!

  24. Dawn

    HAPPPY BIRTHDAY! 35 is a lovely age. Old enough to know better, young enough to be spry enough to get away with it anyway.

    Wishing you much happiness and health!

  25. joaaanna


    Go raise some hell!

  26. Amy

    Happy birthday, beautiful tulip! And I don’t just say that to anyone! Feel special! :)

    Hey – we’re the same age! I’m not sure why I’m so excited about that, but what the heck. Cake for everyone! Yippee!

  27. udge

    Aw, jeez! I miss two days and Mir picks just that time to have a birthday. Ah well, I’ll write it in the calendar for next year. Happy day-after-your-birthday, and many more!

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