Vacation / All I ever wanted

By Mir
July 26, 2005
Category Detritus

I need a vacation. And some sleep. But I. NEED. a vacation.

It just so happens I have a plane ticket! Yes! Isn’t that fortuitous?

Except that it isn’t, exactly, because this ticket I have is the Wrong Ticket. Not a Golden Ticket (we saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today) or a ticket that will take me to somewhere exciting or even just to people who are willing to tolerate me. Nope. And of course, it’s a non-refundable ticket, because refundable ones cost eleventy trillion dollars, and this one only cost one of Monkey’s kidneys.

But! Non-refundable means I can pay a change fee (perhaps only equivalent to the sale of some plasma) and apply it towards a different ticket. A vacation ticket.

Did I mention, I need a vacation?

Here’s the thing. Amongst people who are NOT living where the current ticket was supposed to take me, I’m actually quite popular. Go figure. I currently have various invitations to New York, Pennsylvania, Georgia, West Virginia, Colorado, and California.

Each of these locations would offer a free place to stay and excellent company. Beyond that, there are the obvious differences to consider. Do I want a trip in the nostalgia machine? Or the chance to catch up with a friend removed? Or maybe just a lot of chocolate and wine? Or the destination most likely to involve loving but sturdy kicks to my ass?

How important is the locale itself? Do I go for weather? Or is that shallow? Or is what I REALLY need just a stack of books on a beach somewhere, on my own? (That appeals to me on a very basic level, but it does remove the free lodging factor, as well as being potentially dangerous for someone like me who is so prone to wallow without proper supervision.) Where can I get a comparison list of the wireless access and the prevalence of disturbing insects for each locale? Hmmm?

I dislike assvice as much as the next blogger, but I’ll confess to having enough trouble selecting my clothing each morning right now. My decision-making skills have a pretty lousy track record of late. I’m not asking you WHERE I should go, but HOW I should figure it out. Hit me with your suggestions.

One way or another, I have to get away.


  1. Chickie

    Hey, I have a spare room in Florida if your ticket brings you this way. Close to the beach and Disneyworld, woo hoo!

    Perhaps you could take your ticket to where-ever and just get a fleabag motel room to hole up in alone?

  2. rudolf

    You should definitely go anywhere you feel you can at least salvage the part of the original trip you were looking forward to most: the sex.

  3. Jules

    Uhhm…I’m not allowed to have sex while doing chemo…Guess that crosses me off the list ;)


  4. Dawn

    Your always welcome in Wisconsin too…free place to stay-good company-alone time if and when you want it. Beach. Awesome food..we have beer and WINE…chocolate too!!!!
    Men too…:)

  5. buffi

    I have been facing a similar question. My problem was solved when a friend called “dibs.” So I am meeting her in DC and we are both paying for a hotel rm in order to escape any and all people to whom we gave birth or married.

  6. Karry

    Okay – uh, possibly a dumb idea, but figure it out in lists.

    You know, list what you want from the vacation, then list what each destination offers you and pick the one that offers you the most of your wants.

    You could also establish some weird complicated points scoring system.

    I’ve also picked three – and then made the kids pick two of the three, and then I would pick one of the remaining two. Whatever I didn’t select would be the choice.

    If kids are going – make them pick.

    Good luck – wherever you decide – it will be worth it. I took a vacation at home – did nothing but laze in my hammock and read. I so needed that.

  7. helllonwheeels

    I would so offer up Idaho, but …. there’s nothing to do. But we could go next door and visit the Grand Tetons.

  8. Tiny Coconut

    See, all these people above are way too free-wheeling and un-angst-ridden for me. Here’s what I’d do: Go wherever the original ticket had you going, and just change the “what I’m going to do when I get there” part of the itinerary. With your much-belovedness nationwide, I bet if you just mentioned where you’ll be, you’d find yourself an ivitation. Or, if it were me, I’d just hit a hotel and stay there for the entire time.

    But that’s just me, because I’m cheap. With a capital CH, and a capital EAP. And I just can’t fathom allowing some big old jerkface to get between me, my vacation and my money.

  9. Wendy

    ok. first, decide WHY you want to go. then decide which place offers the cheapest way to accomplish that with the greatest chance for the best possible time with the least possible effort. example:

    Why? I want to escape from being a mommy and I want some free time but not too much

    so I go: hang out with good friend far from home. the far from home accomplished the away from mommy-land. the good friend ensures they will show me a good time that I do NOT have to plan or research but respect the need for ‘hey, I’m just gonna walk around by myself for a few hours, k?’ factor.

    that’s my two cents. sorry if it sucks. you can refund me… ha!

  10. danelle

    Well, I’m in Colorado so you can probably guess what I’d pick. And why not?! 300 days of sunshine a year, mountains, Six Flags, Water World, Columbine, Jon Benet Ramsay…uhh..wait a minute.

    Anyway I hope wherever you decide has plenty of eye candy and lots of laughs.

  11. barbara

    throw all the destinations in a fishbowl and pick one. then pack your bags and head out for some wine, chocolate and good company that will remind you how loved and lovable you really are!

  12. ben

    I’m not asking you WHERE I should go, but HOW I should figure it out. Hit me with your suggestions.

    As a general rule, do not go anywhere that Jim Cantore is standing in front of a camera crew, at least not during hurricane season.

    I like the idea of getting a few place names (beach, mountains, big city, etc.) and putting them on a dartboard or in a hat and just picking one that way.

    If you come to Tejas, just remember that the heat index isn’t a temperature, it’s how long you can stay outside without bursting into flames.

    Am I helping any?

    (if it were me, I’d be looking for a beach resort with lots of gorgeous wait staff and drinks with umbrellas in them)

  13. laura

    I’d invite you here, but it’s hot as hell and buggy. I think you should go to Maine – that’s where I would go. Stay in those cabins in West Bath, visit Freeport and Portland and the various state parks. Heaven.

  14. nancy

    All of my “vacations” are visiting friends. To choose which one this time, call everyone you may be interested in visiting and mention that you might like to visit, or that you are vacationing at such and such a time. The person that has the most excited response, and is so into the idea that wonderful you is possibly coming to visit that it makes you excited too, is the place to go.

  15. Mike

    Hmmmmmmmm…I think you should base the decision on the proximity to the nearest Pacific Ocean, Redwood tree, National Park with a Yosemite in its name, city ending in Francisco (or Jose, actually), and coolest aquarium in the world. But that’s just MY way of thinking. :)

  16. miriam

    Hi! I’m newish here, but I’ll jump in with assvice anyhow.

    I love to go somewhere new when I feel like I need to change myself. That way there are no obligatory visits, and you can invent yourself every morning. One day you’re a sleeping-in, cafe-sitting laid back chicka, the next you’re hitting all the galeries in town, and you can sit back and people watch with impunity.

    I think it would depend if your batteries are charged by folks or drained by them just now. I’m usually in the second category- that’s why I love the anonymous new locale vacay.

    Either way, get the king sized bed and eat something a little nicer and slower than you normally budget at least once.

    Last (I promise) thing- don’t bring a book or at least, limit how much time you spend reading it, or it may suck up some of your perceived-vacation-time.

  17. Crusty

    I’m a lurker who’s a big fan of your writing. My suggestion is to make a list of all your vacation options…pick one. As soon as you do you will probably have a yes or no feeling about it. If no, then pick another one and repeat.
    Sandra aka The Crusty Crone

  18. Amanda B.

    I say go for the chocolate and wine. Pamper yourself.

  19. Carrie

    I’d say put all the options in a bowl/hat/whatever and have a drawing. If you feel the least twinge of disappointment with the results and wish it would have been a different one, go to the one you wish it would have been (or keep drawing until you feel no twinge). I read an article about making decisions that way, so it’s not my orginal idea. I just thought it was a good idea.

    Good luck! It sounds like you really need a vacation.

  20. Carrie

    Whoops! I should have read the comments better. Sounds like Crusty already gave you that idea.

  21. Carmen

    Ooh! Ooh! (waving hand wildly in the air) Pick me!

    I can offer the beach close by, lots of chocolate, a run to Starbucks every morning, wine, great food, and proper supervision. I’m great at the supervision part – just ask my kids. I never let them do anything. HA!

    Seriously, I’m not an axe murderer, you can ask Jenny to vouch for me. It’s a valid invite. Open only for the great and powerful Mir.

    Plus, in what other vacation spot do you have a twice daily showing of the Heffalump movie??

  22. Jess in Nova Scotia

    Ummm…go to the library? Park yourself in front of the travel shelf and pick randomly. Grab a big cushy armchair and thumb through books. Pick the destination with the most things that grab you.

    We’ve had three terrific vacations and one best-not-mentioned terror trip this way. (Allergic reactions, bad directions, long ER waits, restaurant made unsafe by fire, attractions closed for season, flat tires and a really bad haircut.)

    But the good ones were really good.

  23. Alan

    Chucking destinations into a bowl is fine – but you should apply some filters too lest you end up in Bates Motel in South Dakota the day after they lost their liquor license.

    Given your love of theatre/drama/dance I’d use the following criteria:

    1. Location must host a major international arts festival. Somewhere, perhaps, with 25,326 performances of 1695 shows by 735 companies in 236 venues. 2. Location should be architecturally interesting with lots of history. 3. English should be the major language or your enjoyment of performances may diminish somewhat.

    Now Edinburgh’s one place that comes to mind but there is bound to be others.

    Write down all possible locations and put those in the bowl, close your eyes and pick.

  24. Leanne

    Go where there are no bugs, because who wants to be annoyed by swarms of bugs when you’re trying to enjoy yourself and/or the weather?

    Go where it’s warm, but not humid, because being able to breathe on vacation is imperative.

    Go where you can do what you love to do both indoors and outdoors without being disturbed by a lot of noise, traffic or passers by.

    And be sure that there’s a fridge at your destination, too!


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