By Mir
July 18, 2005
Category Friends

If I close my eyes, the part of my mind that is adrift will actually impose an undercurrent of motion on my senses. It’s a slight but steady pull. My eyes always pop open before it gets so strong that I’m washed away. But I’m tired, you know. Bone tired. And when I’m too tired to lift my eyelids again, I half-expect I will be taken out to sea.

It must be the rain.

Anyway, if you thought I was in a jovial mood this morning, you shoulda been around this afternoon! Murphy has a bone to pick with me. I don’t know what I did to anger him so, but it was a doozy. I don’t think he’s done with me yet, either.

But that’s not what’s on my mind. I mean, yes, it’s on my mind every single nanosecond, but that’s not what I want to tell you about.

I have friends that I don’t deserve. I love each and every one of them and wonder if they know that I would be lost without them.

I love the friends who answered my distress call with a barrage of emails designed to buoy me and stop my self-torture.

I love the friend who listened to me cry into my phone as I sat huddled in my car, trying to pull myself together before I got the kids. I love that she lectured me about the ulcer I’m working on, and how mean ulcer-creating people suck.

I love the friend who came to get me out of the car, who held me while I stood there and bawled until my chest hurt. I love that she kept trying to feed me until I told her I was afraid that if I ate I would puke. I love that then she said if I did, the dog would clean it up.

I love the friend who just sat with me and held my hand, and then chatted with me about this and that and didn’t mind that I mostly just nodded. I love that she laughed when I suggested we drown one of my kids in the pool, just to see if it was possible that I could feel worse.

I love the friend who hugged me in the middle of a crowd, and made me look her in the eyes so that she could tell me I’ll be okay. I love that she called me later to tell me again. I love that she understands that I don’t know it yet.

I love the friends who are reaching across to me however they can, to tell me I’m allowed to feel. That they’re sorry I feel this way, but I’m allowed.

Thank you.


  1. halloweenlover

    This post made me cry! You are so lucky to have such fabulous and loving friends and family. I hope things are a little bit better today. Faith is a very very hard thing to have, especially when others are depending on you too.

  2. Amanda B.

    Things will be sunny again, Mir. I promise.

  3. Fraulein N

    I’m so glad you have people who are there for you.

  4. suz

    I’m a recent but loyal fan. I hope you are feeling better soon. Friends like yours are lovely. What a blessing you received from each of them!

  5. Karen

    You’re a very lucky woman indeed, in that respect. (Luckier than most people, including myself.) But I do hope the clouds part for you and the sun starts streaming in, SOON.

  6. Carter

    Faith is putting one foot in front of the other, even when you’re so tired all you can do is cry.

    I’m glad you have such wonderful friends to hold you up and keep you moving. That love is a treasure beyond price. I hope the darkness passes over quickly.

  7. Bob

    I am so sorry that you are having these problems, I only wish I could do for you now what you did for me last October. You gave me a refuge from my troubles, made me laugh when I didn’t think there was any left in me. I don’t know how to express what that meant to me at that time. I can only repeat what everyone else has already said – you are a loving, giving person; a great mother and I expect a terrific friend. You were a gift to me when I needed it and I’m sure to others too.

    High standards are tough, but the rewards are comensurate. sounds like you are already finding that out.

  8. HomefrontSix

    Friends will help you move. Good friends will help you move bodies. Sounds like you have good friends. I am thankful for that.

    And it WILL be ok, even if you don’t know it yet.

  9. 4Sanity

    You are so lucky to have those friends – I miss having people to trust and rely on.

  10. kestralyn

    I’ve been out of the loop for a couple of weeks… I’m just now reading your last few blog entries. Oh, Mir! I wish I could be one of those friends who can be there physically for you. All I can do is send you a virtual hug, but it’s got your name written all over it!

    I’m not good at words, but very good at getting people the minimum of 6 interpersonal touches they need every day. Means I’m sort of a sucky e-friend, but really good in person ;-) Please accept the hugs and good thoughts we’re all sending you. You’re a big important part of our lives, even though an awful lot of us haven’t ever met you.

    I’ve left my real email address this time. If you need me, let me know. I take emails with a subject line of “nurfle?” regularly ;-)

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