Just call me Goldilocks

By Mir
July 6, 2005

I know each and every one of you will be pleased and relieved to know that AFTER I’d gone BACK outside to water my flowers, yesterday, it proceeded to rain all day, today. Of course.


Today’s tale is about the time I went to this house in the woods and the first porridge I tasted was too hot and the second was too cold and–

Wait. I don’t ever break into people’s houses in the woods. And I’ve never had porridge. But this is ALMOST as logical as that, I promise! And nobody’s chair gets broken. And best of all? It’s about my vagina! AGAIN!!

So remember how, once upon a time, I battled chronic yeast for what seemed like a really long time, and eventually I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a rare form of yeast which is much harder to eradicate?

Hakuna matata!
What a wonderful phraaaaaaaaase!


Anyway, that was… unpleasant. But I did what my doctor told me to do (which was mostly shove things up in there for many days on end) and I got better. Which was great, because vaginal infections are not high on my list of favorite things. But guess what happened a couple of days ago?

I started having (mild) symptoms again. (That’s all you need to know. Trust me.)

But today was my follow-up appointment with my doctor, so I figured she would have some wisdom to share. Or more suppositories to prescribe. Or that perhaps she would ask to write an important medical journal article on my miraculous, misbehaving vaginal flora.

Doctor: So, how are you doing?
Me: Well, I think I may still have a yeast infection.
Doctor: Did you do the regimen I prescribed?
Me: Yep. Loads o’ fun, that.
Doctor: Well, let’s have a look here. *poke* *probe* *scrapescrapescrape* Okay, let me go have a look at this under the microscope.
[Doctor leaves.]
Me: *get dressed* *read six magazines* *recite pi to 5,329 decimal places*
[Doctor returns.]
Doctor: Okay! Well, I have GOOD NEWS! Spring has come to your vagina!
Me: … springs in my vagina?
Doctor: Candida glabrata looks like little snowmen under the microscope. And you don’t have any! All clear! The treatment worked.
Me: Oh! Good! That’s great!
Doctor: Yes it is.
Me: Yeah. Um. So it’s not candida.
Doctor: Nope.
Me: So what is it?
Doctor: Oh! Right. Hang on, I’ll get you a data sheet.
Me: ??
Doctor: Here you go. Nope, now you have cytolytic vaginosis! It’s exactly the opposite; now you have too much good bacteria, and it causes something an awful lot like a yeast infection, but from a completely different root cause.
Me: But… I stopped taking acidopholus.
Doctor: You might want to stop eating yogurt for a while.
Me: Oh.
Doctor: And you may wish to try to some baking soda douches, to rebalance the acidity in the vaginal canal.
Me: Baking soda douches?
Doctor: Yes. You can buy them premade, or mix your own.
Me: Goody. I guess I have that not-so-fresh feeling?
Doctor: But no snowmen!
Me: Right.

So I guess you could say I’m still looking for the one that’s juuuuust right. Not my doctor; no, she’s perfect (except for the part about finding my string of maladies so amusing). But the “just right” vaginal canal still eludes me.

If the baking soda doesn’t fix things up, I’m thinking of trying porridge, next. I just worry about getting the temperature right, not to mention that I haven’t quite worked out the part about squeezing it through those little bottles….


  1. ben

    Okay, do I hve this right?

    Snowmen – don’t like yogurt.

    Hakuna Mutata – doesn’t like baking soda.

    And the whole “canal” business just makes me giggle, but that’s probably just me. Like I’ve got a better name for it or something.

    (I’m sorry, but every time I read the word “canal” I picture the guys in Venice or Florence or wherever that is that sit at the back of the canoe and sing Italian songs while piloting couples around the most romantic sewage system EVAR.)

  2. MistressMary

    Shit. I laughed really hard. I think I peed myself a little.

    Hey, listen. My MIL complained to my SIL because I mentioned ONCE in my blog that I was having my period. I even used a euphemism (Good ol’ Aunt Flo). And here you are, talking all about your VAGINA!I think I’m going to send her over here and show her just how personal things could get, and tell her to shut her pie-hole.

  3. Dawn

    I went through a phase (and it wasn’t a beeyootiful ‘phase’ like Hakuna Matata…hee hee!) the remedy for one infection caused the second, the remedy for that caused the 3rd and they told two friends and they told two friends…but the good news is it eventually got straightened out and I haven’t had any problems for years. No sex either, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. Does it? Maybe I was just allergic to men. That would be tragic. Glad to hear spring has arrived.

  4. Kira

    Good grief, woman. If you get google hits from people looking for “porridge douche”, you have no one to blame but yourself.
    Hope things get nicely balanced soon.

  5. Jules

    ..and now the guys in Venice in the back of those canoes are SNOWMEN!!!..in black and white striped shirts and funny hats…and….

    ..and maybe I should take some more pain meds and actually be a sleep at 4am ;)

  6. Theresa

    OMG…I laughed so hard! Uh wait, not because you have such a fickle bacteria mixture in your vagina, but the way you wrote that…Crossing my fingers for you!

  7. Elisson

    Ah, Mir: you are the Queen of Schmutschkie-Blogging.

    My cats, Hakuna and Matata, said to tell you “Hello.”

    As for me, perhaps it’s time I gave up oatmeal…

  8. soapbox.SUPERSTAR

    Okay, that story is hilarious. I am here through a blogroll, but in the heat of laughing at your post, I cannot remember who sent me. Love your site!

  9. Jenn

    Mir and her Superstar Diva Vagina who just can’t be happy with any solution. Next thing you know it is going to be demanding bottled Evian at room temperature to go with it’s porridge douche!

  10. Bob

    If porridge doesn’t work, try tooth paste. Oh, wait – that’s for itching. But, I believe that there is itching involved with these infections, so try it anyway. That way you’ll be minty fresh, and whitened to boot. Not to mention plaque-less.

  11. laura

    I — I have no response to this. I can’t speak. I can only SIIIINNNNG! No, wait – sorry about your girlie troubles. I’m sure the irony of all this is not lost on you, nor, I’m sure, do you find it the funny kind of irony.

  12. justdawn

    i guess “activity” it better than NOTHING!!!…I think my “area” has cobwebs!!!!!

  13. Jenny

    OMG, the link you put, with the floral borders and the froofy fonts. Haaaa! Reading about itchy vaginas is downright soothing when presented with such a feminine touch.

  14. song

    I may never eat porridge again… but I have a lovely image in mind of you trying to insert snowmen back into your *insert word for vagina here* trying to recapture your balance.

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