I know each and every one of you will be pleased and relieved to know that AFTER I’d gone BACK outside to water my flowers, yesterday, it proceeded to rain all day, today. Of course.
Today’s tale is about the time I went to this house in the woods and the first porridge I tasted was too hot and the second was too cold and–
Wait. I don’t ever break into people’s houses in the woods. And I’ve never had porridge. But this is ALMOST as logical as that, I promise! And nobody’s chair gets broken. And best of all? It’s about my vagina! AGAIN!!
So remember how, once upon a time, I battled chronic yeast for what seemed like a really long time, and eventually I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a rare form of yeast which is much harder to eradicate?
What a wonderful phraaaaaaaaase!
Anyway, that was… unpleasant. But I did what my doctor told me to do (which was mostly shove things up in there for many days on end) and I got better. Which was great, because vaginal infections are not high on my list of favorite things. But guess what happened a couple of days ago?
I started having (mild) symptoms again. (That’s all you need to know. Trust me.)
But today was my follow-up appointment with my doctor, so I figured she would have some wisdom to share. Or more suppositories to prescribe. Or that perhaps she would ask to write an important medical journal article on my miraculous, misbehaving vaginal flora.
Doctor: So, how are you doing?
Me: Well, I think I may still have a yeast infection.
Doctor: Did you do the regimen I prescribed?
Me: Yep. Loads o’ fun, that.
Doctor: Well, let’s have a look here. *poke* *probe* *scrapescrapescrape* Okay, let me go have a look at this under the microscope.
Me: *get dressed* *read six magazines* *recite pi to 5,329 decimal places*
Doctor: Okay! Well, I have GOOD NEWS! Spring has come to your vagina!
Me: … springs in my vagina?
Doctor: Candida glabrata looks like little snowmen under the microscope. And you don’t have any! All clear! The treatment worked.
Me: Oh! Good! That’s great!
Doctor: Yes it is.
Me: Yeah. Um. So it’s not candida.
Me: So what is it?
Doctor: Oh! Right. Hang on, I’ll get you a data sheet.
Doctor: Here you go. Nope, now you have cytolytic vaginosis! It’s exactly the opposite; now you have too much good bacteria, and it causes something an awful lot like a yeast infection, but from a completely different root cause.
Me: But… I stopped taking acidopholus.
Doctor: You might want to stop eating yogurt for a while.
Doctor: And you may wish to try to some baking soda douches, to rebalance the acidity in the vaginal canal.
Me: Baking soda douches?
Doctor: Yes. You can buy them premade, or mix your own.
Me: Goody. I guess I have that not-so-fresh feeling?
Doctor: But no snowmen!
So I guess you could say I’m still looking for the one that’s juuuuust right. Not my doctor; no, she’s perfect (except for the part about finding my string of maladies so amusing). But the “just right” vaginal canal still eludes me.
If the baking soda doesn’t fix things up, I’m thinking of trying porridge, next. I just worry about getting the temperature right, not to mention that I haven’t quite worked out the part about squeezing it through those little bottles….