More conspicuously absent from the manual

By Mir
June 20, 2005

1) Even the world’s most selfish child will offer three of her six chicken nuggets to her sobbing brother who insists that he most certainly did NOT ask for that cheeseburger.

2) Do not bother trying to clarify to a small pacifist that it is technically impossible to avoid all of the tent caterpillars on the driveway while pulling in. Just agree that you avoided them all.

3) When your child’s therapist says that things are “much more productive” when you attend sessions rather than your ex, try not to gloat. Also resist the urge to share this information with him. Just schedule all future sessions accordingly, and maybe buy some pretty shoes.

4) Ignoring the single nostril that insists on oozing green goo for a month does not actually make it stop. Do not let the horror stories of adenoids swollen to blockage size stop you from calling the pediatrician. Once the child runs screaming from the room every time you approach with a tissue, it’s probably time to take action.

5) “I am NOT tired! Why do you always SAY I’m tired when I’m ANGRY? I’m not a BABY! And I’m NOT TIRED! I’m just CRANKY!” Check back in five minutes to confirm snoring.

And as a bonus… absent from the employee manual:

1) When your boss suggests “We should send the client something nice” he probably does NOT mean a call girl.

2) When he responds to that suggestion with “I like your thinking, but no, I was thinking something more New Englandy” it may not be appropriate to respond with “How about a call girl coated in genuine maple syrup?”


  1. Crystal

    Dually noted. :)

  2. La Pix

    How about a lobster humping a lighthouse while wearing a Red Sox cap?

  3. Heather

    Seriously just about died with the maple syrup. Oh my word. Tears in my eyes from the laughing.

  4. Leanne

    #1, I’m sure you know by now that all you need to do to solve the problem is go back? Right? Now? Please?

    #5, I can relate to, almost nightly, for approximately 8 years. LOL

  5. Mike

    Wow, and all I’m thinking is, whatever your company’s selling, I’m BUYING!

  6. ben

    Your kids want to save the caterpillars?

    Um, it’s early and some readers may still be eating breakfast, but lets just say that mine take a more, um, pathological approach to bugs and other critters.

  7. Randi

    Mmmmm….maple syrup! I’d say a call girl holding Ben and Jerry’s would do the trick too!

  8. halloweenlover

    Funny, I’m more of the I’m not cranky, I’m just tired. If only I could nap at the office, I’d be just fine.

    I think you should work in customer service Mir, you have the right stuff in mind.

  9. chris

    “coated in genuine maple syrup” LOL.

    Sounds resonable to me.

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