Have you seen the movie The Ring? I know how they could make it scarier.
Cuz, I dunno, maybe I’m just weird, but I didn’t find it all that scary. And I know people who claim it’s the best horror film they’ve ever seen. To be fair, I suspect that most of those people spent the entire film staring into Naomi Watts’ cleavage, but still.
My cleavage is not nearly so impressive, but I still think I’m ripe for a remake with an even better plot twist. Okay, FINE. I’ll wear my push-up bra.
So, in my version of the movie, instead of watching some stupid video tape, the protagonist or whomever goes to the OB/GYN and gets the Femring. Seems innocuous enough, right? And then the phone call comes… “You have seven days before you LOSE YOUR MIND….”
And of course everyone thinks that can’t possibly be true. But it is. IT IS!!
What? You don’t LIKE my movie idea? Me either.
But we may have found the reason that I have been taking the short road to Sucksville this week. I’ll letcha know in a few days, after all these new drugs and my old, dependable hormone replacement therapy has a chance to kick in again.
On the one hand, HELLO, I agreed to put this very expensive bracelet in my vaginal canal with the understanding that it was going to keep things moist and happy and stop my bones from disintegrating. I’m pretty sure that if I had known that, instead, I was going to be dizzy and panicked and generally batshit, I would’ve declined. Probably not even politely.
On the other hand, it doesn’t even make sense that this would’ve happened. I was on hormones before; I just went on a different delivery system. Same dosage, even. Logic (and, apparently, my doctor) dictates that the reaction I appear to be having cannot possibly be related to the evil, evil Femring.
But on the third hand (SHUT UP! When you take ativan you get to have a third hand, dammit!), if this ISN’T a reaction to the Femring and it IS completely unrelated, then the only logical conclusion is that I had a ministroke or fried an important circuit or something, because my mind is a quivering mushy mass of unpleasant emotions. Just as gross as it sounds, by the way.
So. My choices are:
A) bizarre, intense, never-before-heard-of hormonal flux reaction type thing
B) bizarre, intense, no-trigger-whatsoever garden-variety losing of the shit
C) great new plot twist for a lousy movie about a different ring.
D) who the hell cares, wake me up when it’s over.
I never was very good at multiple choice.