This is why I can’t take my vagina seriously

By Mir
June 2, 2005

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start with this one.

Except maybe it’s with the standard vaginal disclaimer (not to be confused with vaginal discharge! haha!): I overshare. Lots. Turn back if you’re squeamish. Or male. (Which is essentially the same thing.) Luckily for all of us, my father is on a big boat in the ocean somewhere out towards Alaska, so I don’t even have to apologize to him every fourth line!

(Not apologize for having a vagina, you understand. I’m pretty sure that’s okay with him. It could be the talking about it in graphic detail with the entire internet that bugs him. Or just, you know, talking about it where he might witness it.)

Okay. Everyone who’s still reading, strap in tight! I spent some quality time with my gynecologist this morning. And I know you want to hear ALL ABOUT IT.

It’s been almost a year since my hysterectomy. And by most accounts, I’m doing fabulously. No complications, hormones relatively even (shut up), haven’t grown a beard or had all my bones crumble into tiny bits or anything like that. It can be tricky stuff, having a total hyst at a relatively young age, so understand that I’m pretty grateful that I’m doing okay.

And I hardly ever complain, as you know. (Did I mention, shut up?)

Doctor: How’s the hormone replacement going now?

Me: Well, the patch was fine for a while, and then I started having excessive breast tenderness, and I read something that suggested switching the patch to a location above the waist to lessen absorption, so I did that. Now I wear it on my back instead of my rear and that seemed to help. But I dunno, should I be doing something else?

Doctor: That’s very true, the research blah blah blah blah…
… maybe we should try a ring, instead.

Me: A what?

Doctor: A hormone delivery ring. It’s worn vaginally, and helps support delivery of the estrogen right to the vagina without having to travel throughout the body and potentially getting diluted or ending up places you don’t want it.

Me: Oh. Um. Okay?

Doctor: Here, let me show you one. *rustles in her drawer of goodies and rips open a packet, extracting a large rubber BRACELET* You just insert it into the vagina–

Me: That’s, um, huge.

Doctor: Nah, you just insert it and it lays flat in there and you can’t even tell.

Me: It’s a ring. I don’t have a cervix anymore. What does it go AROUND?

Doctor: Well, in your case, nothing. It just lays there.

Me: What keeps it from falling out?

Doctor: The anatomy of the vaginal canal blah blah blah blah…
… and you only have to change it every 3 months.

Me: Sign me up!

Doctor: Okay, what else?

Me: Well I’ve been having a lot of yeast infections. And I’m taking tons of acidophilus and not eating any sugar and have lost the will to live.

Doctor: I see. [Asks normal, expected question.]

Me: Yes.

Doctor: [Asks slightly weird, unexpected question.]

Me: No.

Doctor: This may sound bizarre, but… [Asks weird and disgusting question.]

Me: Ewwwwwww. No!

Doctor: Okay, well, let’s have a look. Lay back. Knees apart. Oh, hmmm, yes, this could look happier.

Me: Have you seen the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte finds out her vagina is depressed?

Doctor: I’ve actually never seen that show. I don’t really have time for TV.

Me: Oh. Okay. Shutting up, now.

Doctor: I’m just going to insert the speculum… okay… and take a sample here… *scrapes my insides with such vigor that my teeth clatter* Okay! All done! Be right back, gonna have a look under the microscope.

Me: *spend some time admiring the ceiling*

Doctor: *returning* Well! Aren’t you special! The good news is that you DON’T have Candida Albicans!

Me: … and the bad news…?

Doctor: … is that you have Candida GLABRATA, which is resistant to things like acidophilus and most standard yeast treatments.

Me: … [Thinking: I have Hakuna Matata?]

Doctor: Also? I have never in all my years of practice seen so much lactobacillus in a mucus sample. Stop taking the acidophilus. Sheesh.

Me: Well but… cuz the yeast… and I… uh, okay.

Doctor: So, we have to launch a pretty big attack on it blah blah blah blah compounding pharmacy blah blah blah blah suppositories for a couple of weeks blah blah blah blah if that doesn’t work we’ll have to have you come back in and I’ll paint the vaginal canal with gentian violet. But that can stain your underwear.

Me: … [Thinking: Yes, stained underwear is really a concern of mine at this moment in time. Perhaps if I tighten up that new vaginal gasket, that will prevent leaks?]

Doctor: But this will probably work.

Me: Oh. Good.

Doctor: But it might not. We’ll see.

Me: Well, just so long as you’re sure.

Doctor: Wow, your scar still looks really bad.

Me: Yeah, I know. I did the scar sheets and I did the Mederma and I am still rather Frankensteinish.

Doctor: If that becomes an unbearable cosmetic concern for you…

Me: … uh, not a lot of people are viewing that area, really…

Doctor: … I can give you a referral to someone who can fix it.

Me: What? Really??

Doctor: Sure, they excise the scar tissue and then restitch it a bit and then do steroid injections at the site to prevent new keloid formation.

Me: Oh. That sounds fun. Except not.

Doctor: Well, if you decide you can’t stand how it looks…

Me: … I’ll put my underwear back on. Thanks.

Doctor: So, let’s talk calcium. Here’s a worksheet. Are you getting enough? Do you take a supplement? Shall I tell you about how you are young, slender, and caucasian and that osteoporosis finds you incredibly attractive?

Me: Maybe, yes, and no thank you.

Doctor: Broken any bones this year?

Me: Nope. Wait. Maybe. I might’ve sorta had an eensy little stress fracture in my foot.

Doctor: From…?

Me: Um. Yeah. This is funny! From NOTHING. Ha! Ha!

Doctor: … then let’s send you for a bone density scan, STAT.

Me: Couldn’t we just go back to the young, slender, and caucasian thing…?

I walked out of there over an hour after the appointment started, loaded down with a metric ton of paperwork. Three prescriptions. (By the way? The vag gasket is called the Femring. So that you don’t accidentally order yourself a cock ring from Canada while ferreting out lower prices, I assume.) Charts. Information flyers. A reminder card for a follow-up with her in a month. An entire leaflet on bone density scans and why it is imperative that I arrive early for my appointment AND am wearing “no metal in the midsection area.” (Damn, haveta leave my chastity belt home, I guess.)

I do so enjoy being a girl. Hakuna Matata!


  1. Nancy

    you seem to have all the luck … and you have these things just in time to inform us all ~ so that we may be forewarned.
    Very Joan of Arc-ish of you.
    p.s. hope the Hakuna Matata clears up.

  2. Cindy

    Hakuna Matata! That’s ancient girl tribal speak for “attack of the vagina”! Not that you or your vagina are ancient but the tribal speak. Um yeah. I’ll sit back down now.

  3. Kym

    Well… I think you are CRAZY to mess around with Vivelle Dot… but Im just way ok with you being the guinea pig for the rest of us. Of course… you may want to wait till after next week….

    And does that stain stuff work faster?

    And I’m very impressed your doctor made you go get a Dexa. Good for you. have you had one before as a baseline?

    My…aren’t I chatty?

  4. Mamacita

    I will never be able to watch “The Lion King” without falling on the floor in a fit again.

    You’re just wonderful. You turned an uncomfortable embarassing thing into enjoyment for us all.

    Until July, when I have to go in for my exam. And I have to go for the mammogram, too. Does anybody else think that word should mean something like, you get a HUGE message from a uniformed guy at midnight?

  5. RegularCinderella

    Ooohhh….I had my super fun exam this week, too. It’s only the most fantastic, wonderfully fabulously exciting thing that’s ever EVER happened to me.
    Kudo’s to you on the yeast thing…you may officially have my tiara from my reign as Y&T queen. I’ve been on so many freaking antibiotics this year, it’s only expected. I’ll gladly pass the honor on to you, my friend.
    Much love–I’ve missed you.

  6. Mom

    My wonderful daughter, the vagina queen!

  7. Karry

    OMG you are just too much – I was amused and smiling until I read the cock ring line and then I lost it. Once I lost it – my husband had to go and get all interested in what I thought was so funny. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t explain so he read the WHOLE POST. Now he thinks I’m crazy for reading about stuff like this – but OMG that’s too funny. I had no idea there were two kinds of yeast either – explains a LOT in my world.

  8. Suzanne

    so i’m reading this post, cracking up at my laptop and my husband looks at me like i’ve lost my mind. “What’s so funny?”

    nothing honey.

  9. Heather

    OMG. The Hakuna Matata part just about killed me. And almost certainly annoyed anyone in my house who is trying to sleep. So much loud, loud laughter.

  10. Lizzie


    Where do I even start?!?

    **reflective moment**

    Vag gaskets, galbrata and cock rings…oh my!

    That’s okay, kiddo…you’ll always be aces with us…even though you’re…like…two loaded boobs away from being a Fembot ;o)

  11. ben

    Hi there kids? It’s Friday, and that’s Talent Round Up Day on the Mucousketeer Club!

    Who’s the leader of the club
    That’s made for you and me
    V-A-G-I-N-A Q-U-E-E-N
    Hey! there, Hi! there, Ho! there
    You’re as welcome as can be
    V-A-G-I-N-A Q-U-E-E-N

    Vagina Queen!

    Vagina Queen!

    Forever let us hold our banner
    High! High! High! High!

    Come along and sing a song
    And grab your speculum!
    V-A-G-I-N-A Q-U-E-E-N

    (it’s the yeast I could do)

  12. Jenny

    *wiping tears of laughter away*

    Leave it to you to have an exotic form of yeastie beasties. You manage to take every experience and make it hilarious. Perhaps next, you should spin straw into gold. You have it in you.

    (yes, it’s threekidcircus Jenny, still peeved that your comments hate me.)

  13. Amy

    At first I was simply horrified but then I got to the line about the cock ring and now I’m just trying to keep breathing through the bursts of uncontrollable laughter…
    How FUN for you!

  14. laura

    You know what else you’re going to have to leave at home besides your chastity belt, right? Yep. That “special” piercing you have. Thanks for taking us along on your checkup and making us enjoy it.

  15. cherl

    Makes me want to go back to the doctor and demand a better visit. I just had the usual kind of exam this week.

  16. Maddie

    I’m just thinking that the word COCKRING doesn’t belong anywhere near the word MOM.

    But then again, she did call you the vagina queen…

  17. W. S. Cross

    Wow, one of the few times asking a man for a ring was a good idea for both parties….

  18. carson

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. . .so I’ll just laugh til I cry instead.

  19. fay

    OK..I found your site doing a google for ‘permanent stitch traveling through vagina 5 years after hysterectomy’ (or something like that). What a great find and a great gift for writing you have.

    So now I’m having a ‘procedure’ Tuesday to remove said stitch. The official description for this procedure at the surgi-center is “Removal of foreign body from vagina.” I want to scream every time a nurse/technician/gurney boy reads that and say “It’s a STITCH”. Not some random thing that is just UP THERE. Not like someone left something behind!!


    Keep up the good words.

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