I like the huge spike in readership that I experience when I talk about disgusting things that my body sometimes does. Hooboy, remember the hysterectomy era? Good times! I’m feeling nostalgic!
And, well… frankly, I just don’t feel as close to you as I used to. Remember the old days? Remember our romantic chats about granulation of the vaginal cuff? Those were precious bonding moments, people.
So I know that you are deeply concerned about my current issues. Because, friends: I have issues.
My first issue is that sometimes when I do one of two things, it has the potential to make a certain rather delicate part of my body very angry. This is a shame, because these two things? Are things I enjoy very much. And the angry body part? Not so much.
The first angering activity was NOT something I did this weekend, as I was vastly enjoying the company of women, and the activity I’m thinking of requires a penis. Whoops. Did I say that out loud? (Sometimes when it’s been a while since I’ve had some personal up-close time with a penis, I find myself saying penis more often because saying penis might possibly assuage my sadness at having not, you know, SEEN one. Penis!)
The second angering activity is really quite stupid. It does not make sense to me that a part of my body quite far away from my mouth should get so incredibly pissed off when my mouth chooses to enjoy some alcohol. But alas, it’s true. Sometimes when I drink, the alcohol gets into my system and and looks around and goes, “PSSSSSSST! Candida! Over here! You wanna piece’a DIS??”
Furthermore, if my body is gonna choose to get all freaked out over ONE DRINK, I am saddened that I didn’t at least binge and get so drunk that I at least have a good story to show for it. I mean, come ON. “I sipped one drink over the course of 3+ hours and all I got was this lousy yeast infection.” Have you ever seen that on a t-shirt? Me either.
So there’s that. Under control, being treated, and ITCHY AND BURNING AND SO VERY WRONG. Ahem.
Maybe if that was all I was dealing with today, it would’ve been okay. But wait, there’s more! I also had a year’s supply of turtle wax! No, that’s wrong. I don’t even have any turtles. No, what I have is allergies. Which is nearly as useful.
I forgot to take my Allegra today. Not a big deal. Except that I have really long eyelashes.
What do you mean, What the hell does that have to do with anything? Must I explain EVERYTHING? Fine.
I have allergies. I also wear glasses. When my allergies are bad, my eyes water. Constantly. I have really long eyelashes, which touch the lenses of my glasses. When my eyes water, my lashes smudge my glasses. And then I can’t see. And I am rather fond of seeing. So I remove my glasses and wipe them off. And put them back on. And blink. Whereupon the lenses get smudged.
And then I go all Hulk and stomp up and down on my glasses.
Or just, you know, endure the puzzled glances from the other people sitting in a meeting with me, who are clearly wondering what my major malfunction is that necessitates removing my glasses and swiping at them every five seconds.
And then I say, “Listen, I can do this, or I can scratch my inflamed crotch. Your choice.”
I’m so glad I can share these things with you, Internet. Wanna cuddle?