Someone is trying to tell me something

By Mir
April 27, 2005

So, um, while I was busy huddling up and packing, I was also managing to stick my foot in my mouth over and over with various key people. It would’ve been a thing of beauty if, say, I was in some sort of contest to see how angry and annoyed I could make every person that came into contact with me without actually evoking a ballpoint pen to the eyeball from any of them.

As it was, no one stuck anything in either of my eyes, but I developed a persistent ocular leak, nonetheless. I pondered the options for living a solitary life in the wilderness. The pros and cons would take some time to weigh, but in the meantime, I didn’t want to miss my upcoming getaway. Plenty of time to decide to withdraw from society after I go piss off some other people in a different state!

And there was just ONE THING I needed to take care of before I was cleared for take-off.

Off I went to see my doctor today. [Wait. No. Not MY doctor. MY doctor is away. On account of she is mostly imaginary, only showing up in the office on alternate Wednesdays when the moon is full. But what that means is that the doctor I ACTUALLY see there is much more MY doctor than the other one, but I refuse to switch to him to officially be MY doctor, because then he would undoubtedly become imaginary as well. Also, he is both 1) younger than me and 2) male, which means he cannot be my doctor because he is not allowed to give me a pelvic exam, ever.] Anyway. Was I talking about something?

Oh. Right.

Off to the doctor I went. The good news is that I didn’t make him angry or somehow insult him–things that I have become prone to when dealing with my fellow humans–and he didn’t once tell me that I was failing to meet his expectations. So that was a lovely break.

The bad news is that I had to explain that I recently sustained an injury… somehow. It wasn’t logical; it doesn’t even make a good story. Because I don’t know when or where it happened. All I know is that I’ve had some pain, on and off, for a while. And now the pain has gotten worse, so I wanted to get checked.

Hey, that’s good irony: The injury? Is to my foot. And as my foot has been spending a lot of time IN MY MOUTH, I had a small giggle. Hey! I keep putting my foot in my mouth, and my foot actually HURTS! That’s… so… karmic! Or something!

Irony? Try “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?”: Guess what the not-my-doctor suspects. Go on, GUESS! Oh, I was grooving along fine on all the nifty-sounding words as he scribbled on my chart. I mean, I was still chanting “metatarsal metatarsal metatarsal” in my head when he handed me the x-ray slip.

Because he thinks I have a stress fracture.

Get that? He thinks I have a STRESS fracture. Ahahahahahahahahaaaa!

So, um, hi! My name is Mir, and I am living proof that if you keep sticking your foot in your mouth, eventually it’ll break.

Be careful out there.


  1. dave

    Mir: it hurts when I do this.
    Doctor: then stop doing that.

  2. Jenn

    I think I shall tell people I injured my feet by accidentally sticking them in my mouth. It’s a much better excuse than the real reason: I really screwed up my feet by not wearing shoes. That was a wonderful lecture from the podiatrist.

  3. Amanda B.

    I got confused somewhere around pelvic exam. :D

    I’m so sorry you hurt your foot. I hope you have a good trip, I’m sure someone will put ice on it for you!

  4. alektra

    Well, I think anyone with a broken foot has every right to be cranky and in a bad mood.

    I hope you mend quickly and take it easy. No fun shoes for a while, though!

  5. ben

    But what color were your toenails when you visited the young doctor?


    (and couldn’t it also have come from having your toes stepped on? Just wonderin.)

  6. dad

    You make me laugh at the damnedest things!
    Have a great trip and don’t put too much weight on that foot. By the way: Is it possible to incur a stress fracture from just being pissed off?

  7. Leanne

    Laughing out loud. Now I feel bad that your pain is amusing to me.

    I agree with Dave. Don’t do that.

    Have a great weekend! Get your clothes all smelly again, and put them in ziploc baggies this time. ;)

  8. Summer

    Hey, I just got my possibly-stress-fractured foot x-rayed, too! Here’s a hint from my recent experience: if anyone tells you to strip off all your clothing from the waist up, remind them that you’re there to have your FOOT x-rayed. You don’t have to take your pants off, even.

    Here’s hoping you can have fun on your trip while staying off your feet….

  9. savtadotty

    I had a stress fracture in my foot once. It hurt and then it got better and stopped hurting. I was in college at the time, and I still had to take all my exams and hand in all my papers. I hope you can do better than that with your injury. Enjoy your trip!

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