Warning: I’m about to talk about my job. Please come tell me that I will lose my job for talking about my job. Because you would totally be the first person to tell me that, and I reveal so much about my job and so flagrantly discuss in detail so many identifying characteristics of my job and also accuse my employers of eating babies. While sodomizing goats. All the time. So please come tell me I’m about to get fired. I like it.
Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh, right! My job. (Shhhhhhh.) Gosh, I love my job. I do. (Don’t forget to tell me that I can still be fired even though all I ever do is talk about how much I love my job.)
So this morning, school had a snow delay (OH MY GOD it’s almost April SO ENOUGH WITH THE SNOW, ALREADY), and I was a few minutes later than usual to the office (extra time was required to explain to the children ELEVENTY BILLION TIMES that school being delayed didn’t mean they didn’t have to go to daycare, because I still had to go to work). Not a big deal, since my normal arrival time is about two minutes after the crack of dawn. So there I was, a mere twelve minute after dawn, drinking my tea and reading my email.
And then a colleague stuck her head in my office and said, “The movers will be here around noon.”
“Uh… okay?” was what I said, I think. I mean, in my head, I said “WHAT THE HELL?” but I don’t think I said that out loud. Today.
So I went and did some checking around (translation: I walked into my boss’ office and said “MOVERS? NOON? HUH? Did you forget to TELL ME SOMETHING?”), and discovered that we were slated for a rousing game of musical offices. Wheeeeee! Near as I can figure out, it went like this:
1) I joined the company and was put into a temporary office, then…
2) … someone left the company (and I was supposed to get that person’s office)…
3) … but someone else took that person’s office…
4) … and in the meantime, it was decided that I should sit closer to my boss than the office in question…
5) … so the person next door to my boss decided to take the office in question…
6) … which booted the other person…
7) … to my current office…
8) … so that I could take the office next door to my boss.
Got that? Ooookay. (Diagrams available upon request.)
Fortunately, I haven’t been there long enough to accumulate a lot of STUFF. But around 11:30 I dutifully packed up the loose, small stuff (the movers were coming to deal with the furniture, only) and then unhooked my computer and put it somewhere that the movers wouldn’t step on it.
And then, I couldn’t do any work. But the movers hadn’t shown up. And lunch hadn’t arrived. So I figured, I will just be the pinnacle of professionalism while I am essentially marking time. Yes. As soon as I figure out how to do that.
But in the meantime, I decided to play fetch with Mountain Dog.
Have you ever heard a REALLY BIG DOG running down an office corridor, repeatedly? It’s something. I’m pretty sure everyone on my hallway hates me, now. But the lynching was narrowly averted because Mountain Dog is a sweet, wonderful, lovely, slobbery, MORON. He retrieved the ball for me twice before first just randomly charging me a couple of times and then losing interest entirely. He wandered off and lapped up an entire bowl of water (his dishes are about the same size as my ass; huge) and then flopped down on the floor. Tired out from five minutes of fetch. What a dog!
Lunch came and then the movers came. Wait, that’s wrong. “The movers” came. “The movers” were a couple of kids with matching shirts and a big roll of shrink wrap. They used the wrap on any piece of furniture that had drawers or doors, before moving it. When they started swaddling my desk with it, I pointed out that they were only taking it across the hall. Then I felt badly about that, so I continued on saying that I wanted to get me some of that wrap to use on my kids, because it seems to work really well for holding stuff in place.
“Oh, yeah,” one of the guys agreed, “just poke a few holes for some air and you’d be all set!”
“Holes? Air? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?” He didn’t talk to me any more after that. Hmph.
So, presto change-o switcheroo, and by mid-afternoon we were all settled in our new digs. My new office is much larger than my old one, and sort of… empty, by comparison. Which is fine.
Actually, I wouldn’t care if it was half the size of my previous one. Because it has a window. (My old one did not.) And that window can be OPENED. So I opened it! (Just a little… it was only about 35 degrees outside.)
I have a huge window office! How amazing is that? I sure am gonna miss it when I get fired for all my tell-all posts here on my blog.