Someone dear to me recently told me that they’re an “instant gratification” kind of person, and that I am the polar opposite.
I think the Girl Scout cookies might disagree.
But it got me thinking (oh, no! not the thinking, again!) about why that is. I’m a planner. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Pfft. If you wait long enough, that bush will be swarming with birds, ya know. Just wait. Besides, I might lunge and miss altogether, and then I’ll have no bird in hand plus all the other birds will get spooked and then I won’t even be able to pretend to believe I might have them later.
(Please, someone take this metaphor away from me before I hurt myself. Yes, bird spooking, a regular part of my day! Um. I’m so sorry you had to see that.)
I’m waiting. You’re going, and doing, and enjoying. And most of the time? I’m just waiting. I mean, sure, yes, I’m busy, absolutely. Always busy. But forgetting to experience as I go along. Carefully laying the foundation for what comes later, maybe. And when it doesn’t come, I woulda-coulda-shoulda my choices for a while and then start planning for the next thing.
I’ve written here more than once about the joy I experience from the rare times I’m able to really embrace the moment. It doesn’t happen very often. I’m downright lousy at it, if you want the truth. Because this moment, right now, it’s just a link in the chain! It’s just something to be endured on the way to The Big Goal.
Don’t ask about The Big Goal. The first rule of The Big Goal is that you do not define The Big Goal! The second rule of The Big Goal is that you do not define The Big Goal.
Yes, I probably should seek professional care. I realize that the time I tried to jump the last three steps on the basement stairs at my ninth grade boyfriend’s house and cracked my head on the crossbeam probably gave me permanent brain damage.
It’s adaptive, in a sick sort of way. Is the present moment in time getting you down? No problem! Keep your eyes on the prize, and keep going. Reached what you thought was The Goal and realize everything still sucks? No problem! Burn away those pesky hours and days agonizing over your every move that brought you here, and berating yourself for picking the wrong goal. Feeling happy? No problem! It’ll pass! And then you can get back to worrying about a day or a month or a year from now, because…
… you’re a maladapted neurotic moron. Haha!
Guess what’s even more fun than being like this. GO ON! Just GUESS! (The rusty forks in the eyeballs was a good guess, but no.) What’s even more fun than trying to plan out my entire life and micromanage my every feeling, is trying to do that when not everyone in the world operates the same way that I do. I mean really. Can you imagine? How am I supposed to live this way when surrounded by people who don’t??
I’ve gotta get myself a new crowd. Maybe I’ll make that part of The Big Goal. Ack! Oops! I mean, uh, I said, maybe I’ll snarf up a pig, whole. Cuz, uhhh, I’m really hungry. Yeah. (phew)