I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you

By Mir
February 16, 2005
Category Job? Huh?

A lot of you have been asking for more information about this job thing. Even those of you who recognize the need for some discretion have begged me to “just tell us your position” or “give us some hints at least.” And then there’s the lovely person who sent me the strangest email I’ve ever received. It suggested–amongst about a hundred other disjointed, poorly-structured, random and vaguely disturbing thoughts–that I am too “wimpy” to say what I’m doing. (I suspect the sender believes that taking their prescribed lithium is also wimpy.)

Anyway. There’s lots of compelling reasons not to go into it.

1) I found out mid-sandwich the other day that an obscure factoid about me had been passed around (with some glee, sounded like) after one of the senior staff members googled me. I don’t think my coworkers will be reading here, but I didn’t think some inconsequential thing I did a couple of years ago was going to be lunchtime fodder, either.

2) Then there’s the part about how I could tell you what my position was if I had any idea. Let’s just say I’m in a pretty unique spot, where basically they said “we need this and this for sure… and maybe this other thing, and possibly some of this other stuff, and potentially this and this and this if you’re up for it.” I keep telling people that it’s like being on The Apprentice. Every day is different. I have yet to be bored. It’s great! But very hard to describe, even if I wanted to.

3) And finally, let’s recall the main reason I blog: to complain. Work hasn’t given me anything to complain about, yet. Sad for the blog, yes, but rather better for life in general.

Anyway! Having said all that, I now offer a condensed summary of my day in a single paragraph. You can see that it’s thrilling and you’re missing out on tons with me not telling you everything:

Got to work, MountainDog* came hurtling towards me and knocked my purse out of my hand (it went flying down the hall). Sat at my computer and looked at stuff and took notes for a while. Went and sat in on a conference call. Sat at the computer some more. Left and went to the dentist for a cleaning. No cavities! Confessed I don’t floss, and was told by the hygienist that I have a guilty conscience. Dentist complimented my (unflossed) teeth. Went back to work, walked into my office, there were legs sticking out from under my desk. Jumped. Thanked owner of the legs for my new keyboard tray. Rearranged my bazillion cables and CPU so that my keyboard, on the keyboard tray, could be plugged in. Sat at the computer for a while. Went to a meeting. Discovered that lots and lots and lots of people sell anti-static bubble wrap bags (that is really fun to say over and over; try it) but they all sell them in crates of one THOUSAND. This can be problematic if you only want a hundred of them. Made some phone calls. Checked the clock. Left and picked up the kids. The end.

You totally wish you were me.

*MountainDog’s name has been changed to protect the slobbery.


  1. Heather

    I too went to the dentist and was complimented on my unflossed teeth today.

  2. Sarah

    Your job sounds exactly like mine and mine sounds exactly like every other persons’s who works in an office. I often find myself wondering if anyone is a fireman or an astronaut anymore.

  3. Kira

    You know what? I actually DID try saying “anti static bubble wrap bags” several times.
    You’re right, it is fun.

  4. Michele

    Think article I saw On World News tonight and the NYT—keep your lips glued shut.

    Complain about the rest of your life, we all know work politics–don’t need to include gossiping about work on your public blog–not a good idea.

  5. Leanne

    I’ve been mulling over your entry all night long. Pacing the floor, drinking cup after cup of coffee. Sweat dripping from my brow, and I’ve come to a very important decision.

    I’d like to buy the other 900 anti-static bubble wrap bags.

    ::PoP pOp PoP::

  6. dad

    I’m really happy for you that every day is different and you are yet to get bored.

    “Protecting the slobbery” is a noble cause. I think Buddy would like to meet your boss, aka MountainDog.

  7. ben

    And I would pay good money to watch Leanne with the bubble wrap bags.

    To quote an overexposed celebrity: “That’s hot.”

  8. Amanda B.

    You said “mid-sandwhich”. Uh huh huuh.

    Sorry…if I don’t do it who will?

  9. Coleen

    Honey, I ALWAYS wish that I were you. Heh.

  10. Amalah

    I am so off to Google you this very instant and find this obscure factoid.

    What, like I have better things to do during the workday?

Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest