Wrath of the beast

By Mir
February 15, 2005

So, uh, sorry about that entry last night. I’m having a wee little problem that sometimes occurs when your hormones are outta whack.

No, I’m not talking about the PMS-ish mood swings (many thanks and big smooches to those who were unfortunate enough to encounter me last night) or the other bizarre symptoms that the hormonal rollercoaster sometimes creates. I’m talking about the circle of hell that rhymes with beast. (Men: this is your cue to run.)

It’s been so long since I had one of those lovely episodes that I probably didn’t catch it right away. So when I did, I said to myself (“Self, I said…”) Gee, how odd. I shall swallow some of this here Diflucan and that shall be dandy! So I did.

The next morning I felt a little worse. So I had another Diflucan and went to work. Where I then spent the entire day trying not to think about the fact that I was ALL ITCHY in places that SHOULD NOT ITCH.

By the time I got home I was miserable. And I couldn’t understand why the Diflucan wasn’t working. So I checked the bottle. Hey! This stuff expired a long time ago! Ha ha! So not even a little funny!

So I called my friend the Medical Professional for sympathy and perhaps some help. “Are you sure it’s a yeast infection?” she asked. “Maybe you have a STD!” (Sweetie, if you’re reading this: you SO owe me.) As I sat there simultaneously trying not to scratch and also sending fiery rays of THAT IS NOT EVEN A LITTLE FUNNY through the phone, she scrambled to say something that was little more sensitive. I’m not sure I like her any more. (Seriously, consider grovelling.)

Anyway, I managed to get the neighbor girl over here to watch TV while the kids slept so that I could run to the pharmacy, and so I picked up a few random things as well because, well, I was there, and also I hate to check out with a single item that screams I HAVE A DISGUSTING PROBLEM RIGHT THIS MOMENT. The checkout girl started chatting with me about the design of my Discover Card, and it took every ounce of restraint I had not to tell her that I love nothing more than an inane bit of patter while I’m buying vaginal antifungals, but that I was sort of in a hurry on account of I was dangerously close to promising God that I would never ever have sex again if he would just make this go away right now, please and thank you, amen.

So, um, yeah. Yesterday was not my favorite day.

But–please read in your best Monty Python voice–“I got better!”


  1. Nancy

    There is not a woman out here who does not completely sympathize with you on this one!
    Glad your feeling better.

  2. Ben

    The catholic in me wants to just fall down laughing my ass off at all of this.

    But that wouldn’t be very nice, so I told him to shut the hell up.

    I’d say “I feel your pain” but, um, no, at the moment I don’t. So I’ll say I’m really sorry and hope things are okay now and wishing you virtual chocolate and hugs and all that good stuff.

    Okay, and a belated happy V-day. Read that however you like…

  3. Laura

    Were you whimpering “I don’t want to go on the cart!”?

  4. Robin

    Sorry… I absolutely do NOT “have better.” A beast infection on Valentines Day is the best bit of irony I’ve heard in a long time.
    And hey… shoot your friend for trying to put the ‘v’ in Vday…

  5. Alice

    Acidophilus, baby. It’s the only thing that helps me–taken in conjunction with the OTC unguents and salves and so forth. And it’s the help that keeps on helping, so you don’t have to go through that particular hell again.

  6. Amanda B.

    Ack! I am doing the special “itchy but at work” dance for you right now!

    She turned me into a Newt!!

  7. RockStar Mommy

    You. Poor. Thing.

    That is the worst. Here’s to a speedy recovery!

  8. Jules

    I’m not Catholic…but this morning I was totally LMAO about this…and came really close to making a V-Day reference… But probably because we’re getting ready to do a production of the vagina monologues in a few weeks (remind me to show you some links later)….and none of this was I going to admit to…until about 20 minutes ago when I starteing having…uhhmmm..sympathy pains… yeah that is it…so I had to come apologize for something you didn’t even know about but the guilt is making me…uhhmm squirm! Yes that’s it….

    ….and also I’ve had TONS of sleep AND coffee…betcha can’t tell :)


  9. Katie

    Ack! How totally rotten is that? Sending “get better!” vibes and throwing a shoe at Ben for ya. hehe

  10. Shiz


    Damn that circle of hell.

    Circle of Hell, I damn thee!

  11. call me scarlett

    The only thing worse than a yeast infection is when you have a bladder infection and the male doctor and your husband are saying things like, “What, don’t you just have to pee a lot?” and “Do you really need a prescription for pain? and don’t forget the ole “You don’t want to have sex?”

  12. janie

    hyphae hurts? thank gooness monistat is OTC. ( clapping for the FDA on that one )

  13. Crystal

    For all of the horrible things I’ve gone through, I thank my lucky stars I’ve never been subjected to that particular female crisis. I’m glad you are feeling better, because there is no nice way to discreetly scratch *that* itch.

  14. Leanne

    Part of me wants to send get well wishes, because, well, I care.

    The other part of me, the not-so-nice-to-men part, wants to advise you to immediately stop using any possible cure, and BE A MAN! Be free to scratch that itch in public, out there for all to see and accept. Who cares if it’s completely disgusting? While you’re at it, could you bare some buttcrack? And belch. That’ll show ’em!!!

    Hey if they can do it, why can’t we? It sucks that we have to have something clinically wrong with us and THEN feel ashamed to do something that the opposite sex can do without a second thought.

    Back to the better, more sane part of me, I do hope you have a very quick recovery. :D

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