I’ve changed a lot in my years on this planet. The woman I am today is different than the woman I was twenty or ten or even five years ago. People grow; priorities shift, we (hopefully!) mature into finding the things that really matter to us. Some things, of course, stay more or less the same.
I still love chocolate; always have, always will.
I still love singing, being outdoors, making people laugh; all constants from my earliest days.
And I am still just about impossible to please.
It’s not so much that I am never happy as that it is very difficult for me to relax into happiness for any length of time. I am suspicious of it. I mistrust anything that smacks of contentment. Pockets of happiness, sure! There are always pieces of joy to be grabbed here and there in even the most challenging of situations, I find. But overall complacency; it’s not for me.
Needless to say, my friends and family are so lucky to have me!
2005 has all the earmarks of being a year of real turnaround for me. So much of what has been missing from my life lately is slowly falling into place. The kids are doing great. My ex and I are pretty much getting along. Activities that are important to me I’ve either continued or pursued anew, and I feel like I’m so lucky to have so much in my life right now. I’m about to start the new job for which I prayed for over a year. Friendships that are important to me have blossomed, and people whom I felt were weighing me down have been moved out of my life in appropriate ways. Plus, my floors are clean! I mean, really, my life is hovering near perfection.
I’m a wreck, of course.
I’m up and down and energized and exhausted and happy and sad and EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME. Yes, EVEN YOU. Jerk. Except that I love you all. When you’re not making me cry. Why do you DO that??
Ahem. Getting the drift?
Several of my dreams are morphing into reality and my system is on overload. It’s time to fish or cut bait: learn how to accept the blessings of my life with grace, or sabotage that which is most dear to me. My history of sabotage is more extensive than I’d like to admit. (Dad, you are SO not allowed to say ONE WORD about that.)
So. Now I wish for the courage to live in the moment. Without fear. (And without valium. Is that fair, I ask you?) I don’t know what it’s like on the other side… but I’d love to find out.