I’ve changed a lot in my years on this planet. The woman I am today is different than the woman I was twenty or ten or even five years ago. People grow; priorities shift, we (hopefully!) mature into finding the things that really matter to us. Some things, of course, stay more or less the same.
I still love chocolate; always have, always will.
I still love singing, being outdoors, making people laugh; all constants from my earliest days.
And I am still just about impossible to please.
It’s not so much that I am never happy as that it is very difficult for me to relax into happiness for any length of time. I am suspicious of it. I mistrust anything that smacks of contentment. Pockets of happiness, sure! There are always pieces of joy to be grabbed here and there in even the most challenging of situations, I find. But overall complacency; it’s not for me.
Needless to say, my friends and family are so lucky to have me!
2005 has all the earmarks of being a year of real turnaround for me. So much of what has been missing from my life lately is slowly falling into place. The kids are doing great. My ex and I are pretty much getting along. Activities that are important to me I’ve either continued or pursued anew, and I feel like I’m so lucky to have so much in my life right now. I’m about to start the new job for which I prayed for over a year. Friendships that are important to me have blossomed, and people whom I felt were weighing me down have been moved out of my life in appropriate ways. Plus, my floors are clean! I mean, really, my life is hovering near perfection.
I’m a wreck, of course.
I’m up and down and energized and exhausted and happy and sad and EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME. Yes, EVEN YOU. Jerk. Except that I love you all. When you’re not making me cry. Why do you DO that??
Ahem. Getting the drift?
Several of my dreams are morphing into reality and my system is on overload. It’s time to fish or cut bait: learn how to accept the blessings of my life with grace, or sabotage that which is most dear to me. My history of sabotage is more extensive than I’d like to admit. (Dad, you are SO not allowed to say ONE WORD about that.)
So. Now I wish for the courage to live in the moment. Without fear. (And without valium. Is that fair, I ask you?) I don’t know what it’s like on the other side… but I’d love to find out.
I may have spotted a spelling error. Don’t you mean ‘hoovering near perfection’?
Just kidding. I hear ya. I really do. Scary business moving on.
i’m not there yet.
Apparently you and my husband were separated at birth. If you ever get ahold of the happiness thing, let me know, I need to pass it along.
i always try to remind myself that, according to james taylor, “the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time”
but make sure you live in the moment while you’re doing it- ummm why is this so hard?! i love to make plans, plans, plans for things and often find myself occupying my present with basically looking forward to the future. why can’t i be satisfied with everything as it is RIGHT NOW?!
so, i totally hear ya on this one.
Hmmmm. This sounds familiar. Could it be that I am guilty of the same behavior from time to time?
When I am scared I act like a looneybird. Seriously, it is not pretty. Am I thinking about faith in that moment. Heck no! I’m thinking, how do I bail fast enough to get outta this!!
I’m nuts. But oh well. I’m lovable too. And so are you.
Oh, honey. Accept with grace – and gratitude! Why anger the Karmic Wheel? :)
I think you can do it. It’s scary to accept the success, the love, the good times. But I must say it sure seems like it could be all worth it. Big hugs your way.
What do you mean I’m not allowed to say ONE WORD about this? How about a paragraph, or a short essay, or a definitive tome?
Those might be possible, and deserved if I wasn’t kvelling so much about your growth. And while your basking in all this realization, take some time to really enjoy it. You deserve that too.
Change…both the good and the bad is horribly terrifying. It’s human nature to get edgy, nervous, break out in hives, swallow valium, vomit uncontrollably ect. when life throws you a change. wha…? You don’t do those things? uh. neither do I, i’m just sayin.
I think you’ve touched on the one thing that everyone I’ve ever met wants. I know I have the same problem – I can’t seem to enjoy the good things that happen to me. I dwell on the bad. I’ve done it all of my life.
I really hope you can do this, it really is the key to happiness. Not a new job, or money, or possessions – just being alive. When it happens, let me in on your secret.
Right now, the Big Guy upstairs is looking down at you, harumpfing his shoulders, shaking his head and saying “MIR! CHILL!”
Really. Good things are just that, good. Sometimes they’re even great, and that’s exactly that, GREAT! So enjoy the good, wallow in the great, and if something bad gets stuck between your teeth just pick it out and say “eh, that was irritating”. And there you have it, the key to happiness and living in the moment. ;)
It sounds a lot like how I approach the blessings in my life at times. I have so much to be thankful for right now, so therefore something will come up to change it all!!
I could make the Olympic Fretting Team without breaking a sweat.
Let me know how this LIVING IN THE MOMENT thing goes — blog your progress. If you learn to do, I will cover my walls with posters of you and make you my new role model!
I do the exact same thing, Mir. Now that I got good grades? TWICE as freaked. Not kidding.
My mother would tell you what she’s told me a zillion times – to shut up and be happy. But none of us would forgive you if you actually shut up, so instead, could you just be happy AND keep talking so much? We’d really appreciate it.