By Mir
January 29, 2005

No, I did not buy the $96 purse. In fact, I giggled myself silly and the shoppers around me moved a little further away, with looks of mixed disdain and fear while they did so.

(Dad, stop reading now. You’ve been warned. Turn back. The rest is boring, anyway.)

In my next life, I would like to be a man. For many reasons. Not the least of which is that men can shop for underwear and easily choose from three different options. Boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs. Easy. Straightforward. Does not induce headaches.

Yesterday, I did some shopping. Because I like to shop. And because after buying the uber-sexy Hoover Floormate I had an important epiphany, and it was this: I have a JOB. I can have clean floors AND lingerie! I want it all, baybee!

So a-shopping I did go. And I found myself face to face with a gigundous rack of clearance panties. (How many google hits will I now be getting for “gigundous rack” do you suppose?) I flipped through the myriad of choices.

Thongs. A necessary evil, in my opinion. Some outfits demand them. It’s never going to be my first choice for comfort, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

Brief. Two words: granny panty. Nuff said.

French cut. For women who are trying to believe that their briefs aren’t granny panties because they’re cut a little higher on the leg.

Bikini. This used to be my main choice, and was a simple selection. A bikini was… well… a bikini! Sits low on the hips, cut high on the leg; comfortable but sufficiently skimpy.

Boyleg (see also: Hipster). It turns out that this comes in several varieties. Lowrise boyleg? Hot. And oh-so-comfy. Rivaling bikinis for my current faves. Brief boyleg? Granny panties. And then there’s something that looks like a tube-top for a midget (which probably has its own name) which is the world’s weirdest undergarment. I don’t know who wears those. Probably women with no actual ass cheeks.

Flutterkini. Um, yeah. Looks good on the floor. Not suitable for wear under actual clothing.

Tanga. I still don’t really understand what this is. Somewhere between a bikini and a thong, I think. (You know where this is going, right?)

I spent half an hour going through this rack and made my selections: First, a beautiful thong. Because I am a moron, and no matter how many times I am forced to confront the reality that it is never going to be comfortable to have floss wedged in my rear, hope springs moronic and eternal that I will find the thong that won’t feel like a perma-wedgie. Next, I chose what I thought were some very lovely bikinis. Only it turns out that they aren’t bikinis, they’re tangas. And I am just not sure what I think of this.

On the one hand, if they tackle the panty line issue and mean that I no longer need to don thongs, I’m all for it. On the other hand, I think they look a little bit like I bought bikinis that are too small. Let’s face it: as a woman, I’m not gonna jump for joy over anything that leaves one of my least-favorite body parts hanging out.

So I shall turn to you–several dozen of my very closest friends–for advice. What say you? Tanga, yay or nay? Sexy, or strange? Discuss.

Also, do these make my butt look big?


  1. dave

    We need “visual aids” in order to make an educated decision. C’mon Mir, post 8 pics (the 7 panty varieties, plus “commando”)of your “least-favorite body part” in your favorite jeans for the internet to enjoy.


  2. Jenny

    I still sigh longingly for my maternity spanky pants… squishy, giant, white pulled up to my neck cotton…

    But if pantylines are a factor, I’m most likely to go commando. I’m not going to subject myself to a thong unless someone else is going to enjoy the effect.

  3. joshilyn

    WTH is a tanga? I am so far behind the panty-revolution I never even HEARD of such. I say go for cotton low-rise briefs (see also hipster) and Jockey for her microfiber bikini briefs when LINE is an issue. THE END.

  4. Mary

    Like Jenny, I also refuse to subject myself to the thong, though I won’t go commando. I found some hipster bikini something or others at the Gap that somehow miraculously do not create a line. Of course they don’t carry them anymore, because that would make my life easier and more comfortable, and what retailer wants to make life easier and more comfortable for others? NONE! They want to get all your money by forcing you to buy twelve gazillion pairs of panties, just trying to find the ones that are like the ones that you have already that they don’t make anymore.

  5. alektra

    I just think it’s adorable that you warn your dad about your posts.

    As for underwear: The Boy once bought me thongs (he was with one of our goofier guy-friends) and I slowly, quietly destroyed them. I just don’t find it attractive to pull a string from your ass over and over again….

  6. Heather

    I say forgo the garment entirely. You’ll be much more comfortable and, slightly, richer.

  7. Suzanne

    I’m the only woman who likes thongs? I guess it’s because if I wear a bikini, it inevitably ends up in a wad like a wedgie, so the thong solves the whole problem of bundled extra. Tanga’s are favored by our beautiful brazillian counterparts who don’t want full coverage. My experience? Still ends up in a wad. Cute little lacy boyshorts…awesome, and my choice for sleeping attire, but show to much under clothes. Let’s not even start with the many forms of bras!! sheesh!

  8. Amanda B.

    I can under no circumstances do the thong. They drive me insane. They awaken in me the same OCD reaction I have after I leave the house. “Did I turn the iron off. Yes. I did. Didn’t I. I’m sure that I did.”

    With a thong it’s more like, “That string is supposed to be there. Is it? Yes. You’ll get used to it. Will I? I want it to be out of there I feel violated. No. Hush. It’s supposed to be there. Are you sure?….”

  9. Jenny

    It would seem that I’m the odd man out on this issue (as usual, I might add). I LOVE thongs. I look for the ones that are really stretchy, soft, thin and never EVER buy a thong that is too small. OUCH.

    I will also add, that I’m very sporadic on this issue. I have panties of all varieties and 75% of the time I go commando. That’s the gemini talking.

  10. Bob

    I will admit that I am vastly relieved at not having to pick a type of underwear. There usually isn’t a choice to be made as most men wear what their fathers wore. I am also the typical male in that I go to the store, go directly to what I want, pay for it and leave. I have had to develop a goodly amount of patience when accompanying my wife when she shops for clothes. That being said, I do admire the choices you (females of the species) make in this area, but in the final analysis I am much more interested in the contents, not the wrapping.

    As for whether they make your butt look big or not, just remember the immortal words of the poet Sir Mix-A-Lot in the cultural classic Baby’s Got Back. big is in.

  11. Bob

    I DO NOT wear my dad’s underpants. I DO wear the same kind of underpants.

    just in case you were wondering.

    I’m not that kind of perv.

    I’m the other kind.

  12. dad

    I must admit I feel woefully inadequate weighing in on this heavy and important subject. So I won’t. As a member of the other gender it has always been simple: boxers or briefs. I seem to remember a summer where you favored boxers.

    Incidently, I react to your warnings to read no further with morbid curiosity and always continue with great interest and zeal.

  13. carolyn

    Oh my God Mir, your Dad is so CUTE!!

  14. jilbur

    a thong that feels like a wedgie is a thong that does not fit.

    continuing with the aspect of this post that is less appealing to the boys in the room: there’s only one circumstance that makes the choice of a thong less appealing, and I’m going to go against character and be just a tad less vulgar than usual. Let’s just say that the idea of the ‘thong pantyliner’ is inspired, but the reality of it is inadequate.

  15. dave

    Hooray for the courage of your dad; reading on where others would fear to tread. (Reminds me of a photo taken of my dad standing on a lake next to a “Thin Ice” sign.)

  16. Fraulein N

    I always thought the tanga was just something Victoria’s Secret made up. Hm. I will not be wearing thongs or going commando, but your description of women who wear French cut? Me to a tee. Hee.

  17. RockStar Mommy

    I only wear hipsters. I just won’t sacrafice comfort in the name of invisible panty lines. I’d rather go commando than wear a thong – they scare the daylights out of me.

  18. Crystal

    Personally I favor VS Pink Collection cotton thongs. Very comfy. Tangas seem like a wedgie waiting to happen… and wegies suck. I nix any tangas, either go for seamless bikinis or thongs to avoid pantie lines, and forget the rest!

  19. Colleen

    I like the tange and will wear them if I think they’ll be seen, simply because they make my ass look fab. But I am normally a bikini for comfort kinda girl. However, I just bought a V string at VS and it’s like a thong mated with a g string. Quite comfy under the jeans today.

  20. panajane

    Well, maybe I’m the weird one, but I love thongs. If they’re a good pair of thongs you won’t even feel it there. On the other hand, boycuts I can always feel and they end up bunching up on my legs when I wear jeans. Tanga’s are uncomfortable to me. They bunch up and are a weird cross between a bikini with a thong. Like, your ass cheeks hang out, but not as much as they would with a thing. Odd.

    P.s. A good thing to look for in a thong is a very thin back strip. The thinner it is the less you feel it.

  21. chris

    I have never even heard of a tanga before, guess I am out of touch in the world of undergarments. Either that or I have seen them and thought they were just tiny bikinis.

    And no thongs here either, I go commando if underwear lines will be an issue.

  22. Kris

    I was surprised, but I like thongs. Only the all-cotton ones from the Gap, though.

    Congrats on the job, BTW!

  23. Mirella

    I love thongs. The BEST are Hanky Panky low-rise (style number 4911). They are one size fits all (don’t ask me how) but they fit beautifully and don’t move around on you. They are pricey for undies, but if you take good care of them (don’t put them in the dryer because that weakens the elastic or something like that) one pair will outlast 10 from Victoria’s Secret.

    Tangas bisect my asscheeks horizontally, and I think that is a bad thing. But maybe I was not wearing them properly.

  24. Mamacita

    A thong? You mean, one of those store-bought wedgies? Floss for the ass-crack? No, thanks. If I want a wedgie, I’ll ride in the elevator between eleven and noon at the college. And floss is for teeth. NOT interchangeable, even in concept. Gross.

  25. SpaceCase

    Is it weird that despite all of the talk about undies, I’m really really curious how the uber-sexy Hoover Floormate worked out for you?

  26. Heather

    I love my thongs. I also just bought a white lace tanga, and it feels inordinately bridal which amuses me.

  27. Melissa

    It might be a bit late for this one but I really like tangas. They have no panty line but also manage to cover my hips in a way that most thongs can’t. I feel like they are win-win and very comfy.

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