No, I did not buy the $96 purse. In fact, I giggled myself silly and the shoppers around me moved a little further away, with looks of mixed disdain and fear while they did so.
(Dad, stop reading now. You’ve been warned. Turn back. The rest is boring, anyway.)
In my next life, I would like to be a man. For many reasons. Not the least of which is that men can shop for underwear and easily choose from three different options. Boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs. Easy. Straightforward. Does not induce headaches.
Yesterday, I did some shopping. Because I like to shop. And because after buying the uber-sexy Hoover Floormate I had an important epiphany, and it was this: I have a JOB. I can have clean floors AND lingerie! I want it all, baybee!
So a-shopping I did go. And I found myself face to face with a gigundous rack of clearance panties. (How many google hits will I now be getting for “gigundous rack” do you suppose?) I flipped through the myriad of choices.
Thongs. A necessary evil, in my opinion. Some outfits demand them. It’s never going to be my first choice for comfort, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
Brief. Two words: granny panty. Nuff said.
French cut. For women who are trying to believe that their briefs aren’t granny panties because they’re cut a little higher on the leg.
Bikini. This used to be my main choice, and was a simple selection. A bikini was… well… a bikini! Sits low on the hips, cut high on the leg; comfortable but sufficiently skimpy.
Boyleg (see also: Hipster). It turns out that this comes in several varieties. Lowrise boyleg? Hot. And oh-so-comfy. Rivaling bikinis for my current faves. Brief boyleg? Granny panties. And then there’s something that looks like a tube-top for a midget (which probably has its own name) which is the world’s weirdest undergarment. I don’t know who wears those. Probably women with no actual ass cheeks.
Flutterkini. Um, yeah. Looks good on the floor. Not suitable for wear under actual clothing.
Tanga. I still don’t really understand what this is. Somewhere between a bikini and a thong, I think. (You know where this is going, right?)
I spent half an hour going through this rack and made my selections: First, a beautiful thong. Because I am a moron, and no matter how many times I am forced to confront the reality that it is never going to be comfortable to have floss wedged in my rear, hope springs moronic and eternal that I will find the thong that won’t feel like a perma-wedgie. Next, I chose what I thought were some very lovely bikinis. Only it turns out that they aren’t bikinis, they’re tangas. And I am just not sure what I think of this.
On the one hand, if they tackle the panty line issue and mean that I no longer need to don thongs, I’m all for it. On the other hand, I think they look a little bit like I bought bikinis that are too small. Let’s face it: as a woman, I’m not gonna jump for joy over anything that leaves one of my least-favorite body parts hanging out.
So I shall turn to you–several dozen of my very closest friends–for advice. What say you? Tanga, yay or nay? Sexy, or strange? Discuss.
Also, do these make my butt look big?