So, yesterday, I valiantly braved the storm. No, not the storm outside. The storm inside. The storm of Two Children Who Are Bored. They really needed to go outside and run off some of their energy, but given the whole icy pellets causing bleeding eyelids thing, I decided to keep them in. They bounced off the walls and they bounced off the ceiling and they bounced off each other and then screamed that they’d been TOUCHED and I should make the offender DIE FOR THEIR SINS and being the fabulous mother than I am, I turned up the volume on the television.
I tried to start getting ready for tomorrow’s party, but it was pointless. I’d clear off the table, say, and then head upstairs for something. By the time I came back? An entirely new Very Important Project would be spread from end to end where there had once been a clean surface. So I gave up. I would have plenty of time today while the kids were out to get things ready. Right? Ha. Ha ha ha.
So instead of cleaning and baking and stuffing party bags, I played with the kids and blogged and looked for a job and blogged and cleared the driveway and blogged. And also, sliced my thumb off.
I’m still not entirely sure why or how it happened. Things were calm; I had finished clearing the driveway and the kids were watching a movie and I decided to start fixing them some dinner. We have these divided dishes which are wonderful for serving kids’ meals in; they keep the foods from touching one another, which we all know is key. It also gives me a handy reminder to serve at least 3 different types of food. I’d filled the main section with chicken, one of the smaller ones with salad, and decided to cut up a pear for the last compartment.
I have one of these doohickeys. Well, it’s a lot like that one, except mine has a metal blade embedded in a plastic ring with handles. Anyway, I selected a pear, washed it, and attempted to slice and core it with the doohickey.
Here’s how it’s supposed to work: You press down on the doohickey, and the pear magically divides into pretty slices.
Here’s what happened last night: I pressed down on the doohickey, and it got stuck for some reason. The pear wasn’t as ripe as I’d thought. Well, no problem! I’d press a little harder! So I did, and then the metal blade separated itself from the plastic ring, and as my hands–holding the plastic ring–smashed downwards from the sudden release of resistance, I discovered that I still did not have a pear in pretty slices.
What I had, was a metal blade lodged halfway deep in the pear. And also part of that blade was wedged in the thumb of my right hand.
It was one of those injuries that prompts an out-of-body experience. I was standing there next to myself, more quizzical than alarmed, tapping myself on the shoulder and whispering, “You seem to have a sharp metal doohickey lodged in your hand. I’m guessing that in a minute that’s really going to smart. But right now, it’s really quite something to look at!”
My out-of-body self was kind enough to assist me in grabbing a kitchen towel to wedge in my mouth. Thus buffered, I removed the slicer from my hand and clamped my teeth on the towel while I rinsed the wound under the faucet. Then I wrapped it up in another towel, checked to make sure the children were glued to the television, and ran upstairs.
I was able to get it to mostly stop bleeding before the kids came looking for me, so I figured it’s okay. It’s a pretty unpleasant place to have a deep cut. Did I mention it’s my right hand? I’m right-handed, of course.
It’s a good thing that all I needed to do today was clean the house and bake a cake and decorate a cake and stuff goodie bags and make capes and lots of other things that I totally don’t need my dominant hand for! Hahahaha!! The design of Monkey’s cake just went from a montage of Justice League characters to a single Superman emblem featuring Monkey’s initial rather than an S. But I am going to need quite a lot of alcohol before I’m able to do even that.
But I will get it all done! I will! Amputation or no, with God as my witness, there will be a rocking party here tomorrow!
I’m thinking of creating a new category specifically for posts my (grown) children will need to read before making a decision about placing me in a home. Just trying to plan ahead.
Those ‘out of body – crisis version’ selves are really useful in an emergency aren’t they??
Just so long as they don’t get mixed up with the ‘out of body – 2 glasses of wine version’ selves… which can lead us into … the situations where we need the crisis versions…
I am getting into the wine version, currently…
Oh, man that hurts.
I’m one of those people gifted (?) with a vasal-vagal reaction.
You know, see blood / pass out?
So my out of body experiences are often the result of striking my head on something hard. Sometimes I don’t even need to actually see the blood to have these reactions. Just reading about it can cause one.
(yes, I’m still here)
I’ve been training myself to get better, and it’s working. Having kids helps.
See how I can turn this into All About Me? Dang. You shouldn’t let me comment on your blog.
Anyway, I really hope your feeling better soon. That’s gonna smart. A lot.
OUCH! I have a white slicer thingie of my own and I will wtch it carefully next time I use it.
I’m de-lurking today cause I have an idea for you:
The capes are going to be a problem. Do you have a Michaels craft store or a local Ben Franklin (do they still have those?) or a Hobby Lobby? Go get some felt (buy the bigger rectangles) or use fleece (requires no sewing and it won’t fray), some ribbon, and some safety pins. Cut the felt/fleece into vaguely triangle shapes, pin (or glue) a ribbon onto it for a tie and you are done. Heck, use a hole punch to punch holes in the corners of it and tie the ribbons to it. SO MUCH less work.
I’ve been cut in the area you describe. it HURTS. Heal fast!
I love it! You make motherhood look so challenging!
I’m so sorry about your hand. You are so courageous to have hidden it from your children. I would have been running around, spurting blood and screaming, seeing my life flash before my eyes!
Hope you’re feeling better soon!
PS. I once stuck my hand in to a deep fryer on accident (when I was a waitress at a Catfish house.) So don’t feel bad.
Ouch! I was wincing in pain here. Be sure to use lots of neosporin-it really does help. There is a pain reliever in the ointment and also helps it heal better with less of a scar!
I hope you’re up-to-date on tetanus? When I cut myself (on a kitchen knife cutting onions) 3 years ago, they gave me a tetanus booster at the hospital. We need em every ten years, girl.
Throw out that slicer doohickey! I did the same thing with mine when it was melodramatically unable to distinguish between my thumb and an apple. The original slicer doohickeys were much better-made (when I was a girl), of thicker stainless steel, more strongly fitted together, and sharper-bladed, so this sort of thing didn’t happen. They also cost more and were harder to find in stores. So there. Harumph. And we only had iodine, which hurt more than today’s stuff.
Ouch, that smarts! Hope you survive tomorrow.
Oooooooh, that SUCKS! That’s it, you get Scott for sure.
Wow! You are SOO good with the descriptions! I had to wince! Annnd, now I know why I was in a place with lots of white fog every time I gave birth, haha! You know, you made me feel nostalgic for my green glass divided plate that I had when I was little. Wish I still had it….I wish you a speedy recovery.
You don’t make motherhood look challenging (because, heck, it seems like it IS challenging from anyone I’ve talked to), but you sure do make your successes at being an awesome mom amusing.
Ow! My hand is hurting for you right now. I have a vasal-vagal reaction too. Not fun.
So, are parents coming to this party? Because if not — well, you’ll have more work wrangling those kids solo, but you also needn’t worry about making the house look too nice. Just give ’em some sugar and stand back.
Can I kiss it and make it feel better?
Ouch! Your poor thing! Someone I know sliced off the top of his finger! Ouch too! I hope your thumb heals well!
Oh my Gosh. Ouch, just ouch! I hope it heals quickly is all I can think to say. :(
My wife and I were browsing Blog Explosion and saw your banner and we fell in love with your blog. We’ll be bacK!! We laughed so hard we had tears.
As parents to four we can sooooooo relate.
I would have responded to your dilema much sooner but part way through your extraordinary description I seem to have become unconscious. Surprise.
My suggestion is that you get rid of that whatchamicallit!
Hope everything grows back OK and that you get to enjoy the birthday party.