So, yesterday, I valiantly braved the storm. No, not the storm outside. The storm inside. The storm of Two Children Who Are Bored. They really needed to go outside and run off some of their energy, but given the whole icy pellets causing bleeding eyelids thing, I decided to keep them in. They bounced off the walls and they bounced off the ceiling and they bounced off each other and then screamed that they’d been TOUCHED and I should make the offender DIE FOR THEIR SINS and being the fabulous mother than I am, I turned up the volume on the television.
I tried to start getting ready for tomorrow’s party, but it was pointless. I’d clear off the table, say, and then head upstairs for something. By the time I came back? An entirely new Very Important Project would be spread from end to end where there had once been a clean surface. So I gave up. I would have plenty of time today while the kids were out to get things ready. Right? Ha. Ha ha ha.
So instead of cleaning and baking and stuffing party bags, I played with the kids and blogged and looked for a job and blogged and cleared the driveway and blogged. And also, sliced my thumb off.
I’m still not entirely sure why or how it happened. Things were calm; I had finished clearing the driveway and the kids were watching a movie and I decided to start fixing them some dinner. We have these divided dishes which are wonderful for serving kids’ meals in; they keep the foods from touching one another, which we all know is key. It also gives me a handy reminder to serve at least 3 different types of food. I’d filled the main section with chicken, one of the smaller ones with salad, and decided to cut up a pear for the last compartment.
I have one of these doohickeys. Well, it’s a lot like that one, except mine has a metal blade embedded in a plastic ring with handles. Anyway, I selected a pear, washed it, and attempted to slice and core it with the doohickey.
Here’s how it’s supposed to work: You press down on the doohickey, and the pear magically divides into pretty slices.
Here’s what happened last night: I pressed down on the doohickey, and it got stuck for some reason. The pear wasn’t as ripe as I’d thought. Well, no problem! I’d press a little harder! So I did, and then the metal blade separated itself from the plastic ring, and as my hands–holding the plastic ring–smashed downwards from the sudden release of resistance, I discovered that I still did not have a pear in pretty slices.
What I had, was a metal blade lodged halfway deep in the pear. And also part of that blade was wedged in the thumb of my right hand.
It was one of those injuries that prompts an out-of-body experience. I was standing there next to myself, more quizzical than alarmed, tapping myself on the shoulder and whispering, “You seem to have a sharp metal doohickey lodged in your hand. I’m guessing that in a minute that’s really going to smart. But right now, it’s really quite something to look at!”
My out-of-body self was kind enough to assist me in grabbing a kitchen towel to wedge in my mouth. Thus buffered, I removed the slicer from my hand and clamped my teeth on the towel while I rinsed the wound under the faucet. Then I wrapped it up in another towel, checked to make sure the children were glued to the television, and ran upstairs.
I was able to get it to mostly stop bleeding before the kids came looking for me, so I figured it’s okay. It’s a pretty unpleasant place to have a deep cut. Did I mention it’s my right hand? I’m right-handed, of course.
It’s a good thing that all I needed to do today was clean the house and bake a cake and decorate a cake and stuff goodie bags and make capes and lots of other things that I totally don’t need my dominant hand for! Hahahaha!! The design of Monkey’s cake just went from a montage of Justice League characters to a single Superman emblem featuring Monkey’s initial rather than an S. But I am going to need quite a lot of alcohol before I’m able to do even that.
But I will get it all done! I will! Amputation or no, with God as my witness, there will be a rocking party here tomorrow!
I’m thinking of creating a new category specifically for posts my (grown) children will need to read before making a decision about placing me in a home. Just trying to plan ahead.