I will exercise until my ass and thighs no longer jiggle like a bowlful of jelly when I walk, or until I get tired and need to lie down.

Please stay by your phones. I am headed upstairs to remove my wardrobe from the elliptical trainer, watch reruns of “Little House on the Prairie” on the Hallmark Channel (they’re actually great for exercising; it’s hard to wimp out while watching a little girl rescue her entire family from a flood or build a house out of logs ya know), and ride like the wind to… nowhere. If I’m not back in an hour, please call 911. And send coffee.