Grocery beatitudes

By Mir
September 29, 2004
Category Detritus

Blessed are the “Shopper’s Club” specials: for they shall fill thy freezer and pantry.

Blessed is the glorious crockpot: for it shall prepare delicious meals with minimal effort.

Blessed are the children who will refuse to eat the bounty of the crockpot: for they are cute and therefore shall not be slain.

Blessed are the toaster pastries: for they shall sustain The Child That Never Eats.

Blessed are the hurricane-ravaged groves of Florida: for they shall raise the price of orange juice and vex the nations.

Blessed are the multigrain rice cakes: for they are cheap and give the illusion of providing healthy snacks for the little children.

Blessed is the salad that comes in a bag: for it shall be tossed with the snip of the scissors.

Blessed are the large brown eggs: for brown eggs are local eggs and local eggs are fresh. (You’re welcome for sticking that commercial jingle into your brain.)

Blessed is the cheerful cashier: for she shall punch three $25 spots on thy rewards booklet even though thou only purchased $63 of groceries.

Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for the children still will refuse to eat: but now there is a vast array of sustenance for them to abhor.


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