I don’t know why I didn’t put it all together, sooner. The answer has been right under my nose all along! Actually, right on my toes.

Part of my employment woes, you know, are that I don’t want to return to the sort of job I used to hold. And I’m having some difficulty convincing potential employers of my credibility for other sorts of jobs, the types of which usually require extensive previous experience. But now I know what job is calling my name and I will have no trouble breaking into, on account of my undeniable talent in this area.

I’m gonna be a… a… what the hell are those people called? I’m gonna be one of those people who name nailpolish colors!

The idea took shape in this way: I was doing my toenails, earlier; taking off the old polish and applying the new. And as I perused my rather impressive assortment of polishes, I realized that the colors I favored last season and the ones I typically reach for, now, are very different. How so, you ask? Well it’s really quite the delineation.

Last year, I wore the following: Ink Chrome, Pink Chrome, Think Pink, Bronzeberry.
This year, I have consistently reached for: Diamonds, Twilighting, Purplexed, Techno.

Now you may be thinking, surely the difference is based on color palette, somehow. Perhaps I have adjusted my tastes to suit this season’s hottest styles. Well, that would be a logical thing to think, I suppose, if I wasn’t sitting here in clothes I purchased ten years ago. Fads, schmads, I say. I am not motivated by “the latest thing” very often. No, my friends. The difference lays not in the colors, but in the monikers.

That’s right. Bombastic is the new black, ladies!

And who better to name a bunch of nailpolishes in obtuse and specious ways than yours truly? That’s right! No one! Because I? Eat words for breakfast! No, not Alpha-Bits. I meant… oh shut up.

I was born to take this industry by storm. I’m very excited about it.

Look again at the polish names I listed earlier. In last year’s list, I’m betting you can read the names and know what colors you’re getting. In the second list–with the possible exception of Purplexed, which is excused on account of being such a cute and adorable play on words–I daresay the average human would have no idea what colors are denoted. And therein lies the beauty of it all.

Diamonds? Kind of a peachy rust color. Twilighting? Silver sparkle with a hint of lavender. Purplexed, yes, is purple; but the darkest purple possible, kind of an oil-prism-in-a-puddle dark. And Techno is light green. Of course.

I am bursting with ideas for next season’s hottest colors. I’d love to share them all, but I can’t divulge all of my secrets, you know, because of copyright considerations. Also, outstanding warrants. But anyway. I can share a chosen few if you promise to keep it under your hats. Do you feel all warm and fuzzy now?

First, I will find just the right color to dub Conflagration. Oh yes. Next? Just wait til everyone is wearing Frenetic. Uh huh. But all the ladies on the catwalk will be sporting Clandestiny! (See how I brilliantly merge ‘clandestine’ and ‘destiny’ for that one? Sometimes I astound even myself.)

Best of all? While my new vocation will bring me fame, fortune, and oodles of money, it should still leave me with ample time to blog. And paint my toenails.