Even a really fulfilling Target run can only carry a girl so far.

Is the entire world populated with idiots, or do they just all congregate in Human Resources? I know some perfectly nice, decent human beings who work in HR. But I am beginning to suspect that they really don’t; like maybe they made it up and are really drug runners, or something, because the level of pure imbecility I’m encountering in my job search is astonishing.

I just received an email from Big Company regarding my application for employment. I’ve left so many messages for my contact, I assumed that this was a message in response, or–at the very least–some sort of information-bearing missive. But I was wrong, because this email was a form letter to me and everyone else who interviewed there on September 1st. This mail states, among other things, that they’ve had so many interviews it will naturally take them a couple of weeks to sort through everything.

My math skills aren’t fabulous, but hasn’t it already been a couple of weeks?

I know, I know; I should take this as good news. It means I’m not out of the running, yet. But come on, people! Don’t refuse to return contact for two and a half weeks and then send along a cheery note about how you’re working really hard and please stay tuned. For one thing, we all know that stack of resumes has been sitting on the corner of your desk, untouched, while you spent an entire week on the phone trying to arrange for flavored coffee in the breakroom. And for another thing, signing off with “Please do not respond to this message!” kinda negates the warmth and fuzziness you were attempting to convey.

Other job-related things that are pissing me off today:

Spelling: You want me to work for you? Try to convince me that you’re at least a high school graduate in possession of a spell check program. Don’t typo all over your listing and expect me to be impressed.

Mystery: There is a time and a place for being vague. Your job ad is neither the time nor the place. If you don’t list the actual position and/or locale, I am going to assume your operation is sleazy and the responsibilities therein unsavory.

Flexible schedule: A flexible schedule implies that your schedule is, you know, flexible. When did third shift and every other godawful permutation of working in the dead of night become euphemized as being a flexible schedule??

“Local”: A job site which shall remained unnamed but may perhaps rhyme with “got slobs” gives you the option to search in either a single town or to check a little box to “include surrounding areas.” If I fill in my town and check the box, 95% of the matches with which I am then presented are jobs located in Boston. It’s true, Boston is a surrounding area for me in much the same way that Los Angeles is a surrounding area if you live in Silicon Valley. Yes, I am aware that there are lots of jobs in Boston. No, I don’t consider that to be local.

The Navy Reserves, already!: GET OFF OF MONSTER! NOW! There is no one with sufficient brain damage to visit Monster, see all of your cheery, bolded ads, and run right out and enlist because goshdarned if being a restaurant manager for Uncle Sam doesn’t sound like a mighty fine time. What a waste of money and space.

It’s becoming more and more clear that the only position suitable for a person of my grace and superior mental capacity is benevolent dictator. Perhaps I can find myself a nice island nation somewhere in the tropics.