I have been kind of marking time until Big Company calls me to schedule my second interview. I’ve also been becoming convinced, with each passing hour, that I will never hear from them again and this isn’t so much a job possibility as another exercise in Why I Suck, but I’m neurotic that way. It’s a gift, really.

So you can understand how it was that I got all excited when I received an email today from Big Company with the subject line, “Regarding your resume submission to Big Company.”

When you submit your resume to Big Company online, they have one of these fancy schmancy job-matching systems. The idea is that if you input enough information, their database can automatically match you up with appropriate jobs and let you know when things are available. It’s a great idea, even if you do have to spend about an hour answering all of their various questions in addition to attaching your actual resume. It has about forty screens of info you have to get through; you know the sort.

Education Level (please select one of the following):
o Eighth Grade (and a license to drive a thresher)
o High School
o Some College
o Associate’s Degree
o College Degree
o Some Graduate Work
o Master’s Degree
o Business Degree
o Doctorate
o Super Egghead Ruler of the Universe

Computer Proficiency (please select one of the following):
o I like Pong on my Atari.
o I can program the clock on my VCR.
o My 486 is really fast.
o Basic Windows proficiency.
o I write little scripts for fun.
o I heart Linux.
o There’s a Cray in my basement that I built myself.

So I’d filled all of that out, a while ago, and then this week I went in to interview as a Case Manager for Division DoGood. In my perception, this is a reasonable match for me. The position is a step or two above entry level, but humbly acknowledges that–having been out of the workforce for a few years–I need to start over a bit and work my way up. This position also sits on a ladder wherein I could advance quite a bit, over time, if I so desired. Believe me, I’ve given myself quite a few pats on the back for figuring out the perfect solution to my job needs.

And it’s true that I think pretty highly of myself, sometimes, but it’s also true that I tend to sell myself short, on occasion. Which is why it’s such a relief to know that Big Company has analyzed my education, experience, and skills and has assessed me in a completely objective manner.

Big Company was contacting me today to let me know that I have been matched with a new opening, and I should please follow the links to formally apply for this spot. I was congratulated on meeting their criteria and encouraged to act quickly, if interested. Me, a Case Manager? Pshaw. That’s so beneath me.

No, today Big Company would like to invite me to apply to be their Vice President of Finance. I’m not quite sure how to break it to Big Company that I can barely balance my checkbook, that me in any position anywhere that uses the term “Finance” is most certainly a sign of the Apocolypse, and that I’m about as aptly suited to VPship in their organization as I am to being the Vice President of the United States. I mean, I can see that they really put a lot of thought into this career match. And I hate to disappoint. It’s quite the conundrum. Also? My confidence in Big Company as a pillar of the business world is somewhat shaken.

On the other hand, I do feel sort of powerful. Could someone peel me a grape?