No, a bomb did not explode in my kitchen. We had spaghetti for dinner.

I happen to love spaghetti and meatballs. Six years of being a parent has not yet taught me how ill-advised it is to serve this meal to those under the age of ten. Or maybe it has, and I just don’t care, because occasionally we’re going to eat what I like, so there.

My refrigerator and pantry are chock-full of kiddie convenience foods. Why no one has yet revolutionized the spaghetti dinner for children is, quite frankly, a mystery. This is a market begging to be cornered. And let’s be clear; I am not talking Spaghettios, here. I’m talking the whole meal, that a family (read: even adults) can enjoy together. I would relish my meal much more if I didn’t have to watch my children eat theirs, orangutan-style, while I try to eat.

If any of you work for Kraft, listen up! A new line of products could be hitting the shelves, synergistically revolutionizing the traditional spaghetti dinner. Behold: The Pasta Kiddiano^TM Line!

Pasteurized Processed Crustless French Bread Slices^TM. Do your kids like bread? Of course they do! Do they love the crust? Heck no! Does the crust make a huge mess all over your table while they attempt to eat every molecule of squishy white bready goodness without ingesting any crust? Oh yeah. So here’s your solution. Not only do you get your french bread yumminess in a low-mess version (crust sold separately for discriminating adults), but every slice is exactly the same size. No more bickering over who got the bigger piece!

Pasteurized Processed Bread-Sized Butter Slices^TM. To go with your bread, of course. Again, equal amounts of food per slice, to minimize bickering. Quickly and easily cover the entire surface of the bread with a uniform coat of butter, without spreading! It’s genius!

Spaghetti Roll-Ups^TM. Intended for children too young to properly twirl pasta on a fork, this pasta was fashioned after the already popular Fruit Roll-Up concept. (Edited to add: upon further reflection, I realize these are more like Fruit-by-the-Foot. But I prefer the Roll-Up name so it stays. Sue me.) Each Roll-Up cooks to al dente perfection in your boiling water without uncurling. When placed gently upon your child’s plate, he can simply peel off the start of the super-long strand and suck up an entire dinner’s worth of pasta without the troublesome use of hands or silverware.

Shakey Cheese Sleeve Singles^TM. Everyone knows that a standard canister of parmesan cheese ends up with a gigantic parmesan hairball in the center, necessitating heroic measures such as slamming the container on the table repeatedly to free it. And there is really no way to measure the amount of cheese dispensed on each shake, resulting in that tiresome bickering over who got more cheese. Let’s not even get into what happens when the shorted child decides to shake out “just a little bit more.” These Singles come in a small, easy-to-open package which peels back to reveal a soft, round sleeve of parmesan cheese. This ring shape slips easily over the end of the Spaghetti Roll-Ups^TM, smoothly dispensing an even dusting of cheese as the pasta is consumed.

Slurp-Ad Tube Salad^TM. Love the tidiness of Go-Gurt Yogurt tubes? Then you’ll love this. Green salad is finely chopped and mixed in the no-mess tube with a healthy dollop of ranch dressing. Each tube contains an entire serving of vegetables! This one is especially good for children who tend to just lick the salad dressing and leave the leafies. The perfectly blended tube distribution ensures that even the pickiest eater is consuming actual greens!

Chocolate Chip Meatballs^TM. Yeah, that’s disgusting. But it’s the only way they’re gonna eat them, so why not?

Okay, the meatball one need some work. But the rest? Gold, baby.