And let’s just get it out of the way up front: I know this makes me look shallow and bitter and hag-like. I’m okay with that. It’s too good not to share.

On the heels of a perfectly pleasant chat with The Ex Who Continues To Boggle My Mind, I have new information on his MOB (Mail Order Bride). He allowed as how it was probably natural and normal that I had some questions about the lady in his life, and I should go ahead and ask. So I did.

Hold on to your hats, folks.

Everything you never wanted to know about the ex and his MOB:

They met through some people he works with. Well that’s nice. It’s good to meet people, and know people who can help you do that.

She is in grad school, and looking to transfer somewhere local. Fair enough, you say. Innocuous, even. Wait. Grad school. Hmmm. Isn’t school for those… a bit younger? Why yes!

She is 23 years old. Have I mentioned? The ex is 36. THIRTY. SIX. And not a “ladies man” by any stretch of the imagination… so… WTF??

She has been married and divorced once already! That was the comforting information offered in defense of why it’s okay that she’s only 23. She’s mature, you see. If you’ve been married and divorced by 23, that makes you all grown up. Understand? Me neither.

She’s from Russia. As in (he didn’t say this but I am fairly certain), not a citizen of this country. But he’s sure her feelings are genuine, despite his mother’s concern that he’s being used. Oh. Okay. If I were a nice person I’d figure out a way to offer her a no-strings-attached Green Card just to see, but I’m not, so let’s just enjoy this drama as it unfolds for our amusement.

She is 23 years old. In case you may have missed the math, he is thirteen years her senior. Old enough (technically) to be her father. And–oh yeah–let’s take a quick inventory. A 36-year-old physicist, who never dated prior to marrying at age 26, who is paying half his take-home pay in child support, whose picture appears next to the definition of “wallflower” in Webster’s, and believes the entire world has wronged him. What a catch! I can see where she couldn’t resist his charms.

This is not his first relationship. This I found surprising. But whatever. The first one, didn’t work out because the girl was “too young” for him. She was 22. *cue sound of my jaw hitting the pavement*

She is afraid that I think she’s a mail-order bride. Huh. I wonder why she thinks that? This is a perfectly plausible, natural situation. Really. Excuse me a minute… no, I’m okay, just choking on a little something I think….

She is 23 years old. Gah. Gah! Gaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

My life has turned into a predictable yet surreal schlock novel. When do we get to the chapter where my life resumes so I don’t have to sit around obsessing over this weirdness because the alternative is to consider all the problems in my own life?