I’m aware that, technically, perplexed is not a color. But I expect you to work with me here a little bit, plus I am a pathological liar. Only for the purposes of imagery and feeding my offspring, though.

(Tonight at dinner I told my son that rice pilaf tastes just like macaroni and cheese. Which is more wrong; that Mr. Picky actually agreed with me and ate it, or that I told him that in the first place?)

So, this whole job hunt thing. It’s getting down to the wire. I have widened my search quite a bit from where I started. Now I’m pretty much looking for anything that pays more than minimum wage, during daytime hours, and doesn’t require heavy manual labor. 98% of the jobs listed in my area? Are either minimum wage, at night, and/or for construction workers or truck drivers. The other 2% are for secretaries who have pleasant dispositions. I suppose I could fake a pleasant disposition for a little while, but eventually even the most oblivious boss would figure out that something was amiss.

I’ve spent the evening combing through job listings and I’ve realized that there are many things that are intrinsic to this whole job search process that I just don’t get. Not that me not understanding stuff is anything new, but here’s the most recent crop of huh-provoking items floating around in my brain:

Do the various branches of the armed forces really have success with recruitment via places like Monster? Are there a lot of people browsing job openings who stop, slap themselves on the forehead, and realize that really here is the answer to all their financial problems; join the military and make less than minimum wage and probably risk their lives, to boot?

With all due respect to everyone, menial task jobs that assert “experience required” really drive me bonkers. I guess that’s to weed out the cretins. But, really? Eighteen years of school and I’m not qualified to apply for your crappy job because you can’t be bothered to spend an hour training me on some proprietary piece of software? Ooooooookay.

Job openings where you send your resume and cover letter to the Giant Black Hole In Human Resources and receive Ye Olde Generic “thank you but no human will ever lay eyes on your paperwork you insignificant serf” email back are annoying. Extra special bonus aggravation points if the confirmation email shows that your carefully formatted resume has been converted into a garbled, formatless text-only file.

If you would like to join my shit list and leap to the top of the rankings, please offer me a valuable networking contact and then drop off the face of the planet. Tell me countless times how you are going to be able to help me out but then never answer your phone or return any of the two dozen messages I’ve left you this summer. No, really, I like it. How wonderful that we won’t ever be running into one another here in our very small town where our children will be attending the same school. What’s that? Oh, we will be seeing each other? Well how ’bout that. How wonderful. Shall I rip your head off immediately or would you prefer that I launch a tortuous and slow campaign to make you wish we’d never met? Really, I insist it be your choice.

Would it make more sense to flip a coin or to consult my Magic 8 Ball to figure out how much daycare and which hours to enroll my children in, if the school year starts before I find something? Oh, wait; I know! Ouija board! I am so smart. This must be why potential employers are banging down my door.

I am either far too brilliant or way too snarky to get a regular job. And no, we’re not voting on which one.