With God as my witness, I will never grocery shop while hungry again! Wait. No. Nevermind that. I’m always hungry. How could I possibly keep that promise?

I can’t.

Anyway. I have been thoroughly defeated by my latest Bad Move At The Supermarket. I’m saddened, and ashamed, and I hope that coming clean about it will draw enough ridicule that I’ll think twice before repeating the same mistake again.

I waited on line at the deli as usual. My number came up, and my automatic request issued forth: “One pound of Land O’ Lakes white, please.” While the deli guy was weighing that out, I saw it there. Right next to the cheese. And before I knew it I was speaking again without any intention of doing so.

“And a half pound of the cotto salami.”

The name, of course, comes from the Italian. “Cotto” meaning “delicious,” and “salami” meaning “lard.”

It’s no surprise that I like salami. I’m a huge fan of fat. I advocate a revision of the food pyramid wherein bacon is elevated to its own–essential–food group. But bacon is expensive, and messy to cook, and makes the entire house smell. I don’t eat it often.

Salami? Is cheap, requires no cooking, and does not alert the entire neighborhood to my imminent gluttony with its aroma. On the downside, I’m pretty sure it’s made of snouts and tails and ears. At least with bacon I can pretend there is some redeeming nutritive value. With salami… uhhhh… the deli mustard made me do it…?

I bought it two days ago. I just finished it off; reasoning that the sooner I finished it, the sooner it would be gone and I could stop eating it. I feel relieved (if a little nauseated). Please don’t let me do that again.