25 things that go bump in the night

By Mir
May 24, 2004
Category Detritus

The title is a misnomer; few, if any, of these things actually go bump in the night. But they all frighten me.

1) The Swan.
2) The fact that I am compelled to watch The Swan.
3) That weird little dancing bald guy in the commercials for Six Flags who shows up in a bus and jitterbugs around until everyone joins him for a romp at the amusement park.
4) Women who think they can’t leave the house without make-up on.
5) Men who think women shouldn’t leave the house without make-up on.
6) People who take their marriages for granted.
7) People who don’t like kids.
8) People who think I must be miserable because I’m divorced.
9) Hail. (This string of thunderstorms we’ve been having hasn’t bothered me in the slightest; now they’re running “hail warning” banners across the bottom of the TV screen and I’m freaking.)
10) How easily my children trust.
11) “Gingy” from the Walmart commercials (though he was quite good in Shrek 2, I’ll admit).
12) Teenage drivers on cell phones.
13) Seeing babies/children not properly restrained in carseats/seatbelts.
14) The possibility that I may need to stab my son with his Epi-Pen to save his life someday.
15) The possibility that I may do that and he’ll die anyway.
16) Heights.
17) Wasps.
18) Small spaces.
19) Failure.
20) Thongs. (Not the footwear….)
21) The Junior Women’s League.
22) The guy at the diner around the corner who fawns all over my daughter and tells me how beautiful she is when we eat there. (We don’t go there anymore.)
23) Anyone wearing spandex who is not on a bicycle or in the gym.
24) Minutes 30 to 44 when I’m doing 45 minutes on my elliptical trainer.
25) Life without carbs.


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