Insomnia logic

3:01 AM: Huh. I appear to be awake.
3:03 AM: I’m still awake. Do I have to pee? Maybe I have to pee. I think I have to pee. But if I get up, then I’ll never fall asleep again.
3:05 AM: I probably don’t really have to pee. If I just lie here quietly I’m sure I’ll fall back asleep.
3:10 AM: Do I have to pee?
3:15 AM: Does Otto snore this loud all the time and usually I’m asleep, or am I awake because JESUS CHRIST I AM SLEEPING WITH A LAWN MOWER?
3:16 AM: He’s adorable when he’s snoring, though.
3:17 AM: Do I have to pee?
3:18 AM: No, sure, fine, just keep on peacefully sleeping while I stare at the ceiling. THANKS, HONEY. At least one of us is sleeping!
3:20 AM: Maybe I should just get up. I don’t seem to be falling back asleep. I could get up and work for a while, maybe.
3:22 AM: No, I should definitely try to get back to sleep. If I get up then I’ll really be wide awake and I really, really need to sleep now.
3:25 AM: Do I have to pee? Maybe I just need to pee.
3:28 AM: FINE, I AM GETTING UP TO GO PEE!
3:29 AM: Huh, I guess I didn’t really have to pee. Well okay, I’m up, might as well do some work.
3:30 AM: I have a lot of junk email.
3:47 AM: Facebook!
4:23 AM: Look at all the moves I have to play in Scrabble!
4:35 AM: Facebook!
4:46 AM: Okay, seriously, I should do some work if I’m up.
5:20 AM: Dude, I am totally productive. Look at me getting things done! Booyah!
5:35 AM: Holy crap I am tired. It’s too late to go back to bed, right?
5:43 AM: I could get maybe an hour of sleep if I go lie down right now. That’s worth it, I think. So tired.
5:44 AM: There’s no way I’m actually going to fall—
7:12 AM: I’M UP I’M UP CRAP I’M AWAKE HEY IS EVERYONE UP?
7:23 AM: It’s not nice to tell your mother she looks terrible. Shush.
7:29 AM: Awwww, Chickadee is tucking me in with the dog before she leaves for school. So sweet! But I really can’t go back to sleep, I’ve got so much stuff to—
9:05 AM: I’M UP I’M UP EVERYBODY GET… oh. Nevermind. I’m up, though.
9:06 AM: Do I have to pee?

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25 Responses to “Insomnia logic”

  1. 1
    deva May 16, 2013 at 10:28 am #

    LOL! This is my brain when I am home alone and the fiance is on business trips. “I should at least try.. but then the cat will want to come to bed.” 6:50am: HONKHONKHONKHONK…crap alarm. Oh, hello kitty mafia (I should say now that we have four cats..).

  2. 2
    suburbancorrespondent May 16, 2013 at 10:32 am #

    Cruelest joke of all played by the menopause fairy – all my kids finally sleep through the night, but now I can’t.

    • 2.1
      Cheryl May 16, 2013 at 11:06 am #

      This is one symptom I was NOT prepared for. All my life I could sleep anywhere, anytime. Now, I regularly clean out the DVR at 2AM.

    • 2.2
      Teri May 16, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

      Hilarious! (and, sadly, true)

  3. 3
    Therese May 16, 2013 at 10:35 am #

    OMG, this is so me…..Every night!! Especially the part about getting up to pee :)

  4. 4
    Jen May 16, 2013 at 10:44 am #

    Well, this explains the middle of the night email reply. LOL! Now go have some iced tea. Guaranteed to keep you awake AND make sure you pee. ;)

  5. 5
    Arnebya May 16, 2013 at 10:51 am #

    I think it’s the Scrabble moves that wake me. Or pee. Last night (this morning?) I actually did have to pee (after playing Scrabble, of course) and was so disoriented that I had forgotten I’d had asparagus for dinner. Whooo boy that smell! I automatically starting wondering what I was plagued with (and how it would affect pee.) Then, oh, asparagus. Then, why aren’t other people awake so that we can play Scrabble?

  6. 6
    Aimee May 16, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    Ha! I had the same morning, though instead of Facebook it was Battlestar Galactica on Netflix. I did have to pee, actually (good of me to share, I know), but then I was hungry and so I tried drinking water but that didn’t work and then I had popcorn and watched two episodes of BG and then cried because the second one was sad and my stupid alarm went off 5 minutes before the end of the second episode. So I turned it off, and watched the end and sleepwalked (it seems like it should be sleptwalked, no? Nonevermind. ) and somehow got dressed and now here I am. At the computer. Technically at work but actually commenting ere. Or Here. Now I’m a Cockney too. Great. All of which is to say, I feel your pain. Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

  7. 7
    Kim May 16, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    If I am awake and it is dark, I have to pee. That is all.

    • 7.1
      Brigitte May 16, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

      Up to 5 or 6 times on the most wakeful nights, just because – hey! – it’s something to do.

  8. 8
    diane May 16, 2013 at 11:49 am #

    The only time I can be assured I will wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleepwalk to the bathroom, then come back to bed and fall right back asleep is if I managed, by a miracle, to go to bed early.

    On the other hand, I regularly get up an hour and fifteen minutes before the alarm is due to go off to visit the bathroom (on nights the above doesn’t happen). I’m thinking I need to stop all liquid intake around noon every day…

  9. 9
    TravelSkite May 16, 2013 at 11:49 am #

    This would be so funny, if I weren’t reading it at – let me see, 3.45am, having had the pee debate and eventually given in. Then I had the iPhone one and gave in to that too… Sigh. We all know how this ends now, thanks to your post.

  10. 10
    Mary K. in Rockport May 16, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    Apparently this saga is the answer to child-who-does-not-like-to-get-up-to-go-to-school. Just sleep through the potential drama.

  11. 11
    Chris of the Woodwork May 16, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

    Ambien. Love it.

  12. 12
    Cheryl May 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

    If it is 1:00 am, then I am awake, and in my bathroom cause, yeah – had to pee. I have my head against the wall, wondering if I have the energy to get back to bed. Then I start to worry that I won’t get back to sleep. Then I start to think all the other things. And – then I realize that I am still in the bathroom and I am really cold. I sometimes go back to bed, and other times I head for the computer and Netflix. For some reason, those old episodes of Bewitched make a lot of sense at that hour of the night. And really, I had those two quality hours of sleep between 11 pm and 1 am – why be greedy!!!

  13. 13
    js May 16, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    I have been having nightmares lately (Nightmares! Not just for kids anymore!) due to some stress and also because my in laws are coming into town ;-) The other night I woke up, still made at my husband because, in my dream, I had taken two gun shots to the chest and he was still calmly getting ready for bed while I insisted I needed to go to the hospital. Last night, I dreamt that there was someone in our bedroom, watching me as I slept. The fact that he snores like a bear with a hangover was oddly comforting when I woke up from that one! Clearly, I need to stop watching Criminal Minds. Also, whenever I get up in the middle of the night, my light sleeper husband (who also rolls himself up in all the covers) takes that as a sign that I want to talk. In the middle of the night! Since he signed himself up for the biggest loser at work I am also getting up at the crack ass of dawn to work out with him and be supportive. I am so tired right now, I typed this with one eye shut.

  14. 14
    ste May 16, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    Have you every tried the Bach Rescue Remedy for night?

  15. 15
    Tracy B May 16, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

    I hate it when my brain won’t shut up!

  16. 16
    Chuck May 16, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    Very funny. And glad you got some sleep-in time with Licorice. Dogs love taking naps with their owners.

  17. 17
    Lily May 16, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    I sleep like a rock but your dialogue makes me think that I’m missing out on the fun.

  18. 18
    Heather May 16, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

    Haha yup, I’ve definitely been there!

  19. 19
    Jeanie May 16, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

    Boy, does that sound familiar!

  20. 20
    EG May 17, 2013 at 8:36 am #

    Awesome.

  21. 21
    Meg May 17, 2013 at 12:23 pm #

    Oh man. I’ve recently moved in with my fiance, and starting waking up to WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE NOISE?!?! IS IT THE END OF THE WORLD?!?!? Oh, that’s my fiance snoring.

    How can they possibly sleep through the noise they are making!?!?

  22. 22
    momzen May 17, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

    Do you live I my head? Lol!

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