Note to self: Buy some air freshener

So we opened The Vagina Monologues last night, after months of rehearsing and planning and some fretting. If you’ve ever been in a community show, you know there’s this nerve-wracking phenomenon where someone always struggles with their lines to the point where you’re thinking CRAP, this is going to be a DISASTER! And then at the final dress rehearsal everyone just pulls it out and you go PHEW, okay, I think it’s going to be fine. (I wonder if that happens in professional productions, too? Probably not.)

Anyway, it was all very exciting. Otto drove in with me to see the show (“Because it’s Valentine’s Day! What else am I going to do?”), and when we got the door an hour before curtain, he kissed me and headed off to kill some time. I walked into the lobby and found a volunteer from the organization backing the show. We’d met before, but she didn’t seem to remember me, so I introduced myself again, and she said, “Oh, Mir! I didn’t recognize you all dressed up!” In fact I was NOT all dressed up, but I did have a metric ton of spackle on my face and my hair was straightened, so I resisted blurting out, “DO I NORMALLY LOOK AWFUL? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING??” (Hi, I’m Mir. I’m 5.)

We chatted for a minute and then I went to head backstage, but this lovely young woman stopped me. “Do you want to grab a program?”

Oh! She had a big box full of programs, and I always like to take a program as a souvenir. Very kind of her to ask. I turned back around from my exit and said, “Oh yes, thanks!”

She reached into the box and removed a program, handing it to me. It was then that I remembered we’d met because she came to a rehearsal and passed around a spiral notebook to collect our bios. Vagina Monologues programs are usually just as entertaining as the show—you have this giant group of women from diverse backgrounds who are then told to give a couple of sentences about why they’re in the show. It’s excellent reading, generally speaking. We’re a funny bunch.

“You can look it over and let me know if there are any mistakes,” she said, as I flipped it open.

I looked back up at her and laughed. “Ooooo… kay?” I said, gesturing at the enormous box in front of her. “So if I find something wrong, you’ll just go get ‘em all reprinted? Before 8:00?” She joined me in giggling. I looked back down at the program again. “Alphabetical order for the cast, right?” I asked, flipping pages to find my bio. She nodded.

Here’s the blurb I submitted for the program:

Mir Kamin is delighted to be discussing her vagina in front of God and everyone for the second year in a row. When not bringing mortification to her teenagers, she can be found writing, playing with her dog, and smashing the Patriarchy.

Typical me, right? The sort of thing you’d expect?

Here’s the blurb I found in the program:

Mir Kamin is delighted to be discussing her vagina in front of God and everyone for second year in a row. When not bringing mortification to her teenagers, she can be found writing, playing with her dog, and smelling the patriarchy.

To quote Highlights magazine: Can you spot the differences?

I read it again, then looked up at the sweet young woman who is there because she works for a very noble charity organization. It was impossible to be mad at her. So naturally, I began to laugh. HYSTERICALLY. I couldn’t stop. She looked concerned.

“You… this… OH MY GOD,” I gasped. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. “LOOK AT THIS,” I said, showing her my bio. “SMELLING the Patriarchy? SMELLING??”

I was now being regarded as someone who might be insane, and at the very least should be handled with the utmost of care. She cleared her throat and eyed me warily. “I… yeah, I didn’t quite get that? But I thought you were being funny! Wait, I have the notebook right here!”

I continued to guffaw while she dug out the spiral notebook. Now, truth be told, my handwriting is horrendous. This is true. But as we looked at my scrawled bio, it was clear to me that my writing of “smashing” looked NOTHING LIKE “smelling.” She continued to squint at the page, as if trying to ascertain what had happened.

“What does that even MEAN? What does Patriarchy smell like??” I gulped for air between cackles, still unable to control myself, and—I admit, it’s not nice—finding this woman’s mounting horror absolutely hilarious. She was starting to look really quite upset, and I realized I needed to tone it down. I choked back a couple of snorts. “It’s FINE,” I said. “I mean, it’s funny. It’s no big deal. Don’t worry about it.”

“But I am SO SORRY,” she said, and then I stopped laughing, because really, it’s NOT a big deal, and I love this organization, and who knows what this woman’s real job is there, but when she was tasked with typing up 30 handwritten bio blurbs and got to mine at the end of the notebook, maybe she was tired or bored or in a rush. Stuff happens.

I smiled at her. “Really, it’s fine. I get to start the evening with a laugh! It means the show’s going to be great.” She looked unsure, but told me to break a leg as I headed to the stage.

For my part, to get ready for my very serious performance (have I mentioned that this is the most depressing thing I’ve ever performed? BECAUSE IT IS), I gathered with my fellow castmates and told the story of my penchant for smelling Patriarchy at least half a dozen times. We stood in the wings laughing our asses off and it never stopped being funny.

A quick poll of my online pals (viva la smartphone!) resulted in the following feedback when I asked what Patriarchy might smell like:
“Best. Typo. Ever.” (Michelle)
“It smells like vanilla, cinnamon and oppression” (Vicki)
“Well, the patriarchy *does* stink.” (Jennifer)
“Smells I would associate w/Patriarchy: cheap drugstore aftershave, polyester, dusty hymnals, and potluck food.” (Beth)
“For the record, patriarchy smells like stale cigars, cheap scotch, and Vicks Vapor Rub” (Otto)
“Axe body spray.” (Jes)
“That’s a lot better than what I was going to say it smelled like.” (Chris, in response to Vicki’s assessment)

For the record, the show went great (even when a couple of people walked in in the middle of my piece and proceeded to drop a bunch of stuff while noisily getting seated—thanks!), and I didn’t catch a single whiff of Patriarchy during it. But does that mean I need to start thinking about a new hobby? Or maybe just find something else to sniff?

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27 Responses to “Note to self: Buy some air freshener”

  1. 1
    Denise February 15, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    The patriarchy smells like Axe. Direct quote from the 14 year old. You can quote her on that.

  2. 2
    Karen February 15, 2013 at 10:31 am #

    Now THAT is awesome. Also: Maybe next time said volunteer could email each person a draft to okay BEFORE getting them all printed? If said volunteer ever recovers from the stench (!) of this gaffe, that is.

  3. 3
    RuthWells February 15, 2013 at 10:34 am #

    That is so many kinds of wrong. I love it.

  4. 4
    Brenda February 15, 2013 at 10:34 am #

    I think Otto wins for best description of the smell of Patriarchy. Glad the show went well!

  5. 5
    Korinthia Klein February 15, 2013 at 10:44 am #

    Smelling the patriarchy could be the first step toward smashing it. (Glad the show went well!)

  6. 6
    Brigitte February 15, 2013 at 10:49 am #

    Leather and old, unwashed socks . .

  7. 7
    deva February 15, 2013 at 10:52 am #

    I think Denise’s 14 year-old has it nailed. Axe can be smelled from orbit.

  8. 8
    js February 15, 2013 at 11:02 am #

    This is the best name for an all girl band. EVER. Smelling the Patriarchy. Glad your show went well!

  9. 9
    Bob February 15, 2013 at 11:05 am #

    I’m sorry to have missed this year’s show, I quite enjoyed last year’s – the highlight being finally meeting you, Chickadee, and the inimitable Otto. I have no doubts that you knocked ‘em dead. Now that opening night is out of the way, enjoy the rest of the run. I am quite sure a stage full of women performing the vagina monologues effectively clears the air of any smell of patriarchy.

  10. 10
    Megan February 15, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    Just this afternoon I walked into a small, very warm, unventilated room that had only moments before held ten 20-ish young men who had been sitting there for two hours. I think I know EXACTLY what patriarchy smells like.

  11. 11
    MrsB February 15, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

    BEST laugh of the day…..thank you!

  12. 12
    Susie February 15, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

    Otto hit the nail on the head, plus the smell of leather and office supplies…

  13. 13
    Aimee February 15, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

    Mmm… patriarchy. The next scent from Yankee Candle, I’m sure. I like Otto’s description, but if not that I would say it smells like Old Spice, mothballs and stale beer. Either way = gross.

    I am sure you were totally awesome and wish I could have been there to see you. And to totally crack up at your bio, natch.

  14. 14
    kapgaf February 15, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

    To me, the patriarchy has no smell because women have been made to clean it up. But, as it disappears, it will smell of dust, old men and bigotry.
    Someone please help me down from this soapbox and take me to see The Vagina Monologues

  15. 15
    mandy February 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

    Am I the only one thinking you NEED scratch ‘n’ sniff stickers…?

  16. 16
    carrie on February 15, 2013 at 8:14 pm #

    Clearly you meant “smelling the patchouli.”

  17. 17
    Stimey February 15, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

    Do you think that whilst typing it up or proofing the program someone was all, “huh, that’s weird, but whatever,” because you’d think that would have been a red flag.

    SO funny. And I’m thrilled that it went well and imagine me giving the stuff-droppers the side eye for you. That shit is just NOT DONE when Mir is on stage.

  18. 18
    Jen February 15, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

    Hm. I wasn’t thinking scent, but going up to some dude and taking a big ole’ personal-space-invading sniff. I’m sure you would then need a tissue.

  19. 19
    Patty February 16, 2013 at 12:49 am #

    I think Otto’s right as well. The patriarchy of the *future* smells like Axe (which makes me want to vomit.) I am horrified by the amount of shelf space now dedicated to Axe deodorant. I’m allergic to the chemical stench of it.

    Once, when I was teaching 6th grade, I confiscated a bottle of Axe body spray that a boy decided to bring to school AND spray on his friends (this was after my usual announcement that I get migraines from heavy scents.) I told him his mom had to come get it because exactly when would I trust him with such a weapon in his hands? She finally came to get it one day, and was none to happy about me taking it away. “He bought it with his own money,” she protested. Oh. Okay. Spray away then.

  20. 20
    addy February 16, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    Congratulations! And did you consider the stale closed up closet smell of old clothes, old sweat and old spice?

  21. 21
    Amanda February 16, 2013 at 10:08 pm #

    It may be the cold meds talking, but I’m gasping for breath. Hilarious! But seriously, that says a lot that they thought, “Meh, it’s Mir, whatever. Just type it up and print it.” So incredibly funny.

  22. 22
    Arnebya February 17, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

    I was laughing so hard while reading this that my 9 yr old asked what was so funny. I tried to explain, but patriarchy…she said what’s funny about being a patriot? Patriots are people who care about our country, right? Me and my constant “what’s the root word” bullshit, ruining humor forever.

  23. 23
    Little Bird February 18, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    I throw my vote in for Axe as the scent/odor of patriarchy. But I think it needs a whiff of stale beer.

  24. 24
    Carol February 18, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

    Stale beer and cigarettes.

  25. 25
    Amelia February 18, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

    Patriarchy smells like teen spirit.

    I thought you’d know.

  26. 26
    Another Dawn February 18, 2013 at 9:34 pm #

    OMG! Too funny! I lay out programs for local theatre groups and getting information at the last minute is an all too familiar situation. (Not that you submitted your bio late, just that it DOES happen more frequently than I’d like.) It’s a miracle that kind of typo, or much, MUCH worse, doesn’t happen more often.

  27. 27
    Katie in MA February 21, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    I’m with Amelia – wondering if the Nirvana parodies are up on YouTube yet. :)

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