Shhhhh, don’t wake him up

When you think about having children, you dream of all the magical things you’ll do together and all the memories you’ll build. You hope you’ll have similar interests and hopes and goals.

Actual conversation from earlier today in the car, upon spotting a rather unfortunate-looking (read: dead) armadillo on the shoulder.

Me: Oh no, Mr. Armadillo. That’s not a good place for a nap!
Monkey: Maybe he’s very sleepy.
Me: Like he was walking along, and suddenly he was just overcome with the need for a short rest?
Monkey: Exactly. So he just flopped over on his back like that for a power-nap.
Me: And put his intestines in a tidy pile beside him.
Monkey: Right. Because it’s hard to get comfortable with your innards on the inside. He just took ‘em out, you know, just to get comfy.
Me: Kind of like taking off your pants so they don’t get creased while you sleep?
Monkey: Yeah, he was all, “My intestines can just wait over here. Ah, that’s much more comfortable. Also, I appear to be slightly dead.”
Me: Well, that’s unfortunate.
Monkey: Indeed.

I’m so proud.

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48 Responses to “Shhhhh, don’t wake him up”

  1. 1
    Megan @ Mama Bub January 31, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

    I really look forward to the day when I can have this sort of conversation with my kids, rather than directing their attention elsewhere. Look kids, a deer! (channeling Clark W. Griswold)

  2. 2
    Jen January 31, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    Yes. Just…yes. :) Monkey FTW.

  3. 3
    Kelly January 31, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

    Oh that made me laugh…. thanks.

  4. 4
    liz January 31, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

    Bwahahahahaha!!!!

  5. 5
    Frank January 31, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    I read that, and actually heard in my head Spock’s voice saying ‘Indeed’…

    And I am like the reasoning for one taking one’s pants off while they rest / sleep is “So they don’t get creased while you sleep”….

    And he is ‘Slightly Dead’… as opposed to the more famous ‘Mostly Dead’… NOW I want to watch that movie.

  6. 6
    StephLove January 31, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    Wait, they have armadillos in Georgia? i had no idea.

  7. 7
    Frank January 31, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

    like-ing…

  8. 8
    Nelson's Mama January 31, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

    Armadillos and possums are born dead on the side of the road ;)

  9. 9
    Mir January 31, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    Nelson’s Mama, I now want to install LIKE buttons in comments just so I can “like” that. ;)

  10. 10
    Lou January 31, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    Hahhahaha.

  11. 11
    Sandra Tayler January 31, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    I love this so much. Thank you.

  12. 12
    My Kids Mom January 31, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    I’ve never seen one in GA. I thought the way you could tell you’d finally made it to Florida was the appearance of dead armadillos. (and pink buildings)

  13. 13
    Beth B. January 31, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Awesome. Love it.

  14. 14
    Arnebya January 31, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

    Your work here is clearly done. Also, Nelson’s Mama made me laugh even harder.

  15. 15
    liv January 31, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    that is fantastic. :)

  16. 16
    Eileen January 31, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    Indeed.

  17. 17
    Midj January 31, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    The armadillo I saw in my yard yesterday at 7:15 am begs to differ with Nelson’s Mama. My dogs were beside themselves. Luckily Mr. Armorall was on the other side of the chain link… Also, “Look there’s a sleeping…” was a refrain heard often in our car. Our conversations were never quite as good as yours, however. Love that Monkey!

  18. 18
    Little Bird January 31, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    My mom kept me occupied with counting roadkill (by type of animal no less) on long road trips. It’s nice to see we aren’t the only morbid ones.

  19. 19
    Korinthia January 31, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    It’s like scene right out of The Wonder Years.

  20. 20
    Nancy January 31, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

    Your conversations sounds much like those I had with my son. His mind works in mysterious ways (and comical). Missing him a lot – he being in New Orleans and all.

  21. 21
    Issa January 31, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

    LOL. This was awesome.

    The older mine get the more I think, man I had no clue what kids were really like. It’s better than I even imagined. Maybe that’s just mine because they are such entertaining short people. But it’s been cool the past few years.

  22. 22
    kapgar January 31, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    My children and I feel less alone – there are other families out there who are into seriously weird conversations.

  23. 23
    Charlene January 31, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

    “Also, I appear to be slightly dead.” This made me snort laugh in public!

  24. 24
    Golden January 31, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    I can’t read a story about an armadillo (dead or alive) without thinking about this story on This American Life about Otis the Armadillo.
    http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/154/in-dog-we-trust?act=3#play

  25. 25
    js January 31, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

    I heard the Spock voice too! Just sub in deer for armadillo and bra for pants and I believe my daughter and I have had similar conversations.

  26. 26
    Rosie January 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    My husband and I have a running joke when we spot … the casualities of the highway … and say that all the animals had a wild party last night and passed out on the side of the road. We may have to adapt that slightly when the kids get old enough to understand.

  27. 27
    Dawn January 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm #

    Are you sure he isn’t my child?

    We live on an island that has no raccoons, porcupines, skunks, possums, etc., therefore very little roadkill on the highways. Except for… um… us. On account of moose usually win in a collision.

    Anyway, when my daughters were young, we went on a roadtrip back to my home province on the mainland. At first, they were horrified by the carnage on the roads. Then they acclimatized, started keeping count and eventually (after I taught it them) were belting out “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” at the top of their lungs.

    A pround, proud moment indeed.

  28. 28
    shawn stacy January 31, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

    I LOVE THAT KID!!!!

  29. 29
    Cheryl January 31, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

    I am thinking he is ready for Monty Python. Most of our “weird” conversations now reference MP in one way or another.

  30. 30
    Jennifer Morgan January 31, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

    This is the best part of having a quirky, brilliant child. Can I share too? Backstory: my 10yo is in 5th grade at an awesome private school that just fits him, for the first time in his whole life, and it’s amazing. However, the school has just started the process of moving the 5th and 6th grades down to the Lower School, so they’re still working out ways to adjust the maturity level of some things. The school counselor likes to use puppets with the kids — heck, she actually used them with adults on Back to School Night, complete with voices — and my cynical boy finds this more than a little ridiculous. (OK, so do I.) Anyway, he was telling me about his Life Skills class last week. “It was pretty good. You know what was good about it? No puppets. It’s always a good day when a panda’s not talking to you about Mindfulness.” God, I love that kid!

  31. 31
    addy January 31, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    Ahhh life is good!

  32. 32
    Meg January 31, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

    Thanks to Monkey (and you) for cheering me up!

  33. 33
    Rocky Mountain Woman January 31, 2013 at 10:51 pm #

    That reminds me of a conversation I had with my youngest son. It was the day after Christmas and we were going somewhere and there was a dead lab puppy along the road. We were both quiet for a while then my son said “Christmas Puppy” and we kind of turned it into a joke because we were both so horrifed that it was that or start crying.. He’s 30 now and we stil talk about that day and how we both had the same reaction to the unbearable sadness of that puppy….

  34. 34
    Brigitte February 1, 2013 at 8:14 am #

    “Christmas Puppy” makes me think of whenever I see “Lost Cat” signs. Dogs might possibly wander and still be alive somewhere, but you KNOW fluffy is on the side of the road or in a coyote’s gut.

    My 8-yr-old occasionally displays the weirdness. I’m simultaneously proud and horrified at the monster I’ve created.

  35. 35
    Elizabeth Smith February 1, 2013 at 8:24 am #

    My own mother used to pull the woody station wagon over, use ropes put intact specimens (mostly deer) on the roof and put them in a deep freeze for “tanning.”. Except she never tanned any of them. Today, while reading this, I had the shocking and sickening realization that this might have been her solution to putting meat on the table after my father left us. “Dire” doesn’t begin to descri e the poverty, nor does “pride” cover the inability to accept help.

  36. 36
    Eileen February 1, 2013 at 9:18 am #

    Honestly, I know better than to have any sort of liquid in my mouth when I read this blog, but common sense appears to have escaped me today.

    Where are those Lysol wipes?

    Thanks for the laugh :)

  37. 37
    Juli Ward February 1, 2013 at 10:40 am #

    Any kid or thirt that uses the word “indeed” is awesome! Did he use a distinguished sounding voice when he said it?

  38. 38
    Sarahd February 1, 2013 at 11:30 am #

    I have one of those! He is 11. Makes all of the labor/breast feeding/sleepless nights TOTALLY worth it.

  39. 39
    Beth February 1, 2013 at 12:09 pm #

    “Also, I appear to be slightly dead.” I love it. :-D

  40. 40
    Texas Red February 1, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

    I lived in south Texas for four years before I saw a 3-D armadillo. I was starting to think they didn’t exist. Also, they carry leprosy. True fact.

  41. 41
    Katie in MA February 1, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    Ohthankjeebus it’s not just my house. I was worried I was undersaving for the girls’ therapy funds.

  42. 42
    kapgaf February 1, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

    24 hours later and I’m still saying : can curl can’t swim, Stickly Prickly that’s him, can’t curl can swim, Slow-Solid that’s him

  43. 43
    Likethewrap February 1, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    Your Monkey stories make me look forward to the many years with The Boy.

  44. 44
    joaaanna February 1, 2013 at 8:23 pm #

    I really hope my little boy grows up to be just like Monkey!

  45. 45
    Daisy February 1, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

    Real conversations are so much more bloggable than fantasy.

  46. 46
    Brigitte February 2, 2013 at 8:38 am #

    Elizabeth (#35), that is terrible! Yet, the fact that the realization is only hitting you now . . . priceless. I’m sorry!

  47. 47
    Sit Happens February 3, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    True story…. my lovely 89 year old Grandmother always says the same thing about ANYTHING dead on the side of the road, “Awww, someone’s cat…” Deer the size of a tiny electric car with full on rigor, cloven hooves thrust skyward = kitty cat…. I am glad that Monkey was his awesome self on this… he made me smile…. almost as much as my awesome Grandmother does…. Goooo Armadillos!

  48. 48
    not supergirl February 4, 2013 at 8:50 am #

    This makes me smile.

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