Trying not to throw up

Today my Chickadee has been in residential treatment for 36 days. (Not that we’re counting.) She was in acute care for five days before that, so the total 41 days she’s been away is by far the longest we’ve ever been apart.

I keep waiting for it to get easier. Joke’s on me, because it doesn’t.

We have a treatment planning meeting today. Recent comments from her doctor are… not encouraging. I have to get over feeling sick and scared and get my game face on and keep advocating and forget that I only slept three hours last night and that I doubt my ability to keep doing this. We just keep doing what we have to do, I guess.

Oh look, it’s something shiny—I have a new post up over at Feel More Better about the dumbness that is youth, and you can look at that while I try not to barf in my shoes.

77 Responses to “Trying not to throw up”

  1. 1
    Kyre July 17, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    Advocate First, Throw Up Later.

    Go Mama Bear, Go!

    You can do this.

    So many hugs,

  2. 2
    Melinda July 17, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    Sending you strength today, Mir. I wish you could bottle up all the good thoughts we’re all sending your way and carry it in your purse for when you need it most. And sending your girl my best healing thoughts and prayers.

  3. 3
    victoria July 17, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    Thinking of you, your daughter, husband and son. Hoping something gets better, soon.

  4. 4
    CIndy July 17, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    Praying for you right now.

  5. 5
    karen July 17, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    I wish I could erase all the suckage, can’t even find words that sound appropriate.. .just redundant. Thinking of you every step of the way, Mir… hoping something turns around and starts to work to help your family get through this… to give you all the life you deserve.

    When things were really bad here and I would sit on the edge of the bed or on the curb of the hospital entrance wing watching the NORMAL world go by, I remember thinking… How am I going to do this….HOW. I’ve got NOTHING. Well, the truth is as mothers we just keep going, one foot in front of the other… doing the best we can by everyone until we come to a better place. The trick is to also take care of you, and yeah, I know you heard it already more than once and you kinda want to SMACK that person for saying it… but it’s important to also heed that particular advice so that there is something left of you when Chick is in a better place and actually needs you even more.

    I’ll shut up now, but this comes from being in that shitty place and surviving.

  6. 6
    Summer July 17, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    If you barf in your shoes, at least it’s a good excuse to buy new shoes, right?

    Sending love and good wishes. Chickee’s lucky to have you, Mir.

  7. 7
    JennyA July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    Sending all manner of positive thoughts and prayers and things your way…

  8. 8
    cheyenna July 17, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    Hugs. You can do it. Chickadee has so many people rooting for her. I am sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.

  9. 9
    Megan July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am #

    Thinking and hoping for all of you.

  10. 10
    amy July 17, 2012 at 10:10 am #

    Strength and well wishes headed your way.

  11. 11
    Momma Chaos July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am #

    Sending you hugs and strength today. I hope the meeting goes as well as it can!

  12. 12
    Barbara July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    You are amazing. You are strong. You are vulnerable. You are loved.

    These days suck, no other word for it. But you can do what needs to be done, one step, one meeting, one tear at a time. Lots of people, strangers even, are believing in you & holding your family in love.

  13. 13
    JennyA July 17, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    I feel like there’s some kind of Mir’s Army out here pointing ourselves in your direction and doing the Care Bear Stare. (Am I the only one that remembers that?)

  14. 14
    BethRD July 17, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    I am so so hoping that someday this is a part of your life that both you and Chickadee can look back at as that awful time, isn’t it great that things turned out so well after all. Maybe today will be the turning point. Or tomorrow. Hoping it’s soon.

  15. 15
    Katie in MA July 17, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    Go ahead and barf in your shoes – you might feel better. I’d go with you to be your advocate and support system if I could. The situation is more than complete and utter suckage, but you’re not alone. We’re all here for whatever you need. (Including helping you pick out new shoes.)

  16. 16
    Jenn C. July 17, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    You can do this, no matter how much it makes you want to barf in your shoes.

    Holding you and Chickadee into the light today and everyday.

  17. 17
    Aimee July 17, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Even if she doesn’t know it now (maybe ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t know it now) it’s great that Chickadee has such a fierce and loving advocate fighting for her. So many positive thoughts are headed your way — I hope it goes well.

  18. 18
    katiefleck July 17, 2012 at 10:25 am #

    I have to say, this is all scary as hell and I’m rooting for you every step of the way, forwards, backward, sideways. You and your family will get through this.

    As a nursing student with a psych minor, from what I’ve seen, nothing gets better over night. Or sometimes not in 41 days. I think your comparison to brain cancer is fitting, that doesn’t going away immediately either. It takes time for the body to heal. Just keep fighting the good fight. It’s been said before but I’ll say it again, you’re an amazing mom. Don’t ever forget that!

  19. 19
    Nancy R July 17, 2012 at 10:27 am #

    Prayers for strength in advocacy and following your gut.

  20. 20
    Holly July 17, 2012 at 10:28 am #

    Hey, do you have a PO Box or somewhere we could send cards to you and/or your people? I’m a sending cards kind of gal when I’ve got someone on my mind, and I’ve been thinking about y’all quite a bit.

    Advocate, then sleep.

  21. 21
    Erika Jurney July 17, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    You can do it, Mir.

  22. 22
    Karen R. July 17, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    Here’s hoping something really, really good comes your way. For now, stick to shoes you are not that fond of.

  23. 23
    addy July 17, 2012 at 10:40 am #

    Go ahead – Barf! Just try to miss the shoes. They get really sticky and very stinky.
    If there is any calmness left in you – reach for it today. The hysterics you feel will not help during the meeting. Luck and Love!

  24. 24
    Lucinda July 17, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Prayers and love.

  25. 25
    Nelson's Mama July 17, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    I cannot imagine the pit in your stomach. Praying for strength and grace – plus a kindly friend with a Xanax to get you through this day.

  26. 26
    mamalang July 17, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    Nothing new or exciting to add, but want you to know how many people are constantly thinking of you all and praying/hoping/sending good thoughts your way. If I had a magic lamp, I’d use my wishes for you two right now.

  27. 27
    Kim July 17, 2012 at 11:25 am #

    Pulling for you and Chickie and the whole family…

  28. 28
    brigitte July 17, 2012 at 11:28 am #

    Maybe barf first, so you don’t get any on the doctor in the meeting. :-(

  29. 29
    suburbancorrespondent July 17, 2012 at 11:35 am #

    Keep pedaling. As Glennon over at Momastery says, we can do hard things.

  30. 30
    Leanne R July 17, 2012 at 11:37 am #


  31. 31
    HG July 17, 2012 at 11:41 am #

    I have no doubt that you will be just the advocate she needs.

  32. 32
    Tracy B July 17, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    You can do this, Mir! {{{{hugs}}}} Now, chin up! Go get em’!

  33. 33
    Kristie July 17, 2012 at 11:58 am #

    Wow. I cannot even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I have nothing to offer that will make any of this better. I just want to say that I’m reading and sending hopeful vibes to you and your family.

  34. 34
    Andrea July 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    This momma bear has an 11 year old son with a brain tumor and I was just released from the psych unit (after having a complete breakdown with harmful tendencies). I understand how hard this is. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I pray for the best outcome for your family. What really prompted me to comment though was to say thank you. Your post about Radical Acceptance hit home and really helped me on my road to recovery. Thank you for continuing to share with us… even the really, really hard bits.

  35. 35
    Crista July 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

    Just offering more of the same–hugs, love, strength, prayers and whatever else is needed. I have been keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers, even if I don’t comment on every post.

  36. 36
    suzie July 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    I have a friend who’s teen daughter spent time in a residential facility for psychiatric care, triggered by an extended illness, loss of school, etc. It was a long road (months, not years) to get her back home, and then another long road (months, not years) to get her feeling healthy and back into the community. I saw her out and about the other day, laughing and smiling with her friends.

    I hope for the same for Chickadee. And in the meantime, send lots of stranger-hugs your way.


  37. 37
    Jean July 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    Also offering strength and prayers…….

  38. 38
    Jamie July 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm #

    Hugs and strength for you all today!

  39. 39
    Beth B. July 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm #

    Praying for you and your family.

  40. 40
    Leah July 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    Praying for you.

  41. 41
    Mary K. in Rockport July 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    Facing reality is important – but so is having a therapist with a positive attitude. Be sure that what you are hearing matches what, deep in your heart, you know about your own child.

  42. 42
    Sarahtoo July 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    More hugs coming to you from your friends in the internets. You can do this, Mir. You are the best momma, and you will do what Chickie needs you to, even if she can’t thank you for it now. Barf if you need to, but don’t doubt that you’re doing what should be done.

  43. 43
    Tricia July 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    I keep hoping that things are looking up for your family and that Chickie is making great breakthroughs. I’m sending virtual hugs and wishing that there was something we could all do to help.

  44. 44
    Mandy July 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm #


    and I second the request for a P.O. Box – for cards and for donations so all the girls at the residential facility can have the toiletries they need and want. (And if we all send you Amazon gift cards and you “SHOP PRETTY”, do you get a commission? Because that would rock.)

    we love you guys.

  45. 45
    Karen July 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

    Just wanted to say…I’ve barfed in shoes once before, but it’s not that bad and you feel better after. Of course, they were my dad’s shoes after he took them off, on a boat…and all the contents went right in…because I was resting my head on his lap.

    Barf if you need to, even if you make a mess. :)

    Much love to you and your family, as always. Hugs!

  46. 46
    Jeanie July 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

    Please know that prayers continue for Chickie and your entire family. And please continue to keep us updated on her progress. Hugs and blessings.

  47. 47
    Jessie July 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

    I started reading your blog right before everything seemed to change for your family. I find myself sick for you. Mad for you. My Mamas heart swells with pride in the steps you take even when you feel that you cannot. My eyes overflow when I read your posts. There are prayers ascending for your little Chickadee in Littleton Colorado and for you as well. I pray for you to one day soon have a boring day with nothing more to worry about than the laundry. Keep your head up and when you can’t, well, that’s fine too.

  48. 48
    ccr in MA July 17, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    You can do it, because you have to do it, so you will do it. Just keep swimming…

  49. 49
    Janet July 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Hang in there…lots of good thoughts coming your way.

  50. 50
    Krystal July 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    Thinking of you today and sending positive thoughts your way.

  51. 51
    Navhelowife July 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

    Sending love and good thoughts. May you find peace, and may C find peace as well. Praying for strength and comfort for you.
    Wish I was close enough to be of some practical help as well.

  52. 52
    NTE July 17, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

    “I have to get over feeling sick and scared and get my game face on and keep advocating and forget that I only slept three hours last night and that I doubt my ability to keep doing this. We just keep doing what we have to do, I guess.” Oh boy: This. So much this.

    I’ve been caught up in my own reasons for game face lately, but I’m keeping you, Chickadee and the rest of your clan in my thoughts. xo

  53. 53
    RuthWells July 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Keep swimming, darling.

  54. 54
    Chris July 17, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    I sit many miles away from my own Chickie for very different reasons and can’t imagine your mama bear angst. This is clearly a one foot in front of the other, game face on situation and is why the universe has mama bears in the first place. Not because it is easy but because the mama bear is fierce and is in it until the end.

    I hope for some improvement and some peace for you all.

  55. 55
    Deanna July 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    Hugs and well wishes from the middle of the country. Hope today went well. Maybe that’s not the right way to say that– hope today held no new bad news, and was vomit-free.

    Hang in there!!

  56. 56
    Kristi S July 17, 2012 at 11:58 pm #


  57. 57
    Michelle July 18, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    With each new development I keep hoping and praying that this is the last hurdle for you and that from her on out it’s just downhill coasting to happily ever after. I’lll keep praying and maybe someday soon everything will be all better and you can take a few deep breaths and recover.

  58. 58
    Susan in SF July 18, 2012 at 8:39 am #

    Hoping there were some bits of light that came out of the meeting yesterday, to help you keep going. More thoughts and prayers coming your way from the west coast.

    (and add in one more person who’d love to send something for you guys to a P.O. Box if one becomes available…..)

  59. 59
    jennifer July 18, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    oh, Mir. my heart aches.
    I fourth the PO box, sending amazon gift cards and/or toiletries… I want to do something. Not doing is hard.

  60. 60
    Heather July 18, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    Sending love and hugs and prayers.

  61. 61
    shadymama July 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm #

    still lighting candles, for you, mir. every night. sending vibes vibes vibes, a cool breeze and a deep breath – you are not alone. xo

  62. 62
    C M July 18, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    I spent 3 months hospitalized. It was tough on me. It was tough on those who cared about me. It seemed like that time would never end and I’d always be in the hospital (yet next month it will be 18 years since I was discharged for the last time). I don’t have a crystal ball and I can’t tell you how things will be for Chickadee, but your family is in my thoughts in prayers. For me, I made no progress until a psychiatrist said something that caused me to get stubborn, mad, and determined to prove him wrong – and within 3 weeks things went from hopeless to hopeful. I hope they can find a similar trigger for her.

  63. 63
    Jessica July 18, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

    I found in high school that when I was nervous (I had a “nervous stomach,” mainly in the mornings) that sometimes just harfing and getting it over with made me feel better.

    Not that I advocate harfing randomly when you are anxious about things, because I did generally outgrow that. I mean, I don’t do it anymore. Ever. Really.

    Keeping you guys in our prayers up here. Too bad that baking & taking cinnamon rolls along with you probably wouldn’t make these people more inclined to help — or at least keep Chickie’s belongings and self more safe while she has to be there.

  64. 64
    Lisa Kay July 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

    Oh, Mir, can I fourth the PO box thing? I mean, I think about you guys all the time, and I say a prayer every time you cross my mind, but I’m with Holly way up there: I’m a “send a card” or “send some chocolate” kind of person. (I think it’s because my love language is “gifts” so, therefore, I LOVE giving gifts. Even if they’re just “hoo ha’s”, which translates into “just a little something”!)
    Anyway, think it over. I know that you said that you didn’t want to set up a PayPal button or anything, but might this be another way for us to show you our support?

    Regardless, please know that my heart aches for you and Chickie and Monkey and Otto as you go through this hell and I will continue to pray for all four of you.

  65. 65
    Heidi July 18, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    Maybe watching pandas on a slide will help…

  66. 66
    Emily July 19, 2012 at 1:05 am #

    Sending continued prayers for endurance you and the family and love… lots of love! And continued cheers for all you are doing. Kind of reminds me of the Churchill quote about “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” We’re here on the interwebs with you, cheering you on as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

  67. 67
    kim @frogpondsrock July 19, 2012 at 3:45 am #

    I don’t know if you have seen “Finding Nemo” The character Dory resonates with me and her Mantra of “Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming” has become my own, Feel free to use it at will :)

  68. 68
    Erin July 19, 2012 at 7:02 am #

    Thinking of you (and your family) today & every day! I don’t really know what to say, but I wanted you to know that you’ve got so many people here sending all their positive energy your direction! And Andrea up there at #34 is one important reason it’s so wonderful that you’re writing–so thank you, on ALL of our behalfs!

  69. 69
    Annie July 19, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    But was the melon good? (lame attempt at humor)

  70. 70
    Andrea July 19, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

    I am going to pray for your daughter’s health, peace for you and your family, and add a prayer for your daughter’s team that they find a way to help her–that they can find that light at the end of the tunnel that is out there for her.

  71. 71
    Natasha July 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

    Love you. Always.

  72. 72
    DW July 19, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    Thinking about you and your wonderful daughter.

  73. 73
    Asea July 20, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    For anyone else who gets here as late as I, the link has changed to

  74. 74
    ann July 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    Just wanted to stop by and encourage you. I have a family member that struggles with mental illness and it hurts our heart to say those two words because while we love him and see the good in him it is painful to think that others will be judgemental. However, nothing hurts more than when it is your child. Hang in there. It is sometimes all you can do. Good days will come again.

  75. 75
    Stimey July 20, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    Love you, Mir.

  76. 76
    andrea garnier July 21, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    Have you heard of a supplement called truehope? It has helped my friend with severe manic depression. I have heard such good things about it. If you google True Hope it will come up. It was developed by two people here in Alberta, not big pharma. I wonder if it could help your daughter? My dad is bipolar and mental health is always foremost in my mind. I just ordered some of the supplements from the website to try with my 14 yr old daughter who is very anxious at times. I am so hoping that it helps.

  77. 77
    EG July 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    I’m feeling barfy on your behalf. Can’t imagine how barfy you feel. Prayers.

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