Christ is risen, and my foot is delicious

Today we are carefully preparing for this holiest of weekends in the standard way: You know, getting up early, cajoling the children into doing yard work with us while they complain bitterly (“I hit my leg on the wheelbarrow!” “These sticks are hurting my hands!”), then realizing that tomorrow is Easter and we have no food and I have to go grocery shopping.

The usual.

Anyway, as I wandered through the supermarket, comparing prices on various hunks of delicious pig meats (Jesus probably kept kosher, which makes the Easter fixation on giant hams rather odd), I felt almost peaceful. We got a lot done this morning. And I was shopping alone, in blessed, whine-free silence.

All of this is preface to telling you that I have no idea WHY—when the cashier held up a little donation slip and asked me if I wanted to “Donate a dollar to save a baby”—the thing that fell out of my mouth was, “No thanks, I hate babies!”

I was joking. She was horrified.

I’m an ass. (Sorry, Jesus. Please accept this pie by way of apology.)

33 Responses to “Christ is risen, and my foot is delicious”

  1. 1
    Nancy April 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Happy Easter.

  2. 2
    Jill W. April 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

    LOL!

  3. 3
    Bryan April 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    I double love this post. Last Father’s Day, my sister and I were at the Orange Home Improvement Store buying gas grill stuff. The cashier told us to have a nice day, and my sister said, “We are; we’re going to go home and burn some dead cow.”

    The cashier was a vegan and very shocked.

    Not as excellent as you hating babies, but thought you might laugh.

  4. 4
    Karen April 7, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

    At the kids’ preschool Easter egg hunt this morning the nice church lady gave a big explanation at the beginning saying the best egg to get was the empty one (yeah, also known as THE LOSER EGG.) Chris and I really flipped out when one of our little twins got an egg with plastic wrap that said TEAM JESUS on it. And we’re having bacon for breakfast, no question.

  5. 5
    Em April 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm #

    THAT is awesome!

  6. 6
    Celeste April 7, 2012 at 4:47 pm #

    Yeah, isn’t it funny how Christians traditionally eat pig on Easter? (I’m Christian but I think so)

  7. 7
    KateB April 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

    Oh, how I loved reading that. Happy Easter to you all.

  8. 8
    margaret April 7, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Love it! I love to say that my intention is not to shock people, but I feel somewhat proud when I do it by accident. My sister STOLE the story about my saying “burn some dead cow” to a vegan, and I’m not sure that my story of shocking the young cashier at the sex toy story is completely appropriate. So I will simply compliment you: WELL PLAYED, indeed!

  9. 9
    Shannon April 7, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    LMAO. That is so something that I would say.

  10. 10
    Heather April 7, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    I am QUITE surprised that she took you seriously :P

  11. 11
    amy April 7, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

    Oh come on, that’s Pure Funny right there!! :)

  12. 12
    Jen5253 April 7, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    That is hilarious!!! That’s something I could see my hubby saying. I bet the look on the cashier’s face was priceless!

  13. 13
    Tara April 7, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    Wait, aren’t you Jewish? Not that it matters, just confused. But yeah, that’s pretty damn funny.

  14. 14
    jennamom2boys April 7, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

    That is just pure awesomeness right there, finally admitting that you hate babies! We all suspected it.

    We live in a neighborhood in SC (suburbs of Charlotte, NC) where for some reason people love to spend their hard-earned money on fireworks at every possible holiday. I don’t know, maybe in the bible somewhere it says “Thou shalt remember the gory execution and death of your Savior by blowing stuff up and dining from the swine.” (Two things I’m pretty sure He wouldn’t have done, so it is ironic.)

  15. 15
    diane April 7, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

    Ha!
    All of my self-proclaimed atheist friends are home for the holiday weekend, and I, the lone sorta-Christian, will be eating pie and quiche with my sweetie. Easter is a weird holiday.

  16. 16
    Damsel April 7, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    When asked the age-old question, “Paper or plastic?”, my aunt always replies, “It doesn’t matter; I’m bisacksual.”

  17. 17
    Kate April 8, 2012 at 12:00 am #

    I just spit tea out my nose! Too funny!
    With regard to the Easter Feast … My family is from Wales and our family’s traditional Easter meal was rabbit. When I was a toddler, my mom finally put her foot down as eating the Easter Bunny was just getting too weird! We then switched to lamb!
    Happy Easter to you!
    xoxo,
    kathy

  18. 18
    Jessica April 8, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    My husband and I were just talking about this at the grocery store a few hours ago. (Yes, we both did the “Oh, wait, Easter is tomorrow! Let’s go get a roast and other delicious foodstuffs. And candy!”, too.) I walked by the large container of hams and said, “Isn’t it weird that Jesus was Jewish and more than likely kept kosher, yet a lot of people eat ham at Easter?”

    Neither of us really like ham all that much, so we were walking toward the beef roasts (BOGOF with coupon!). “Yeah,” he replied, “and that some people eat lamb on Easter when they are celebrating the risen Lamb.”

    We had a slightly blasphemous chuckle about that one, as neither of us really eat lamb either (although my husband will if it’s the main meat of the meal), and we’d had that discussion at his mother’s expense once a few years ago.

    I just don’t get the ironic meats of Easter.

  19. 19
    Jessica April 8, 2012 at 12:36 am #

    Oh, geez. I just read the comment above mine there, and the rabbit one just adds to the whole “ironic meats of Easter” thing! ;~)

    What IS it with Easter and all of the weird meat issues surrounding it?

  20. 20
    Liv April 8, 2012 at 2:26 am #

    L. O. L. Happy Easter, Mir! :)

  21. 21
    Debbi April 8, 2012 at 6:38 am #

    How very weird is it that the ad displayed in the truncated version of this post (in my Google Reader feed) is for DVOR knives. The knife illustration looks absolutely EVIL. Just the ad for someone who hates babies. Heh.

  22. 22
    Jen April 8, 2012 at 8:24 am #

    Thanks for the laugh Mir. I’m faced with a facebook page of people I know posting pics of all the crap the ‘Easter Bunny’ brought their kids – most of these people gave their kids more for Easter than I give my son fof Christmas! Honestly, it’s getting on my nerves a little. My boy got a bunny and some eggs to hunt. And bunny pancakes.

  23. 23
    Megan April 8, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    I’m loving Damsel’s aunt!

    I once said, ‘mmmm! Thanks, I’ll save two! They’re delicious!’ I was with one of my favorite fellow-blasphemers and we fell all over each other laughing so I have no idea if the poor cashier reacted or not. Looking back I’m pretty sure it wasn’t nearly as funny as it seemed at the time…

  24. 24
    Lindsey April 8, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    That is Awesome, with a capital A. Had I been the cashier, I would have laughed right out loud! Happy Easter, Mir! :)

  25. 25
    Kathy April 8, 2012 at 11:20 am #

    That is so funny. When I was pregnant a cashier once asked if I knew what I was having. I told her, “They keep telling me it’s a baby, but I am hoping for puppies.” My mother was horrified, the cashier apologized and I laughed all the way to the car.

  26. 26
    Better Life April 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm #

    That is so hilarious, I love messing with cashiers. I’ll use that next time I’m asked that question.

  27. 27
    Lori N April 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    I love the “would you like a little guilt with your groceries?” question.

  28. 28
    Alice April 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    These check-out moments are *awesome* I think that the ‘hoping for puppies’ one is my favorite, but ‘bisacksual’ is pretty good, too. All I can say is that I think you all have lucky cashiers – I don’t remember getting to experience this level of banter when I worked retail.

  29. 29
    Another Dawn April 8, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

    Hoping for puppies!

    Bisacksual!

    I hate babies!

    You’re all my kinda people.

  30. 30
    nicole April 9, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    THAT is awesome!

  31. 31
    12tequilas April 10, 2012 at 1:18 pm #

    You are the funniest person in the world to me right now.

  32. 32
    mamaspeak April 10, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Have to agree, you’re all my tribe.

  33. 33
    JonahGirl April 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    This was a great laugh! Thanks. I imagine God was laughing with you. God seems to like humor.

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