I was hoping to go on a diet, anyway

Don’t I look calm? Serene? Nary a care in the world? It’s the drugs.

Just an update on yesterday’s post, because I know you all care VERY DEEPLY: Our missing fence section never showed up, yesterday. Around 4:00 Otto called the fence company to say YES HI I AM WONDERING IF YOU EVER DO WHAT YOU’LL SAY YOU’LL DO and was told that our crew was on another job and then the equipment broke and they were delayed and blah blah blah FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, WE PROMISE.

First thing this morning the foreman of a THIRD crew (just in case you’re keeping count) showed up, and proceeded to sit in my yard just outside my office window—that wasn’t creepy at all—for an hour until his crew showed. They are working on closing the fence off with the final section, now. But it still needs repairs/replacements and we’re not dealing with any of that until next week when we get back from camping. So! Let us now ignore the fence! LALALALA!

Instead, let’s talk about my poor tongue.

Remember how last month my dentist decided I needed a tongue biopsy? I dutifully followed all instructions and took myself to the oral surgeon, who looked at my tongue for approximately three seconds and told me to come back for a biopsy. “Do you think you need to be sedated for that?” he asked. I must’ve looked confused. “We do it with novocaine, and it’s not painful, really, but if you’re a nervous sort you may want us to sedate you for it. But I think you’ll be okay!” I agreed, because it’s a teeny patch on the side of my tongue, and I’ve had novocaine before, and I figured I was going to be driving myself to this appointment and therefore shouldn’t be loopy.

But as the Day of the Biopsy neared, I did get a little nervous. Just a little. And so when Otto offered to come with me I congratulated him on his excellent idea, and as he drove me over there yesterday I popped an expired Ativan, hoping it would keep the nerves at bay.

It turns out that expired Ativan doesn’t actually work as well as the kind that hasn’t been in your possession for ten years. Go figure.

I soldiered on, though, and got checked in, and sat and talked with Otto until they called my name. Then I was taken back and settled in the chair and had my blood pressure taken while an assistant laid out a plethora of torture devices on the tray in front of me. I began counting my breaths… in for 1… 2… 3… out for 1… 2… 3… and just when I was about to tell them Hey, know what, I’m all set, I’m just gonna go, thanks, the doctor showed up.

So he painted the side of my tongue with some numbing stuff and picked up the syringe to do the novocaine. “Just a little pinch, here, sorry” he said. It wasn’t too bad. I perked up considerably, because hey, NOT TOO BAD! Yay! Then they left me for a few minutes to let the numbing work.

At that point, I started to relax. I may have drifted off a little while I waited, even. This was going to be a piece of cake.

But then the doctor came back to do “just a little more novocaine.” And those next four shots were pushed through the numb surface of my tongue all the way through to my brain stem, because HOLY HELL, that was pain unlike any other. My nails dug into the arms of the exam chair and my eyes went all wide and the assistant said “I’m sorry, little pinch” and I wanted to LITTLE PINCH HER HEAD.

I think that only took about a minute, which, granted, is like three hours in Dental Torture time, but still.

The good news is that I was, indeed, totally numb. The bad news is that I guess there isn’t any way for that little laser machine they use for the cutting to cauterize the tissue without it smelling really bad. And there I am—all numb, with one person operating on the side of my tongue and another holding my tongue in place while I lie there, helpless and drooling—forced to smell my own burning flesh. FUN!

The removal of the sample for biopsy took less time than the three stitches he put in, afterward. (Also fun: Watching a giant fish hook coming at your tongue, repeatedly!) I was numb from my nose to my neck, but was warned that the pain would be “significant” once the novocaine wore off. Then they tried to give me a prescription for a narcotic that makes me barf. When I declined that, they offered me another one that makes me barf. I asked for a third that I’m pretty sure doesn’t make me sick, but they didn’t want to give me that, so instead they wrote a script for something I’ve never had before.

I took the pain pill last night and within an hour I wasn’t just in pain, I was also sick. (I would make a terrible addict. Too many drugs make me sick.) So I lay down for a while and went to bed early, and this morning I took a handful of Advil, instead. It then took me close to an hour to manage to drink about four ounces.

Do you know when your tongue moves? ALL THE DAMN TIME. Like, I guess in theory I understood that you tongue moves whenever you’re swallowing something, but I was ASTOUNDED at how much tongue movement is apparently required to get liquid down the throat. My last meal was lunch yesterday, and my every attempt since then to actually consume anything other than sips of water has been excruciating.

(That’s your cue to say: Poor, poor little bunny, by the way.)

I feel completely ridiculous, having apparently been bested by a tiny white circle on my tongue that’s going to turn out to be nothing more than a boat payment for the oral surgeon. But owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Oh, well. It’s a decent distraction from the fence, I guess.

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65 Responses to “I was hoping to go on a diet, anyway”

  1. 1
    parodie May 26, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    You poor little bunny. That sounds absolutely horrible!
    Definitely time for Popsicles.

  2. 2
    Genevieve May 26, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    Pobrecita canejo! (Poor little bunny, I think) Popsicles sound like a good idea, and yeah, enforced diet (that’s what I think about this stomach bug, at least there’s a small upside). Hoping you feel much better, very very soon.

  3. 3
    divrchk May 26, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    Please keep us posted on your results. I pray for the best results, and I’m not a prayer. My mother’s best friend had oral cancer. That is all I’ll say until you get your fantastic results back.

    Enjoy your camping!

  4. 4
    Mandee May 26, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    That sounds absolutely miserable. I had oral surgery when I was 15 and discovered then that Tylenol 3 makes me barf. Nothing worse than barfing with stitches in your mouth! So sorry! The only narcotic my sister can take is one that combines phenergan with the narcotic. Maybe you could try some of that? Hope you feel better soon.

  5. 5
    Nelson's Mama May 26, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    My theory in life is this: Always go for the sedation if there is ANY question. Just sayin’.

    So sorry your tongue hurts, that’s a bitch!

  6. 6
    Kelly May 26, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    oh you poor little bunny. I see something shiny over there!

  7. 7
    FreeRange Pamela May 26, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    Aw… poor you. Definitely sounds awful. Hope it doesn’t last too long.

  8. 8
    Jenn C. May 26, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    You sure earned all the poor little bunny comments that you will surely get today. Holy jeez, that sounds absolutely terrible! On the good news side, your tongue usually heals really really quickly, so you should be feeling better soon.

  9. 9
    Lynn in Mass May 26, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    I feel for you. I give you a TON of credit and guts for going. I hate to admit it but I am a HUGE baby when it comes to the dentist or doctors. I could not even fully read about your experience without feeling queezy.

  10. 10
    Christina May 26, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    Poor, poor little bunny, that seriously sounds dreadful! I hope you can still manage to enjoy your camping trip! Maybe call the office and tell them the med they gave you is making you sick just like the others they suggested and could they please please please call in X for you so you can not be in excruciating pain?!

  11. 11
    Jamie May 26, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    This whole post makes me want to barf. I despise dental/oral work so much! Those shots and the huge needles they use freak me out. I’ve always said I’d rather go to the gynecologist than the dentist!

  12. 12
    RuthWells May 26, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    Poor little bunny! It sucks that the good drugs make you sick, as they are really the only compensation for being a Responsible Adult and having these procedures done.

    Poor bunny.

  13. 13
    Kelly Allan May 26, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    I feel you about the fence. My neighbors cut down about 20 elm trees…just BECAUSE. The sound of the chainsaw inches (literally) away from my house made me go crazy.I felt like I should be in an Edgar Allan Poe poem.

  14. 14
    ellbee May 26, 2011 at 10:05 am #

    Ow. You are indeed the most pitiful of all the poor little bunnies. I myself just had a few cavities filled, and managed to actually bite part of my lip OFF in an ill-advised post-appointment sushi lunch with a numb face. (Apparently raw fish and my lip have the same consistancy? Who knew?)
    All that being said, though, you’ve got stitches, which always wins.

  15. 15
    Tenessa May 26, 2011 at 10:06 am #

    I hate when doctors won’t prescribe the pain medication that doesn’t make you sick.

  16. 16
    sonia May 26, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    Ok, I should definitely feel more guilty for laughing out loud while reading about your pain! This was a very amusing entry at your tongue’s expense. Thanks for the chuckle this morning and you should use this experience as a perfectly appropriate excuse to eat things cold and creamy!

  17. 17
    amy May 26, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    I’m not calling on the pity train here, but I understand the confusion with the tongue-movement thing. I got my tongue pierced and it took two weeks to heal. I was extremely lucky and didn’t swell up after it got done, but trying to eat was PURE AND UTTER HELL. Pure liquid diet until the pain is gone. I lived on icy cold water and noodles.

  18. 18
    hollygee May 26, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Ow.

    Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow .
    Poor tiny bunny. Sleep as much as possible. Unconscious is good.

  19. 19
    suzie May 26, 2011 at 10:24 am #

    Ouch! I hope you feel better very soon.

    I recently had a procedure done (not on my mouth) while awake, and they also cauterized, and that is not something I want to smell again.

    The nurse I had offered me a blindfold to wear during the procedure, and I accepted. I highly recommend that (in case you ever have to do this again, hopefully not!). They also offered me Valium in advance – called it in the day before, I picked it up on may to the doctor’s, and popped the pill after I got checked in. It made it so that the blindfold did work to make me calm down a little bit and it allowed me to try to convince myself that I wasn’t being cut open.

    Can’t wait to find out what happens with the fence! Can’t you live-blog it???

  20. 20
    Celeste May 26, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Mir, let this be a lesson to you. I’m sure this is from biting your tongue and keeping quitet when a sarcastic comment pops into your head. Waiting until you are blogging to get it out of your system is toxic. It’s time to stop biting your tongue and just say whatever pops into your head. Your tongue will thank you. (You’re welcome!)

  21. 21
    Karate Mom May 26, 2011 at 10:32 am #

    Bunny pauvres!! (That’s poor bunny in French!) I hope you feel better soon! And I’m seething about the fence on your behalf. It’s amazing to me how many contractors out there are complete boneheads!

  22. 22
    Karen R. May 26, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    Awwww. Poor, poor little bunny. I hope you heal quickly, have the best outcome, and that your fence ends up perfect.

  23. 23
    Aimee May 26, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    Poor, poooooor little bunny! (Hey, I’m nothing if not obedient.) (Okay, I’m not really obedient at all. I’m nothing if not accommodating!)

    I hope you’re feeling better soon that and the mother-flipping fence is also feeling better soon.

  24. 24
    Tracy B May 26, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Awww, poor, poor little bunny! I hope you have a blast on your camping trip and that when you arrive back you are refreshed and relaxed to tackle the fence once again. You know they say your tongue is the fastest healing muscle in your body….just concentrate on that bit of trivia. Happy Camping!

  25. 25
    The Mommy Therapy May 26, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    Oh my Lord I am NEVER having anything done to my tongue, ever. This sounds simply horrible. I feel really badly for you.

    Just the smell of burning flesh alone made me throw up a little in my mouth.

    I hope this ends for you soon and you can eat AND have a fence, dare to dream.

  26. 26
    meghann May 26, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    Maskini kidogo bunny.

    (Poor little bunny in Swahili!)

  27. 27
    Susan May 26, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    That sounds horrible! Hope it heals quickly.

  28. 28
    jwg May 26, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    Valuable lesson. If they offer you sedation, take it! They are trying to tell you something.

  29. 29
    JaneB May 26, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    Poor little bunny! Popsicles, a little warm soup, and LOTS OF SYMPATHY are prescribed along with a good dose of No Children Fighting, and complete control of the remote when you feel up to watching the TV.

    Hope it passes off soon

  30. 30
    Lucinda May 26, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    I’m pretty sure there is parenting fodder here. Yes Chickadee, I know you had a bad day but were you forced TO SMELL YOUR OWN BURNING FLESH? Please, I’m sure someone can do the dishes tonight, someone who didn’t smell their own burning flesh! I could go on and on here but I think you get the point, you poor little bunny.

  31. 31
    sandy May 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    I think I have a partial solution for you – Get some straws. Blend something good like fruit and ice cream and slowly suck it down. The popsicle idea is good too. I had oral surgery once where they had to trim back some gum tissue. After the novacaine wore off I was in the worst pain I’d felt in a long while. I popped one of the tylenol with codeine pills they had prescribed and it was instant happy time. No pain at all. It was amazing. Here’s the obligatory “You poor little bunny” :)

    Rest up. I’m sure the results will be good.

    Sandy

  32. 32
    Pamela May 26, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    That really is terrible. I hate mouth pain.

  33. 33
    Chuck May 26, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    Ouch. Hope you feel better soon Mir! I was in agony one time after I had a skin graft done and the doctor didn’t want me to have ANY pain medicine. I finally found some OTC stuff that helped.

  34. 34
    karen May 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

    O.M. G. Hey Mir’s DAD!!!… Time for another Cruise, I’m thinking. Like.. yesterday!…

    P.S. Can I come?

  35. 35
    Daisy May 26, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Sending you positive thoughts. I wish I could send you decent pain killers!

  36. 36
    Scottsdale Girl May 26, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

    oooh that tongue better heal before there are S’Mores to be eaten!!!!

  37. 37
    Crista May 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    I’m surprised nobody has said this yet…wait for it…are you ready?…It could be worse! There are starving children in Africa! :D
    Too soon?
    I cannot even imagine pain that wouldn’t allow you to swallow, you poor little bunny.
    I hope it gets better soon.

  38. 38
    Andrea May 26, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    Poor little bunny! A sore tongue is the worst. There’s some stuff called Kanka that I bought for a horrible canker sore on my tongue a few months ago. It tastes disgusting but paints a numbing/protective coating on your sore spot. Might help a little!
    By the way, your hair is very pretty, and you’re SO, SO thin! :)

  39. 39
    Sharon May 26, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    Oh my goodness! I hope you are feeling much better very soon (and that the fence workers get it together.)

  40. 40
    pam May 26, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    Pauvre petit lapin.

  41. 41
    alihua May 26, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Ooooowwww! You know what else is fun to smell burning? Your eyeball when they do PRK…but totally worth it

  42. 42
    Peggy Fry May 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

    whatever you do, do NOT use chloraseptic – the “numbing” agent that is supposed to help your sore throat is useless (and tastes nasty). And the alcohol in it will BURN the healing tissue. I had gum surgery once and found this out for myself. nuff sayin. In the meantime….po po po mir!!!!

  43. 43
    djlott May 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm #

    Poor little bunny…
    please tell us how much it hurts to laugh when your tongue hurts.

  44. 44
    Heather May 26, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    Ouchies! Pauvre petit lapin, indeed!

  45. 45
    mamalang May 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    That totally sucks. You are a better woman than me…I would have had to be sedated, which would probably mean I’d end up in the hospital. Hope the pain ends quickly! Maybe call your primary about pain meds?

  46. 46
    Liza May 26, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    Poor little bunny! I hope your tongue heals quickly! And that Otto and your kids are extra good to you while you recover.

  47. 47
    Bethany May 26, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

    Can you believe, after this experience, that there are people in the world who get their tongue pierced ON PURPOSE? It is beyond my comprehension. Truly.

  48. 48
    Little Bird May 26, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    Poor little bunny!!! Dentists really don’t know how to give shots, do they? Cosby was RIGHT.

  49. 49
    Sheryl May 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    Oh my gosh, I know you must be hurting, and I don’t want to laugh at your pain, but this line cracked me up. “Do you know when your tongue moves? ALL THE DAMN TIME.” Oh, thanks. I needed that

  50. 50
    Kemi May 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    I think my tongue just swelled in sympathy for yours. Suddenly, I’m finding hard to swallow.

    Also, “LITTLE PINCH HER HEAD” is my new favorite saying. I remember a certain anesthesiologist telling me that the numbing shot for my epidural was going to feel a little like a bee sting, but nothing major. After I picked myself back up off the floor, I asked him what sort of giant-ass bees sting him with liquid fire? He was amused. I was NOT.

  51. 51
    Kemi May 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    *it. Finding *it* hard to swallow.

    Think and type, too, apparently…

  52. 52
    MamaChristy May 26, 2011 at 5:04 pm #

    Poor, poor little bunny. Better a boat payment than cancer, baby. Feel better. If I remember correctly, mouth things heal fast because of the whole having-to-eat thing. May that be true for you!

  53. 53
    Kristi May 26, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    Poor little bunny indeed.

  54. 54
    Stimey May 26, 2011 at 5:46 pm #

    I’m kind of curled up in a wincing ball of horror right now. That sounds terrible. I’m so glad it’s done, you poor little bunny.
    *shiver*

  55. 55
    Kate May 26, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    I was all prepared to one-up you with my Wisdom Tooth Story of Doom, but…yeah. One really can’t one-up your story. YOU WIN.

    (Hope tonight finds you much more comfortable.)

  56. 56
    Another Dawn May 26, 2011 at 11:26 pm #

    POOR LITTLE BUNNY!!!

    I mean it. If I get one of those little bumps on my tongue it’s painful enough. I can’t IMAGINE having stitches in my tongue. Ouch, ouch, and OUCH!!!

  57. 57
    Lynda M O May 27, 2011 at 12:04 am #

    Will house projects for which we must hire outside “help” ever become less than a nightmare ?~!

    Mouth sore, needles, lasers, pinches….All this and No Nitrous Oxide ??? You must be wack, woman.

  58. 58
    Kathy May 27, 2011 at 1:00 am #

    Oh. My. God. That is a description of just about the worst day ever. My tongue hurts just thinking about what you went through. I thought the fence sh!t was bad … but this is just crazy hell on top of that!

    Hang in there … keep pushing the drugs that DON’T make you sick … and get better soon! (especially so you can have Otto’s back while he takes out the fence peeps!)

    xoxo,
    kathy

  59. 59
    addy May 27, 2011 at 1:30 am #

    Awwww – poor,poor little bunny – did the mean, mean dentist man hurt you? There there puddin’ it will be ok real soon

  60. 60
    Katie in MA May 27, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    Poor, poor little bunny. I hope you’ve at least worked your way up to ice cream by now. :(

  61. 61
    Katie in MA May 27, 2011 at 10:46 am #

    (Heh – just reading over the comments now and was amused by all the ‘poor little bunny’ messages. We are direction followers! And you should tell us all to send you dollars and you can buy your own damn boat.)

  62. 62
    Kim May 27, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    Poor, poor little bunny…but your hair is so shiny, and you look so PRETTY today, even with the sickness and the laser and the hole in your tongue. Girl, you make that look GOOD!

    Hang in there, Mir ~ and enjoy camping.

  63. 63
    Cele May 27, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    You are the second person I know who has had a mouth biopsy this week, my friend’s was on the inside of her lip. I feel for both you.

    Maragritas and vacation anyone?

  64. 64
    Alex | Perfecting Dad May 28, 2011 at 1:25 am #

    Just came by here for the first time. I’ll chime in with my own poor bunny. Also, the fence will be built someday. My fence was just finished after a year.

  65. 65
    Jacqueline May 28, 2011 at 3:22 am #

    Aw, poor Mir. I have had the lovely vomit inducing pain pills after oral surgery too, no fun at all.

    Do you read Fluid Pudding? Her post today also involved skin cauterization, and included the following sentence that made me laugh and laugh:

    “Moral of the Story: You might think you’re better/smarter/cuter/et cetera than (insert your foe’s name here), but at the end of the day, you both smell like delicious pork chops when your skin is on fire. Sleep tight.”
    (http://fluidpudding.com/)

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