It’s not that the irony of being someone who mostly works at home in solitude (and prefers jeans when heading out into the world) doling out fashion advice is lost on me, it’s just that it all seems to have become quite SERIOUS up in here, the last couple of weeks. And I need a break.
Also, I’ve been shopping. And out in the world with people. And I have opinions. STRONG opinions, I guess you might say, about things that people are wearing and doing. No one died and left me boss, but my inner Fashion Hulk would like to vent a bit.
(My inner Fashion Hulk likes to put on my son’s Hulk Hands—which say theraputic phrases like “HULK ANGRY!” and “HULK SMASH!”—while working out a little bit of aggression via dangerous activities like punching the couch. You should totally try it. Very relaxing.)
In no particular order, here are a few things which raise the ire of my inner Fashion Hulk, and quite possibly make the baby Jesus cry:
Boots which are not boots. Here is what a boot IS: It’s a foot-covering that COMPLETELY COVERS YOUR FOOT, and continues up the leg in such a way that at a BARE MINIMUM it covers at least the ankle, but possibly even more of the calf. If it has a peep-toe, IT IS NOT A BOOT. Also, it is stupid. If it has any sort of flesh-baring straps or cutouts, IT IS NOT A BOOT. Also, it is stupid. Please make a note of it.
Stupid words for shoes that shouldn’t exist. Step away from the “shootie.” Back off from anything called a “bootie” unless you are under the age of one or it’s a slipper. Guys, if you have to call them “mandals” they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, ever.
Writing on the seat of pants. I do not care if you are JUICY or SWEET or pledging your ass-cheeks to your alma mater. Writing doesn’t belong on your butt, unless it says “PLEASE STARE HERE” in the interest of truth in advertising. Whatever it says, 80% of the world reads it as “TACKY.” (And the other 20% are just wondering if you’ll sleep with them.) Extra demerits for parents who put these clothes on children, particularly anything that can be construed as sexual.
Leggings which are not pants being worn as pants. Look, I know this has become a confusing area in fashion, what with “jeggings” (motto: Be sure to wear ’em with your shooties!) and other weird legging mutants having risen in popularity of late. But if you find yourself wearing what are essentially footless tights out in public with a shirt, YOU ARE NOT DRESSED. A good rule of thumb with any skin-tight bottom-half garment is
just don’t that whatever you’re wearing on top should hit lower than your crotch, at least.
That weird pseudo-French manicure thing where you end up with black tips instead of white ones, if you’re not an 18-year-old Goth. And no, all-black nails don’t bother me for some reason. (I don’t love ’em, but I don’t hate ’em, either. But purposely giving yourself black tips really looks like you’ve been gardening, not like you’re super hip.)
Visible underwear of any kind. Hint: it’s called UNDERwear. That means boys need to pull their pants up, girls need to invest in low-cut panties if they want to wear low-cut jeans, and that we all agree that visible bra straps are just trashy. That goes double for those clear plastic straps, because, GUESS WHAT! Not invisible! They make these cool little contraptions called strapless bras, girls. If you want to wear teeny tiny straps on your shirts, that’s fine. Get the right under(there’s that word again!)garment for the job, is all.
See-through garments which should not be. Maybe this should be two separate items. Because, first, is there a shortage of fabric in the world? Is there a reason that so many women’s blouses are so thin that they are in fact transparent? This is baffling to me. And second—come closer, this is important—I want to teach you something apparently a lot of people’s mamas never did: White is visible under white. If you’re wearing a white top, please wear a skin-colored bra. I’m begging you.
Pre-chewed garments. I know I’ve railed about this one before, but it’s still happening. I don’t care if worn/torn are “hip,” I certainly don’t want to pay good money for something that’s already been half-destroyed. And as a grown woman of nearly 40 I CERTAINLY don’t need my jeans to look like I just got back from an Iron Maiden concert, straight off the rack. Please, manufacturers. Stop ruining the clothes before we even get a chance to buy them.
Fashion Hulk less angry. Fashion Hulk feel better! Fashion Hulk still supports the right of even bad fashions to marry each other, if they like, however.
Fashion Hulk dodging lightning bolts now.