It’s not that the irony of being someone who mostly works at home in solitude (and prefers jeans when heading out into the world) doling out fashion advice is lost on me, it’s just that it all seems to have become quite SERIOUS up in here, the last couple of weeks. And I need a break.
Also, I’ve been shopping. And out in the world with people. And I have opinions. STRONG opinions, I guess you might say, about things that people are wearing and doing. No one died and left me boss, but my inner Fashion Hulk would like to vent a bit.
(My inner Fashion Hulk likes to put on my son’s Hulk Hands—which say theraputic phrases like “HULK ANGRY!” and “HULK SMASH!”—while working out a little bit of aggression via dangerous activities like punching the couch. You should totally try it. Very relaxing.)
In no particular order, here are a few things which raise the ire of my inner Fashion Hulk, and quite possibly make the baby Jesus cry:
Boots which are not boots. Here is what a boot IS: It’s a foot-covering that COMPLETELY COVERS YOUR FOOT, and continues up the leg in such a way that at a BARE MINIMUM it covers at least the ankle, but possibly even more of the calf. If it has a peep-toe, IT IS NOT A BOOT. Also, it is stupid. If it has any sort of flesh-baring straps or cutouts, IT IS NOT A BOOT. Also, it is stupid. Please make a note of it.
Stupid words for shoes that shouldn’t exist. Step away from the “shootie.” Back off from anything called a “bootie” unless you are under the age of one or it’s a slipper. Guys, if you have to call them “mandals” they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, ever.
Writing on the seat of pants. I do not care if you are JUICY or SWEET or pledging your ass-cheeks to your alma mater. Writing doesn’t belong on your butt, unless it says “PLEASE STARE HERE” in the interest of truth in advertising. Whatever it says, 80% of the world reads it as “TACKY.” (And the other 20% are just wondering if you’ll sleep with them.) Extra demerits for parents who put these clothes on children, particularly anything that can be construed as sexual.
Leggings which are not pants being worn as pants. Look, I know this has become a confusing area in fashion, what with “jeggings” (motto: Be sure to wear ’em with your shooties!) and other weird legging mutants having risen in popularity of late. But if you find yourself wearing what are essentially footless tights out in public with a shirt, YOU ARE NOT DRESSED. A good rule of thumb with any skin-tight bottom-half garment is just don’t that whatever you’re wearing on top should hit lower than your crotch, at least.
That weird pseudo-French manicure thing where you end up with black tips instead of white ones, if you’re not an 18-year-old Goth. And no, all-black nails don’t bother me for some reason. (I don’t love ’em, but I don’t hate ’em, either. But purposely giving yourself black tips really looks like you’ve been gardening, not like you’re super hip.)
Visible underwear of any kind. Hint: it’s called UNDERwear. That means boys need to pull their pants up, girls need to invest in low-cut panties if they want to wear low-cut jeans, and that we all agree that visible bra straps are just trashy. That goes double for those clear plastic straps, because, GUESS WHAT! Not invisible! They make these cool little contraptions called strapless bras, girls. If you want to wear teeny tiny straps on your shirts, that’s fine. Get the right under(there’s that word again!)garment for the job, is all.
See-through garments which should not be. Maybe this should be two separate items. Because, first, is there a shortage of fabric in the world? Is there a reason that so many women’s blouses are so thin that they are in fact transparent? This is baffling to me. And second—come closer, this is important—I want to teach you something apparently a lot of people’s mamas never did: White is visible under white. If you’re wearing a white top, please wear a skin-colored bra. I’m begging you.
Pre-chewed garments. I know I’ve railed about this one before, but it’s still happening. I don’t care if worn/torn are “hip,” I certainly don’t want to pay good money for something that’s already been half-destroyed. And as a grown woman of nearly 40 I CERTAINLY don’t need my jeans to look like I just got back from an Iron Maiden concert, straight off the rack. Please, manufacturers. Stop ruining the clothes before we even get a chance to buy them.
Fashion Hulk less angry. Fashion Hulk feel better! Fashion Hulk still supports the right of even bad fashions to marry each other, if they like, however.
Fashion Hulk dodging lightning bolts now.
OMG, I am SO with you on the stupid peep toe boots (and the “sandals” that are peep-too, but totally cover the rest of your feet). All I can think when I see people wearing those is that these women look like they have hooves instead of feet!
I too have these same thoughts. I still don’t understand why leggins are back–and skinny jeans drive me crazy–especially on guys. But what is even worse is when people who aren’t skinny wear them. If you aren’t a size 6 then you should be wearing skinny jeans or leggins. It’s just wrong.
Mir you crack me up! I was shopping and my husband was with me and we saw a pair of boots with the peep toe. I told him I thought it was bizarre. He said “oh they are ok, it would show off nail polished toes.” Still bizarre, don’t you wear boots because it is cold or rainy (like here in the NW)? Why would you want to expose your toes?
Thank you, Fashion Hulk, for expressing perfectly what the rest of us feel. I absolutely hate the pants with words on the bottom. (Although at first I mis-read, and thought it said “Please START here” instead of “stare”….ha! And yuck!)
Well done, Mir. You hit nearly every one of my fashion peeves and validated my current stance that at 53 the leggings and long sleeve t-shirt I sleep in is not outdoor (read: beyond porch) wear without something more on the bottom: shorts, jeans, skirt… Bra straps have to hide; what is the deal with these young people!~?
Can I add – anything, ANYTHING from the 80’s. I lived through it once people, I do not need to see it revived now.
At first I thought this post was going to be about a pre-teen girl getting ready in the morning…sorry, that may be just in our house.
On topic — I am not fashionable, my uniform of jeans and t-shirts is comfortable and in no way hip, but at 42, I’m okay with that. (But I have a secret wish to be fashionable…when the fashions are cute. Peep-toed boots — nope!, undergarment showing clothing — nope!, skinny jeans — not on this body! But layers and boots and a lot of what they’re showing right now — sure! Can I borrow some money?)
Peep toe boots are ridiculous. As is the (at least) 50 year old man who showed up to court last week at his arraignment for drug charges with hemp leaves bleached onto his jeans. There’s a reason I don’t practice criminal law.
Why is it that all fashion seems to be aimed at teens (whose brains are not yet fully formed) and early 20 something stick figures? As a 40 year old woman with a full figure, I’m tired of not finding age appropriate and still hip looking stuff. Thank you Fashion Hulk for helping to educate the masses.
I always wonder what parents are thinking when they put an outfit on their CHILD with a word like ‘juicy’ or ‘cute’ on the BUTT! Who wants attention drawn to their little girl’s rear end. That is just wrong on so many levels. I am soooo feelin’ ya on this post, Mir.
I, too, thank you from the bottom of my unfashionable yet opinionated heart, Hulk. Also, I’m pretty sure Uggs have had their day and should now go back to wherever they came from, especially if they’ve been worn for more than one season and are dingy with last-winter’s slushy residue.
Hooves! Thank you JennC, you hit the nail on the head.
Mir, you are so right about all of these. Can I add, fashion sweats (baby phat, I’m looking at you)? Esp. when purchased 2-3 sizes too small. Seriously, we all jiggle as we get older, some of us just have the good sense to not flaunt it.
Best advice EVER from hair stylist Marybeth circa 199something:
IF YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER the FIRST GO ‘ROUND, YOU’RE TOO OLD TO WEAR IT THE SECOND.
Serious food for thought.
Oh wow this made me laugh. I agree 100%!
Smash on, Hulk! Well said! I didn’t even know they were trying to market peep-toe boots *facepalm.*
I SO agree on this! Except, I have to disagree with Dawn. Fuller figured woman CAN wear skinny jeans, they just need to pair them with a billowy, or longer shirt.
Alarmingly, I really like my jeggings. But I agree with you, they must be worn with a loooong top. If not a dress.
Since you brought it up..my partner has recently seen several different young people on the metro wearing clothes with the tags still attached. And this summer I saw a young man wearing two pairs of socks, one over the other.. on the boardwalk of all places. Does anyone know– was this just random weirdness, or trends of which we were unaware?
And I am so with you on sexy clothes for toddler/preschool girls. Makes me ill. I also find it really hard to find skirts that fit my 4.5 year old’s waist that aren’t way too short and she’s not unusually thin or anything. The GAP is a particularly bad offender here.
Hulk Brilliant!
I also detest the skin-tight, stretchy, thin fabric tops that seem to be so popular now. It is better to wear something not quite so tight and be thought fat, than to spray paint your top on and remove all doubt.
Me think Fashion Hulk pretty. And well dressed!
Hulk Agrees, Hulk especially HATE booties, boots with cut out toes, and jeggings/leggings. Also, if Hulk lived through a fashion trend before (especially if Hulk was in middle or high school at the time) Hulk no wear it the second time. Amen.
Now, buy Hulk some dresses! ;)
Try finding age-appropriate clothes for an 8-yr-old girl who is big for her age. Especially dresses. Oh, how I miss size 6x. That’s the last time I didn’t have to sort through hoochie-mama clothes.
The Not-Boots! For the love of all that is holy, why would you pay for something that is missing half of its essential parts?? I can’t tell you how crazy those things make me.
And @StephLove – the double sock phenomenon is something I remember (but oh how I try to forget) from the late 80s. Tightrolled jeans and double socks, of alternating colors. Bonus points if they were fluorescent. Whyyyy are they dragging the 80s back?
I cannot stand peep toe boots. Such a stupid concept! Boots are for fall and winter, when it is cold and you want your toes to be covered up.
Also, the word jeggings makes my skin crawl.
You’re lucky to work at home. The things people actually think they should wear to the OFFICE?! It’s disheartening. HULK SMASH!
OK. OK. I’ll go through my closet and arrange to have my plaid bellbottom slacks shipped to a third world country where some poor starving kid can be really hip.
Fashion is fickle. Are you sure they are not cominng back?
I am so, so, so with you. I need a simple dress for a wedding in three weeks. I have visited every store remotely related to women’s wear at the mall, the outlet mall, the discount stores (Marshall’s, Steinmart, etc.) and checked out websites with no luck. I am a normal size but it is impossible to find something decent and not crazy expensive. I don’t want a sweater dress as I wore those in the 80s. I don’t want beads, sequins, fake jeweled necklines, big belts, big knots to create draping or anything with that polyesterish feel. I would like sleeves- I don’t like to go sleeveless because I don’t want to make others view my somewhat bat-wing arms nor do I want to have to spend more money on a wrap. The search continues so I don’t end up wearing a garbage bag to the wedding but that might become a reality.ÂÂ
I knew I was in trouble when I caught one of the employees of Macy’s making fun of this season’s clothes. *sigh*
I love this post. LOVE. LOVE!!!!
The “fashions” for little girls make me really glad I just have boys. Only problem (and not much of one) is when it is “tacky day” at school and the boy has nothing that clashes. If one only has solid color, dark pants, nothing will clash. This is almost always a good thing (except on tacky day). Oh well, if he had really cared, he could have thought about it more than 5 minutes before leaving for school.
I agree with alllllllll of that!
ps… Its funny that the ad below your post right now is for peep toe’d boots!
AMEN! Hope this gets published EVERYWHERE! (Although I will admit, I’ve only figured out the white under white thing in the last couple years. But I am evolving dammit – just slowly!) ;)
I agree with all of those, esp. the white bra thing.
BUT I did give in a buy a pair of gap jeans with a in-purpose quarter sized hole in the knee. I had to! They were FIVE dollars. Yes, I paid 5 for gap jeans.
Also they make my butt look juicy (no label required)
When my neighbor had a little boy baby I got him one of those animal-printed Carter’s onesies with a monkey face on the tush. Is that okay?? ;)
Incomplete boots: totally stupid. There are also the odd sandal/boot hybrids. Perhaps on some planets, winter and summer occur simultaneously.
Lol at all of this! The only one i tend to struggle with it the showing of the bra straps on occasion. I do not wear teeny tiny strap tops, but when you are well endowed, sometimes wearing a strapless can be worse then some bra straps showing (esp. if it begins working its way down your waist because you ta-tas are too heavy). But I agree – the bra straps showing with the teeny tiny spaghetti straps? not acceptable.
Can I add one more? It’s not quite cold enough for it yet (well, actually it is never cold enough for this in Southern Mississippi, but some natives here seem to believe that 50 degrees means its time to break out the gloves and scarves)…….uggs with a miniskirt and parka. Seriously? What’s the point?
While we’re at it…if you are, say, a college co-ed, walking down the street in a spaghetti-strap tanktop (with said bra straps showing) and a miniskirt, while your boyfriend is wearing weather-appropriate jeans and sweats, you do NOT look HOTTTT…you look like a frozen chicken. Get a jacket.
I agree with every single one of these (though I held my breath that I would somehow end up on the list – my jeans and sneakers uniform is safe.). If you ever have a holiday edition of this list, please make clear that sexy pirate costumes, french maid costumes, slutty lady cop costumes SHOULD NOT COME IN CHILDREN’S SIZES. Sorry, the mama hulk in me finds that extremely offensive. Rock on, Fashion Hulk Mir, but keep your jeans intact.
Love this post!
I believe that once you no longer have a toddler belly (around age 5) you must wear at least a tunic over leggings.
Laura, try myshape.com. Last time I looked (this summer) I saw lots of dresses that would be great for a wedding.
just the word ‘jeggings’ gives me the heebie jeebies, let along the thought of wearing denim/jeans leggings.
Gotta say that I kinda enjoy a tunic with leggings and a cute pair of flats…even in my dotage.
And somebody is going to have to pry my Uggs off of my cold, dead feet for they are a matter of comfort not fashion. Just sayin. ;)
And I thought I was the only one who looked at toe holes in boots and laughed out loud in the middle of the shoe store. Can’t think of one single day here in the Northeast that you could walk outside in them – either freeze your toes or cook your heels. My daughter was in school during the late 80’s early 90’s and we laugh at what she wore. Of course we laugh at what I wore too, but I still think patches on jeans beat slouch sox any day.
Could you, would you PLEASE I’M TOTALLY BEGGING come enforce our school dress code???? Our male administrators are too…ummm….sorry no polite terms are available at this time….they’re too “busy with important things” to address it. I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANYONE’S PRIVATES!!!!
I know – you could go on a tour being a dress code “expert” and teach administrators to actually ENFORCE (i know shocking) the dress codes in the handbooks!!!!
Look out Anna Wintour! Seriously though, you are right.
THANK YOU!! Now, can we put this post in BIG, NEON LIGHTS and FLASH it everywhere!!! The part about the white clothes under white clothes reminded me of ONE MORE—it’s strictly for men though—IF YOU WEAR A DRESS SHIRT–WEAR A T-SHIRT UNDERNEATH PLEASE!!!!!!
PREACH IT, SISTAH!
Hey! I wear leggings, mawhaw, but your are right, I wear them under a dress as tights. I wouldnt be seen dead in leggings and a shirt / Tshirt, how terrifying for the passers-by that would be.
I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought it was tacky to be able to see bra straps since it’s so omnipresent these days. I’m glad I’m not alone!!!! And as for pre-chewed garments, a friend of mine (who’s 40) was wearing a polo style shirt and the collar was all worn. I asked her if she had just come in from gardening or something since she was wearing her old shirt. She told me it was new and it had come that way!!! I couldn’t believe it. I joked that I guess I just wasn’t hip enough anymore. lol
peep toe boots? Ok, I missed that one…gotta go google that (wish me luck! LOL) and I work on a college campus too, still haven’t seen them.
What are jeggings? Why on earth would anyone ŵant to wear something so ugly? And what is it with people forgetting to wear anything on their bottom halves? I find shouting ‘oh look no trousers’ at them is quite amusing !
The only acceptable usage of words like “shooties,” “jeggings,” “jorts” and “mandals” is if you’re making fun of something. (I want to say “making fun of someone,” but that seems meanspirited. Bless their hearts.) Or if you’re the Fug Girls.
A friend and I have a fall fashion mantra that we like to spread around: “Tights Are Not Pants!” There’s nothing wrong with a tunic — as long as it covers your behind when you sit down, it should be long enough to wear with tights or leggings as a dress. (Come to think of it, that rule applies to skirts and dresses as well as tunics.)
I am one of those people that think that anyone can wear anything they want – no matter their size or how “flattering” it is or how fashionable.
Doesn’t mean I agree with most of these, though. :-)
AMEN! I work at a school (where we regularly enforce the handbook dress code, which includes “no extra holes in clothing”), and I am a bit worried about what girls think of as business attire (when they have to go to rotary meetings, etc.) When did business attire become “look at my privates” attire?
Hey, some of us have big ol’ pregnant boobies and can’t help the bra strap thing! Going strapless just doesn’t work past a certain cup size. But I totally agree on the clear straps.
Peep-toe boots *shudder*
It is just sososososo wrong. Who came up with this idea?
I cannot believe how many women never learned the white bra rule. I see that all the time. HULK ANGRY! HULK ANGRY!
I think I agree with everything you listed up there. BUT! There are exceptions to every rule (okay, almost every rule, those peep-toe boots are irredeemable).
Sheer tops can be worn, provided they are worn OVER a tank top of the same color.
Strappless bras? Do not work for me.
Leggings? Ummmm, yeah, I’m with you on this one especially.
What the hell are white bras FOR anyway?? You can’t really wear them under anything but sweatshirts!!
I saw something today that I hated. A young woman was wearing knee high, dressy, suede or similar boots with 4″ heels, and she was wearing them with casual shorts. And it was 80 degrees today in NC. IMHO, boots are cold weather wear, to keep your feet warm. One does not wear them with shorts. Especially dressy boots with casual shorts. Unless you are trying to look like a stripper.
I would add:
1) No heels with shorts, EVER.
2) No yoga pants or tights or leggings with thong underwear. (Seriously, if you have walked behind someone wearing this combo, you’ll know. No, I do not need to see how far that fabric will creep thankyouverymuch.)
Are you reading my thoughts again?? I have thought and said all these same things! I continually am amazed at what people think is OK in public, especially in work settings.
I have to share a story on the visible underwear. I teach a Bible study class of two year olds, and each week we have a different adult volunteer in the classroom. A few weeks ago i glanced over at my volunteer who was kneeling on the ground to talk to a child and had a FULL view of her silver g-string! I wished I had one of those red blinky lights that makes you forget everything you’ve just seen…
Add to this list sweaters that have short sleeves. If I’m wearing a sweater, it’s cold, and I want my arms to be warm, too!
okay – totally don’t understand the horror of a white bra under a white top. I mean, I get, you don’t want red under white. Or purple or black.
But honestly … a demur white bra under a white top … and you are going to freak out about what? Because let me tell you. I am SO PALE that NUDE looks dark against my skin and is FAR MORE obvious than white.
I agree with everything else you’ve written – but if you can’t deal with seeing the shape/shadow of a bra that matches the color of the top I’m wearing? I think you’re the one with issues.
“Jeggings” makes me want to claw my eyes out for ever having read it. WHY?!?!?
@MomCat: this is why vests never made sense to me. Especially those poofy down jacket vests (famously worn by MJ Fox on “Back to the Future.”)
Also, I’ve noticed that tons of people are making fun of “jorts” lately. I don’t get it. Aren’t they just shorts made out of denim? Why is that worth mocking? I don’t see other shorts being mocked as sh-rousers. I guess I just don’t get it. I guess it’s lucky that my only pair of denim shorts are called cut-offs. They’re worn on the days I paint. or clean with bleach.
LOL So true – though I must admit I have not heard of peep-toed boots (WTF?) or jeggings before – haven’t really shopped much since baby number two who’s almost two!
Have to add – winter boots (short winter boots!) with a skirt in any season but winter!!!
Mir,
Thank you for posting this. Now when I tell DD#4 that she shouldn’t leave the house in what she thinks is fashionably sexy, ( and I view it as slutty) I can tell her the Hulk said so….
I can be pretty bad with the bra strap thing, partly because it’s hard for me to find/afford a well-fitting bra, and I’ll just make sure I coordinate if I’m wearing spaghetti straps!
I have to disagree on the leggings (although I always wear them under an actual skirt or dress) – they are the only thing that lets me ride my bike with a skirt! Otherwise I’d be stuck with pants all the time, and very few companies make pants long enough for me.
On the dress-for-a-wedding concept: http://www.shabbyapple.com/ Amazing dresses of all kinds.
Oh Mir, my head almost fell off with all the agreeable shaking. Please add: The Casual Rise. That zipper that is only 2 1/2″ long? Why, that doesn’t even begin to cover my Woohoo and where exactly do I put all that love riding in the backside of me? And I’m just a size 6, so surely this is a bad idea from the very beginning.
Ooooh boy I agree with you! Also – people wearing clothes that are specifically unsuitable for their body type. A curvy woman in a bright pink skin tight shirt is bad. Always bad.
I thought I’d have to mentally disagree with at least one choice, as I am so totally a fashion slob, but no, I agree with every one.
And around here, I have to add: what is the deal with going out in public with your fuzzy pajama pants on, huh?
Hulk happy now. Hulk hug Mir.
And on this, we can 100 0/0 agree! Now try finding maternity clothes at 43 that fit that criteria without paying out the but at ann Taylor or the like!
I wholeheartedly support Fashion Hulk, and can I add? When did flip flops become year-round wear? It’s like the casual revolution that decided that there was no such thing as clothes too informal to wear outside as long as your naughty bits were (barely) covered – I’m talking about pajamas, and dresses that are basically slips with no dress over them – also decided that there was no such thing as a time of year where certain clothes made sense, so people can mix and match their pajamas and slips and flip flops and Uggs and call themselves dressed, no matter what time of day or night or what season it is. This sort of thing is cute and sort of acceptable if you’re an eighteen-year-old college student but on the rest of the adult female world looks like you’re too addled to tell your clothes apart and just put on whatever came to hand first on your closet floor. I dress very casually and have no sense of fashion, but at least I don’t look like I forgot half of my outfit and don’t know what time of year it is!
I hate the skinny jeans around the butt on boys. I pass a high school on my way to work and every day I see underwear hanging out of the top of skinny jeans! Apparently they can’t get their pants up high enough to cover their butts.
To an extent, I think the Fashion Hulk is right. Seriously boots do not need to be called booties since it is we call little baby shoes. And yes girls should wear skin colored bras when wearing a white shirt. I think as long as the fashion is worn right with its intended meaning should be good but the slutty attires that come with leggings make sure the shirt covers your butt anything shorter will just look weird and has a slutty connotation that comes with it.
Amen!
I totally know why the kids wear the tags on their clothes! It’s to show others how much they paid for the item. In some cases, it’s to show how much the item they stole is worth. They also leave all the stickers on the baseball hats to show that they are authentic and expensive.
JennC – my favourite is camel toe from the leggings/jeggings, with the hoove-y peep-toes. A three-hooved animal!
Those toeless boots are so friggin ridiculous. and YES… as another commenter said.. they look like hooves!!… Leggings.. GROSS! Although I do wear them if I have a shirt dress-like outfit… comes down to my knees.
Dare I tell you I have two pair of ripped at the knee jeans? I do. I’m sorry.
This post made me laugh out loud! Everything you said is so true. Whenever I go out in to public and see the ridiculous things that people call fashion I am truely amazed, shocked and appalled. Unfortunately it also becomes a problem when I go shopping because I can’t find anything that isn’t made to be see through or made out of barely there fabric.
The problem is that it seems to get worse and worse. I don’t think there has been a time where I have gone shopping and actually see a trend or fashion that has gotten better over time. Its leading me to think about making my own clothes rather than spending money on ridiculous fashion that I don’t even like!
Third grader at my son’s school had on shorts that said “sexy” no third grader should ever be considered sexy!
I’m just going to ditto everything you said. What is it with those butt fugly shoes? what?
So I went to The Apple Farm (real name) yesterday. And had the misfortune to find myself standing behind a woman with the most unusual of hair styles. It appeared she was attempting to grow out a mullet (GOOD!), but was doing so by hairspraying the not-quite-long-enough hair into a helmet-like shape on her head. So she had these weird, cemented into place, former comb lines on the top 3/4 of her head. And then normal long hair from the mid-ear line down. DISTURBING. Are there no mirrors in her house? Does she not SEE that this is NOT GOOD?
I wholeheartedly agree with the writing on the ass of clothing. And with those plastic strap things. And string bikinis for the pre-pubescent set. I received a batch of hand-me-downs from a girlfriend and there were no fewer than THREE string bikinis in there. Her daughter is SEVEN. Mine is FIVE. A string bikini on my 5-year-old? NOT HAPPENING.
Apparently I also have an Angry Fashion Hulk lurking inside me.
Yeah, what you said.
I have the distinct misfortune to be on a committee with a woman closing in on 40 who thinks that wearing a pair of painted on torn/slashed/ripped jeans is perfectly acceptable. With her sheer blouse that shows off her bra.
Did I mention that the committee pertains directly to our schools?
Please help me.