Do you experience stress? Are you bored? Do you need a break from the everyday? Are your children whining that summer is boring? You should ask the Internet about VACATION to see if it might be right for you. VACATION has been used to treat Regular Life for years, and is the number one Internet-approved method for slacking off.
VACATION is the simplest, most effective way to develop an appreciation of your own bed, kitchen, “alone time,” and access to over 200 channels even when nothing is on. VACATION can help you reconnect with your appreciation of silence, and rekindle your love of the mundane. VACATION has been approved to treat wanderlust, boredom, what-are-we-doing-today-itis, the belief that board games are fun, and some forms of warts. Do not begin taking VACATION until you’ve consulted the Internet to determine which VACATION is right for you; for maximum safety, continue your connection to the Internet while taking VACATION so that in the event of non-perfection, you can bitch about it. VACATION is usually effective within 24 hours, with some experiencing relief within just minutes. Do not continue taking VACATION for more than two weeks, as serious side effects (such as unemployment) occur.
Most people taking VACATION can do so without any ill effects. However, common side effects of VACATION are generally mild, and include: Carsickness, whining, running out of milk, thundershowers, bickering, and an unidentified smell which may become stronger if your children continue to refuse to shower. Many people find that after discontinuing VACATION they are subject to mounds of laundry, a feeling of letdown, piles of junk mail that need sorting, missing socks, and an empty refrigerator. These aftereffects are normal and typically resolve within a week, so don’t be alarmed.
Other, more serious, and less common side effects are possible. VACATION is not approved to treat ungratefulness in children, no matter how much ice cream is concurrently applied. General rottenness may, in fact, be heightened during the duration of VACATION. If you have more than one child, it is unlikely (but possible) that VACATION will cause bawling in at least one of them at almost all times. If this occurs, drink more beer.
If you elect to cut VACATION short for a Very Important Doctor’s Appointment For The Kid, do not be alarmed if you arrive home to an answering machine message stating that said appointment has been canceled. This is due to Murphy’s Law and is not the fault of VACATION. In addition, it is possible that during VACATION a mutant cucumber as big as your upper arm will cunningly evade detection in your garden until your return, at which point said cucumber is now inedible but sure is impressive-looking.
Discontinue use of VACATION if you experience swelling, burning, murderous urges, or if you run out of chocolate. Immediately seek the Internet if you experience familial bliss that lasts for more than four hours, as this can be a sign of the Apocalypse and should immediately be documented and shared for posterity. VACATION isn’t right for everyone, so if you have agoraphobia, massive debt, or Ebola, VACATION may not be right for you.
Ask the Internet about VACATION. You’ll probably be sorry you did.