Find out if VACATION™ is right for you

Do you experience stress? Are you bored? Do you need a break from the everyday? Are your children whining that summer is boring? You should ask the Internet about VACATION™ to see if it might be right for you. VACATION™ has been used to treat Regular Life for years, and is the number one Internet-approved method for slacking off.

VACATION™ is the simplest, most effective way to develop an appreciation of your own bed, kitchen, “alone time,” and access to over 200 channels even when nothing is on. VACATION™ can help you reconnect with your appreciation of silence, and rekindle your love of the mundane. VACATION™ has been approved to treat wanderlust, boredom, what-are-we-doing-today-itis, the belief that board games are fun, and some forms of warts. Do not begin taking VACATION™ until you’ve consulted the Internet to determine which VACATION™ is right for you; for maximum safety, continue your connection to the Internet while taking VACATION™ so that in the event of non-perfection, you can bitch about it. VACATION™ is usually effective within 24 hours, with some experiencing relief within just minutes. Do not continue taking VACATION™ for more than two weeks, as serious side effects (such as unemployment) occur.

Most people taking VACATION™ can do so without any ill effects. However, common side effects of VACATION™ are generally mild, and include: Carsickness, whining, running out of milk, thundershowers, bickering, and an unidentified smell which may become stronger if your children continue to refuse to shower. Many people find that after discontinuing VACATION™ they are subject to mounds of laundry, a feeling of letdown, piles of junk mail that need sorting, missing socks, and an empty refrigerator. These aftereffects are normal and typically resolve within a week, so don’t be alarmed.

Other, more serious, and less common side effects are possible. VACATION™ is not approved to treat ungratefulness in children, no matter how much ice cream is concurrently applied. General rottenness may, in fact, be heightened during the duration of VACATION™. If you have more than one child, it is unlikely (but possible) that VACATION™ will cause bawling in at least one of them at almost all times. If this occurs, drink more beer.

If you elect to cut VACATION™ short for a Very Important Doctor’s Appointment For The Kid, do not be alarmed if you arrive home to an answering machine message stating that said appointment has been canceled. This is due to Murphy’s Law and is not the fault of VACATION™. In addition, it is possible that during VACATION™ a mutant cucumber as big as your upper arm will cunningly evade detection in your garden until your return, at which point said cucumber is now inedible but sure is impressive-looking.

Discontinue use of VACATION™ if you experience swelling, burning, murderous urges, or if you run out of chocolate. Immediately seek the Internet if you experience familial bliss that lasts for more than four hours, as this can be a sign of the Apocalypse and should immediately be documented and shared for posterity. VACATION™ isn’t right for everyone, so if you have agoraphobia, massive debt, or Ebola, VACATION™ may not be right for you.

Ask the Internet about VACATION™. You’ll probably be sorry you did.

21 Responses to “Find out if VACATION™ is right for you”

  1. 1
    jlo July 24, 2010 at 12:13 pm #

    hysterical as usual, I so enjoy your blog

  2. 2
    Half Assed Kitchen July 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

    Funny! My favorite VACATIONS are when the kids are in camp and I’m home. : )

  3. 3
    Crista July 24, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

    Great way to sum up your week! You are so clever!

  4. 4
    Karen July 24, 2010 at 2:44 pm #

    Hmmm…. I’ve been taking VACATION for years, and I have to say I have not experienced as many of the side effects as you have, however I find it very effective to only take half the recommended dose.

  5. 5
    Martha July 24, 2010 at 3:53 pm #

    OMG! What a hoot! Good thing I wasn’t drinking anything :-) I will keep all of this in mind when we travel south in about a month for a VACATION with two rodents with big ears and assorted friends! They may end up with an extra “princess” if she is not grateful!

  6. 6
    dad July 24, 2010 at 4:42 pm #

    Don’t forget that VACATION is educational as well as excellent training. You will learn skills that are very useful in later life, such as the ability to put off until tomorrow anything that could be accomplished today or to drink guilt free margaritas in the morning.

    Progeny grow up very fast. Then, what are you going to do for aggravation?

  7. 7
    Megan July 24, 2010 at 5:59 pm #

    Ah. No wonder I never take ’em! I get all the frustration AND the stress with WORK ™.

  8. 8
    Heather July 24, 2010 at 7:51 pm #

    Rationally, I’m sure, I’m practically on VACATION™ half the time, since classes don’t take all that much time/effort/energy, and yet…I could really use a change of scenery some days! Of course, I don’t have kids, so my VACATION™ experience may differ ;)

  9. 9
    RuthWells July 24, 2010 at 8:23 pm #

    And as a corollary, scheduling an adults-only VACATION™ (say, for one’s 20th wedding anniversary) is a sure-fire way to ensure that one of the adults (me) becomes terribly ill precisely one day prior to driving to the over-priced-yet-cunning (and pre-paid) bed & breakfast. VACATION™ was spent entirely in bed (and not in the good way).

  10. 10
    Alison July 24, 2010 at 8:31 pm #

    Delurking to say this is one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written. (And that’s saying something, since I really enjoy your writing.)

    Also, you’ve made me feel less bitter about not going on VACATION™ this year.

  11. 11
    Lori N July 24, 2010 at 8:54 pm #

    Funny, WEEKENDS™ seem to have the same effects around here.

  12. 12
    Chuck July 24, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    Drink more beer! Excellent advice! Who needs vacation?

  13. 13
    Annette July 25, 2010 at 3:40 am #

    Love this:) Hoping we are light on the side effects as we leave in one week, our drive is twice as long and I have 3 times the kids!

  14. 14
    Sherri July 25, 2010 at 10:53 am #

    So this why I am actually dreading our upcoming vacation.

  15. 15
    Kim July 25, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    You made me snort-laugh! (Very high praise!)

    I love your posts. And I wanna see a pic of the mutant cuke. :P

  16. 16
    Nelson's Mama July 25, 2010 at 3:08 pm #

    We took a dose of VACATION just this week – we suffered a few of those side effects! We even thought poor Nelson needed a dose, he’s thinking he’ll never be the same dog…

  17. 17
    Josefina Argüello July 25, 2010 at 11:02 pm #

    Love this post!!

  18. 18
    Little Bird July 25, 2010 at 11:09 pm #

    I am currently attempting to convince my mother that a STAYCATION in in order for her. A few days of nothing but hanging about the house, a few picnics (with the teeny-tiny grill) and she should be nice and relaxed. I’ve promised to do the majority of the shlepping and the cooking, so all she has to do is sit back and enjoy it. Apparently this is what happens when your children are old enough to buy their own booze. And yours.

  19. 19
    Tracy July 26, 2010 at 2:15 pm #

    This is just what I needed…and I need a VACATION (little tm) as much as anyone right now. LOL

  20. 20
    Katie in MA July 26, 2010 at 2:46 pm #

    Don’t worry – the school year’s about to start and that will cure you of any side effects from VACATION. :)

  21. 21
    Amy July 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

    I am suffering symptoms of VACATION withdrawal right now.

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